tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42214113101032225142024-03-04T20:52:05.733-08:00I Survived My Husband's Sex Addiction!And thrived! Sex addiction and porn addiction almost tore my family apart. My best friend and husband fell down hard and I picked him up! I saved my marriage, my family, and you can too. This blog was my journey to build intimacy and love and how I now help others do the same. Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-51623812867216195222016-04-05T23:06:00.000-07:002016-04-05T23:06:54.224-07:00Break Free From Negative Thoughts<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I</span> want to take a quick moment and talk about thoughts. Our thoughts ... the thoughts that we can't seem to get out of our head, the thoughts that keep us up at night, the thoughts that seem to control us.<br />
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It's truly amazing how much of an impact those thoughts can have on our life and on our happiness. They also have a huge impact on our ability to heal.<br />
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You are here because you are trying to deal with the fact that your partner is struggling with a sex addiction &/or porn addiction. Most women that I talk to ask me the same question ...<br />
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<b>"How do I manage the thoughts? The thoughts are CONSUMING! I can't sleep at night!" </b></div>
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Our thoughts are generally tainted by our emotional reactions to what is going on around us ... so our fears, insecurities, traumas and experiences all have an affect on those thoughts. And your body and mind will believe what ever thoughts you put in your head. It's true.<br />
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And our thoughts are not always reality. Remember, they are influenced by our emotions. They may reflect a part of your reality BUT there is always more than 1 way to look at a situation.<br />
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Let me give you an example, I often hear "My husband has destroyed me, I will never heal from this!" That is a very emotional thought and you may very well connect with that comment ... (and my heart always feels so much empathy for any woman going through this) ... but the truth is no one can destroy you.<br />
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You might go through pain and heartache but you always have the power to HEAL for you! You don't ever have to let someone's horrible choices define you. YOU define you!<br />
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Here is another example ... "I am stuck in this marriage because I just can't get out". Again, it may feel that way now but there is always a way out.<br />
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People get divorced all the time, you just have to create a plan. There are always solutions, it's just up to you to find those solutions.<br />
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And here is 1 more example ... "What kind of weak person would I be if I stayed in this marriage and try to work on this!" That isn't true ... some of us stay and some of us leave. Healing and recovery can happen for some and not for others.<br />
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There is nothing weak in trying to keep your family together , just as much as there is nothing weak in saying I have had enough and I want out. There is no one solution to healing from this sex & porn addiction. And it is OK to take time before making any huge decision.<br />
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So, you can see how there is more than 1 perspective to many of our thoughts. Especially our negative thoughts. A technique I use with the women who work with me is to CHALLENGE your negative, emotional thoughts.<br />
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Ask yourself if there is another perspective that can sit right next to that one. I'm not saying to tell yourself that you are wrong ... just ask yourself: "How else can I perceive this?" ... I guarantee there is another perspective.<br />
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So, a technique to managing those thoughts is challenging the reality of your negative thoughts:<br />
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<span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you have a negative thought that says you</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">can't do something:</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think of why you CAN do that thing.</span></div>
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<span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you think of what might go wrong, challenge those negative</span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">thoughts:</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think about what CAN go right.</span></div>
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<span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you feel the you have been destroyed:</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think of how you might grow through this for YOU.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Plant new seeds for positive thinking and positive living and you'll begin creating more happiness in your life. </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Negative thoughts will be there … for all of us …. even positive people. If we try to pull them like a weed it will grow back … we need to learn to crowd out the negative thoughts with positive & reality ones. </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is important though to accept the negative thought, give it a bit of compassion for even being there, and then bombard it with MANY posititve ones. Don’t give the negative thought room to breathe or room to grow. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We are always going to have them to some degree .. it is natural … but we don’t have to allow them space to live, room to grow … we are saying ok, negative thought you are a part of my mind but YOU ARE NOT me! </span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The more you tell yourself positive, awesome thoughts the more you will believe them!</span></div>
Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-33029316389547924032016-02-01T15:45:00.001-08:002016-02-01T15:46:06.310-08:00Yoga Can Help You Heal From Your Partner's Sex &/Or Porn Addiction<span style="font-size: large;">Hello again to all of you fabulous women looking for support and growth on this journey of ours! I'm so honored that you are choosing to read my blog and hopefully learn something about <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/partner-support-sex-addiction-porn-addiction/">healing from your partner's porn addiction &/or sex addiction</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My goal is to help you know that you are not alone, to provide you with some support through this crisis and to be a glimmer of hope (even if that glimmer is small) that you will absolutely be OK .... AND you WILL always shine, no matter what has happened. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It is so important for you to know that <b>NO ONE</b> can take your power away. It may feel like your partner has ripped your power straight from your soul .... but the truth is that you have control over taking it back. You just need to take it day by day and begin taking care of you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Part of the process of empowering yourself, is to make sure you are taking care of you. You can't begin to heal from this crap unless you are nurturing your body, mind and soul. That takes a conscious effort on a daily basis because the truth is that when we are stressed, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, anxious, etc. - the first thing to go is our basic human needs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And even if we do provide ourselves with some of those basic needs ... we do the bare minimum. We barely eat, we sure don't make an effort to exercise, we surely can't sleep ... I'm sure you are connecting with what I'm saying! We do our best to get through the day but our mind is running so wild that it makes it hard to function.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, it's so important to be proactive and do things for you that are going to help YOU. When I am working as a coach with my women, the most common thing they say is that they can't stop the thoughts. The thoughts come, the thoughts take over and the thoughts rule us throughout the day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">When we are consumed by our thoughts we have such a hard time getting out of our heads. And that increases any of those intense emotions that we are feeling ... anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity, etc .... And really, you can't heal until you are able to process your reality from a calmer place. So, that's one of the first places to start. Calming your mind!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Mindfulness is a wonderful way to calm your mind. "Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. It is living in the moment and awakening to your experiences in that moment." Through mindfulness you can learn to calm your mind and not get buried by your fears that are probably overwhelming you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Calming the mind takes work, it takes practice and it is soooo hard for many people. YOGA is a wonderful way to begin practicing that. The beauty of yoga is that it provides you with a structure to achieve that state of mindfulness, of connection with yourself, of peace and it gives you a bit of a workout as well. All things that are crucial for the place you are in right now!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Especially when you are dealing with a trauma, YOGA can be crucial. I have begun taking yoga classes twice a week and I am amazed at how wonderful it is for me. Aside from the physical workout I get from it, it helps me is so many mental ways. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I have learned about how wonderful yoga can be from </span><span style="font-size: large;">my hubby, </span><a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/about-me/"><span style="font-size: large;">Craig Perra</span></a>. <span style="font-size: large;"> Most of you know he is an amazing <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/">life coach</a>. His passion is helping men heal and grow from their <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/">sex & porn addiction</a>. Through working with his men and his own personal healing journey he has fully embraced the gift that yoga can bring to each person. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">His latest path has been becoming a certified yoga instructor as well. For him, yoga is amazing for his physical body but just as importantly it is <b>KEY </b>for your mental health. And he has taught it to me. And it has been a gift!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It helps me calm my mind, connect with the parts of my body that are carrying my stress and it gives me a path to create mindfulness in my everyday life. When I go to yoga class, I am able to disconnect from the day and focus on ME. The truth is that I am just happier and I feel better when I do it! And it is up to me to continue to create that constant positivity in my life!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">YOU are going through a major stress and yoga is one thing that can HELP you tremendously. Stress can wreak MAJOR havoc on your body. It reveals itself in so many ways ... including physical pain, sleep issues, anxiety, headaches, an inability to cope with everyday issues, depression, etc. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Yoga helps with ALL of these things and can have a profound impact on your mental health. Yoga brings a sense of calm to your brain through mindfulness ... yoga is a perfect way to practice that. Nurturing your mental health right now is one of the most important things you can do for yourself!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ok, if I haven't convinced you yet to try yoga, I am going to list some ways that it can help you heal ... right here and right now.</span><br />
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Helps You Manage Stress</span></b></li>
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Helps To Alleviate Anxiety & Reduce Depression</span></b></li>
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Helps You Sleep Better</span></b></li>
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Can Relieve Migraines</span></b></li>
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Makes You Happier</span></b></li>
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Brings a Sense Of Calm </span></b></li>
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<li><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yoga Lowers Blood Pressure</span></b></li>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Yoga has so many benefits, physical and mental and it is seriously a gift that you can give to yourself. And right now, you need to be giving yourself a gift. I say, give yourself the gift of YOGA. I did and it is wonderful !!!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Take a local yoga class, find some yoga videos, download a yoga app ... there are so many ways that you can start. Don't make excuses that you are too tired, or you can't get out of bed or you are too stressed. Here is something you can proactively do to help YOU heal for YOU. Healing is about taking action for yourself. I know you can do it!!! You will be thanking yourself!!!!</span><br />
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Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-70213684131491084552015-12-04T12:50:00.000-08:002016-02-01T15:48:37.254-08:00Today, I'm Thankful For ....<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Happy THANKSGIVING!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Hello my amazing ladies out there! I wanted to take a minute and reflect on Thanksgiving last week. I love the holidays, I really do! This can be an absolutely wonderful time of year .... the cooking, the travel, the friends, the extra efforts to connect, the connection with family .... I LOVE this part of the holidays. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">AND, for some (and may be true if you are here, reading this blog looking for support because your partner may have a sex or porn addiction) it can be an extremely stressful and emotional time of year. Holidays bring out the best and worst in many ways.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The holidays can remind us of what we feel we have lost. They remind us that life shouldn't be this hard. The holidays bring up expectations of what our partners should be doing or how they should be acting. All of these feelings then roll together and bring up disappointment. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Then because the holidays are supposed to be happy, easy and full of love, we get caught up in resentment. And then the resentment turns into anger, we are short tempered, agitated and overwhelmed ..... and now our Thanksgiving sucks!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Wow, I didn't paint a very Thanksgivingy picture, did I? I'm sorry about that, I am ... and if you are struggling right now to keep it together, please know that I understand! I understand all too well .... I understand that this is an all too common pattern that happens during the holidays. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It happens and then when you least expect it, it comes on suddenly ... slapping you in the face and knocking the wind out of you. I know how shitty that feels!!!! I personally went through it with Craig too many times and every woman that I coach feels it too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I ALSO know that the reality is that we DO have some control over how our holidays go. It's all about perspective and choice! I know, it's easier said than done. I get that ... but I also know that this is what I do and how I got through the mess that was my life for a while. I could choose to let it consume me or I could choose to allow another perspective to sit on the same level as my negative emotions.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Thanksgiving is a good time to think about that perspective. There is much to be thankful for in your life beyond your partner's addiction. Your kids, your friends, your fulfilling hobbies, your parents, the awesome new pair of boots you just bought yourself, the glittery, fabulous new eyeshadow your friend just gave to you, the fact that you have been able to stay home with your kids, the weather (I love that one because i now live in CA and I just love the warmer weather here) .... I can keep going but you get the idea. Think about it for a moment .... what else in your life are you THANKFUL for?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Once you can identify what else is good in your life (and if you can't think of anything than think again and challenge yourself .... there is plenty good that is happening right now, you just need to CHOOSE to see it) then take in that GOOD in your life ... then ALLOW it to sit side by side with the negative. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We cannot allow the negative to completely invade our soul. So, we work WITH IT .... don't always try to fight it. You don't have to see life as all or nothing. You don't have to be HAPPY OR SAD. You can be both, which is probably your reality. Trying to fight the negative too much creates more emotions and negativity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">But, challenging the negativity and leaving room for the good too can have a powerful effect on your soul. The more you allow the positive to sit along side the negative the more influence the positive will have on your thoughts. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And the more you will start creating a habit of choosing your perspective. There is always different ways that we can choose to see our life, don't get consumed in all the negative!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, ask yourself ... What are YOU THANKFUL for? When overwhelmed, remind yourself of the good in your life. It can make a big difference. The holidays are full of so many things. And the reality is that the only thing that you have control over is YOU. So, start now by reminding yourself what you are thankful for each and every day of your life!!!!!! You will get through this .... I PROMISE!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And Craig, my hubby, made a video on The Mindful Habit you tube channel or the guys .... about Thanksgiving. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21q7VxMRck0">Happy Thanksgiving: Are you grateful for your addiction yet?</a>. He talks about being grateful for the addiction because of the CHANGE that is forces us to make. When we choose to make change in our lives, so much amazingness is possible!!!!! And we can ALL be grateful for that!!!</span><br />
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<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-62905862357908825872015-09-10T12:40:00.000-07:002015-09-10T12:40:18.172-07:00We Were On Lifetime's Reality Show "Living With The Enemy"<span style="font-size: large;">Hello to my fabulous ladies out there! I know it's been a crazy long time since I posted here ... but I wanted to say a quick hello and keep you updated about our newest adventure. Craig and I were on a reality show on Lifetime. Well, it was much more Craig but I do appear in 2 small scenes. It was intense, emotional and an experience we will never forget.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The show itself is called "<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011A3816K?ref=dv_web_yvl_hov_pr_3">Living With The Enemy</a>" and it appeared on Lifetime. Our actual episode was called "<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011A3816K?ref=dv_web_yvl_hov_pr_3">Naked or Afraid</a>". The premise of the show is having 2 people with very different viewpoints on a particular topic live and experience each other's world. Living with the other person, and experiencing their life from their perspective, allows the participants to see things from another angle and hopefully bring up some really interesting discussions. So, it's kind of like "Wife Swap" except it's more like a Life Swap.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, our episode was regarding pornography and the big huge discussion around that. Craig was paired with a very well known porn actress, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011A3816K?ref=dv_web_yvl_hov_pr_3">Maddy O'Reilly</a>. Craig obviously was on the side of being anti-porn and trying to get her to see the effect that pornography can have on our society, ourselves and our children. Her position pro porn and that not all porn is evil or bad and she wanted the viewers to see that not everyone is screwed up who is in the porn industry. She was on the porn is empowering side.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, why did we agree to go on a reality TV show and let our lives be seen by all of AMERICA??!!! Some of you may be thinking about how CRAZY we are! It really was a hard decision to go through with it. First of all, we all know what happens on reality TV. You don't have control and this is a VERY sensitive topic. But, the reality is this is something that NEEDS to be talked about. We need to start bringing the issue of pornography and porn addiction out in the open. Stop hiding behind our fears of being judged and start talking about the effect that this is having on so many men, women and families. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And hopefully by speaking out, being vulnerable, and allowing others to see that they are not alone ... we can help many more families that are struggling and need support. And there are many people that don't appreciate the impact that pornography can have on us as a society and what it is providing for our kids. We really wanted to raise awareness and start having a discussion on pornography and it's impact.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It was an amazing experience for us. It brought up a ton of emotions for both of us, especially Craig, and it was intense to say the least. I just really wanted to share it with you guys!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, the episode aired a few weeks ago. Here is a link to the show .... you can only get it on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011A3816K?ref=dv_web_yvl_hov_pr_3">AMAZON</a> right now. It's under Lifetime's "<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011A3816K?ref=dv_web_yvl_hov_pr_3">Living With The Enemy</a>" and then go to the "<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B011A3816K?ref=dv_web_yvl_hov_pr_3">Naked or Afraid</a>" episode. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Please, watch it .... let me know what you think? What are your thoughts? I want to hear the good and the bad and the ugly .... I would love honest feedback ... and let's have a discussion on it. That's why we did it!!!!!</span><br />
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<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-45926432010963941442015-04-24T14:18:00.000-07:002015-04-24T15:13:01.718-07:00HOW To Survive Your Partner's Sex or Porn Addiction<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">WOW ... I just need to take a moment and send out a great big, loving hello to all of my AMAZING ladies out there! It has been so long since I have given this blog my attention and it is about time that I do just that. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wanted to take a minute and write about a question that I hear so often from partners ... "How Do I Get Through This?" .... That's what I hear ... HOW? As partners you probably don't even know where to begin. The truth is that we don't have to let our partner's sex addiction or porn addiction suck the life out of us. I hear so often that women feel "destroyed" ..... the truth is that we may not have control over what has happened, but what you do have control of is YOU! That's the reality!</span></span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">The reality is that the only thing we CAN control is ourselves and we need to know how to move past our trauma and live in the present moment ... it is only then that we can move forward and be happy in whatever way that looks. Moving forward and empowering ourselves helps us to make the best decisions </span><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">that we can for us. These are invaluable life lessons and although this applies directly t the crisis that you are currently going through, this is so useful for most of life as well.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">When faced with this crisis .... How are you going to cope? How are you going to learn from it? How are you going to grow and change in awesome ways that help YOU?</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The truth is that you can use this opportunity to do all of these things. And I know right now, you just need help doing that. You need help, help that can guide you toward positivity and healing to help empower you. I strive to empower the partners that I work with and not let the circumstances in their lives suck the life out of them! Life is way too short for that!!!!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Really, this journey needs a path to follow. Now, everyone's journey is different ... but the path starts the same. The path may lead you in different directions but there is a path that can help guide you during this time. I find that so many women need a path that is motivating, inspiring and positive to help empower you to begin this healing journey. Part of the journey is dependent on your partner ... AND part of that depends on you.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hopefully your partner is getting the help he needs. Wether he is or not ... YOU need to be in control of healing you. Our happiness can never be tied directly to our partners. Happiness starts within YOU .... no matter what!!! </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I put together a FREE </span><a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/partner-support-sex-addiction-porn-addiction/" style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Partner Survival Guide</a><span style="line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to help give my ladies some guidance to help cope in a positive and empowering way. It helps to know that I have gone through it too, I've felt what you feel now, I know the hopelessness that hangs there, I know the feeling of insecurity .... AND I also know how to heal, how to be empowered in ways I never was before, how to be HAPPY no matter what life throws at me! </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyway, my <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/partner-support-sex-addiction-porn-addiction/">Partner Survival Guide</a> is too long for 1 blog post ... so here it is in a nutshell. Just go to the link and you can download the pdf right there. </span></div>
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<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Allow Yourself Time To Make Any Big Decisions</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take Care of Yourself</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Find Support</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Feel Your Feelings Without Judgement</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Focus of EFFECTIVE Communication</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Practice Mindfulness</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Create Healthy Boundaries</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Accept The Past Wont Change & Strive To Move Forward</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do Something Special for YOU - Hobbies</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bring Awareness To The Positive - Where is Your Opportunity</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;">Go to this page and download this </span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 1.38; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/partner-support-sex-addiction-porn-addiction/"><b>Free Guide</b></a> to help you begin your own journey toward healing.</span><span style="color: #333333; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Don't forget how important it is to take care of yourself ... not just the healing of your partner.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 22px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Remember, you are NOT alone in this!!! Be strong ... you CAN heal !!!!</span></span></div>
Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-3002367667295474082013-08-20T21:08:00.000-07:002013-08-20T21:08:11.744-07:00Making A GREAT LifeHELLO out there!!!! Seriously, it has been way too long since I have posted on my blog. At this point, I figured you all deserved an update on my life. It's been a VERY crazy many months and I have been focusing on my kids and our business. First of all, things are going AMAZING on that end! Our <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/coaching/">life coaching business with Feed The Right Wolf</a> has been steadily growing and we now are coaching clients all over the world and are in 12 countries now! It is so fulfilling to be able to be a part of CHANGING PEOPLE'S LIVES! It is awesome!!!<br />
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We are also at a point where we want to EMBRACE all of what LIFE HAS TO OFFER!!! Too often, we have goals and dreams but we procrastinate and let them fall to the side ... you know, because everything is just so much more important. Especially when dealing with any tough issue in your life (like addiction for most of you reading this) but the reality is that if we don't take care of ourselves and find things to keep us going, to fulfill us, to empower us ... we will just go on existing! And just existing is NOT finding our HAPPINESS. It is up to each and every one of us to find our passions, embrace them and not let the crap of every day life hold us back!!! We all deserve that!!!<br />
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What are those things in life that you have always wanted to do? Well, my family and I decided we wanted to be in a play and we got involved in community theatre. To make a very long story short, Craig, has always wanted to be in a play. He has been breakdancing and rapping since the 7th grade (he's now 42) and had the chance to be the Tin Man in his high school production but chickened out (partly because it wasn't cool AND partly due to outside influences). He has regretted that decision for the past 21 years!<br />
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For me ... My fear was singing in front of people ALONE .. but that is what you have to do in an audition! I thought to myself after everything I have been through and shared with people ... "I am scared to do this???!!!!" .... that just wasn't going to fly with me. I truly want to practice what I preach so it was important to me to do it too!<br />
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Well, we decided to do it and do it together as a family. And luck, or awesomeness, would have it Craig got the part of the Tin Man. The stars were aligned on this one ... first of all because that was the part he never embraced in HS ... and because of the character himself. The Tin Man wants a heart, needs a heart but in the end he ALWAYS had a heart .... he just needed to embrace the LOVE that he truly had inside. So, this was inspiring on many different levels for us!<br />
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I wanted to share Craig's words on facebook about this experience ... his words should inspire each and every one of us to live our lives to the fullest. For guys who are struggling with addiction ... to know that they aren't alone and there is hope! That you can change the way you think .... not as a victim but as someone who CHOOSES their path .... right here and right now!!!<br />
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<i style="color: #990000; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">"I</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">n high school I had the chance to be in a play but I chickened out. I loved to rap and dance but I was a jock that's not what jocks do. I said, "that was gay." (of course I didn't know better). </span></i></div>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">I put myself in a box . . . as a sexual abuse survivor this was a very confused and ugly box. </span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #990000; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I've thought about this cowardice every single play I've been too since 1989. Every single one. It doesn't </i></span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>matter if it's a kids play about the biosphere or Miss Saigon. . . I did't matter. Like clockwork <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1195690264&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/michelleperra?directed_target_id=0" style="cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">Michelle</a> would look over and there I was with a face full of tears. </i></span></span></div>
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<i>This Friday I restore balance to the force. I slay a dragon that's been haunting me since 1989. Good bye box. </i></div>
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<i>l am the Tinman . . . and I've always had a heart. </i></div>
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<i>And I get to do it with my incredible wife and two awesome kids. We are all in this play. Wait till you see Michelle's dancing. She is incredible - and she is my soulmate."</i></div>
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As for me ... this gave me the opportunity to find myself again! It has felt incredible. Back in my younger days, I was quite the athlete (gymnast and high jumper - actually went to a Division 1 college for high jumping) and it has been hard to keep up with that as an adult. Especially once kids come into the picture ... it is very common for women to just focus so much on our families that we really forget what our dreams once were ... or what we were good at ... or what lights a fire under our ass ... or what just makes us feel alive!!!<br />
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Theatre itself was out of my comfort zone but competing, being on a team, dancing and flipping is all the stuff that I once loved! This made me realize that I still can rock it ... I am doing things again that I haven't done in 20 years and it feels wonderful. And it is all because I TRIED ... I faced something that seemed uncomfortable ... I faced my fear .... I did something for ME .... I just tried something new and threw away the excuses of why it wouldn't work or why I wouldn't be good enough.<br />
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I walked down a completely new road and guess what? It created a NEW BEGINNING for me! Who knew I was still great at dancing and my cartwheels (and remember, I am not 20 anymore) were the best of anyone there. And I was asked to participate in the theatre's next production because I WAS good enough!!!! And I never would have known that unless I tried something new!!! <br />
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So, I am telling you this story because there is a lesson to be learned here ...<br />
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<ul>
<li>What Fear Is Holding You Back From Something YOU Want To Do?</li>
<li>How Can You Face That Fear And Try Something New?</li>
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Decide what you want to do in your life and MAKE THE COMMITMENT to actually doing it! A dream is just a dream until you create ACTION!!! Create action in your life ... YOU are the only one who CAN!!!!</div>
Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-62151683575506955332013-04-15T13:15:00.001-07:002013-08-20T21:09:49.971-07:00Guest Blog .... "What I Learned From Dating A Porn Addict With Bipolar Disorder"<span id="internal-source-marker_0.0906744422391057"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 27px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The journey of healing from sex and porn addiction that Craig and I have been on has certainly been an interesting one. It has provided us with such amazing growth, awareness, presence, connection and a new passion to help others. It has led us to some amazing women, some amazing men and some amazing couples!!! I love how once Craig and I talk about what we do for a living (coaching men, women and couples to heal from this addiction) and openly tell people our story how people feel incredibly comfortable reaching out for support. </span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 27px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wanted to share this story from an AMAZING WOMAN, a friend of mine, who decided to write down her story, what she learned and share it with others. I am sooo proud of her and I know this blog needed to be shared ... THANK YOU my friend for putting yourself out there, it is so incredibly brave!!!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 28px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>"What I Learned From Dating A Porn Addict With Bipolar Disorder"</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you’re reading this, thank you. I assume it is because you are either dealing with something similar, know someone in this situation, or frankly are just curious about my experiences; any of which are perfectly OK with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I decided to speak about my experiences because they matter. They matter because they happened to me and because I am a human being with feelings that need to be expressed. They also matter because too many men and women are going through this same thing and sometimes we just need to hear someone talk about an experience that we are all too familiar with, but sometimes are scared to say out loud. It’s important to talk about this in a way that doesn’t shame the addict, and doesn’t victimize the partner opposite of an addict.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writing this is a healing process for me. The shock of my break-up and the reasons behind it are still very real and hard for me. I don’t aim to air my dirty laundry for pity, or cast negative light on someone I still love very much, but rather to hopefully inspire the motivation for change in others who might be struggling with a porn addiction.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My situation is unique and especially hard because not only did my ex have a deeply rooted porn addiction, he is also severely bipolar. Two dangerous diseases that often feed off of each other.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But before I speak about what I went through and what I ultimately learned, it’s important to share a little bit about myself and my situation first:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am a 21year old college student who works in marketing, loves her friends and family, who is always happy, who has the sense of humor of a teenage boy and has a therapist for a mom. (That bit is important for later). I am an average individual dealing with a remarkably hard situation, just like many of you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I met my ex through a photography concert contest, as his competitor. We had never met before. He won the contest and ended up taking me to said concert as a nice gesture; we began dating shortly after.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like any new relationship, the passion was undeniable. It was a lot of sex and A LOT of time spent together. Disclaimer: (understand that if I am going to speak about a porn addiction and you are choosing to read about it, you are going to have to hear a lot about sex. And that’s ok, because sex isn’t bad, and it’s not the problem in my ex’s porn addiction. It’s natural and in the right context, it’s a beautiful, wonderful thing that two people do).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Soon after our relationship began, however, it became very clear that something was not right. Six months into our relationship sex became not so easy. Sex with my ex was </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">never </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">emotional, nor was it realistic, but I attributed the sexual expectations he had to the fact that he was a 24 year old guy who was just into some weird things. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wrong. </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There were </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">very</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> definitive signs about his porn addiction that I chose to ignore. The subconscious reasons behind why I ignored those signs are part of my recognized co-dependency and overall want to love and be loved back. (Thankfully, I have learned to be very self-aware. Most likely because a have a parent who is a Therapist).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In any relationship, knowing yourself for the good and the bad is what will enable you to be a healthy individual; one of sound mind and body and will allow you to maintain relationships. Ultimately, this is what saved me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Part of my ex’s bipolar disorder was that he was always brutally honest. Perhaps the one good thing about his addiction and mental deficiency was that he had to be honest with me 100% of the time, even if that meant it hurt me. His bipolar disorder was a clear cycle that I learned to read, understand and accept each month. Each phase of his emotional cycle was dictated and controlled by his bipolar disorder but was deeply influenced by his porn addiction.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the first week and a half each cycle, he was manic. I called this the, ‘on top of the world’ phase. In this phase he would constantly clean, organize and maintain a great schedule with anything and anyone. His Facebook posts often said things like, “Life is so great!” or, “Work is so kickass lately!” He was feeling good during this phase. There usually wasn’t a problem he couldn’t fix. He was also his usual hilarious self and continuously made everyone laugh. During this phase he could also manage to be romantic with me. He wanted to cuddle all the time, hold my hand, etc. We could go out places together and appear as the perfect couple to those who observed our body language towards each other. I viewed this as his authentic self. I longed for this phase, yet it was always the shortest.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">His manic, on top of the world phase was so important to me because that was also the only time we could have meaningful sex. Sex where ultimately he could climax. (If you know anything about porn addiction you know that climaxing during intercourse for some addicts is nearly impossible. A lot of them are so used to masturbation that they can rarely experience an orgasm from sex with a partner. Note: everyone is different, this is just my particular experience).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">About a week after the manic phase started, it would begin to fade. Phase two, the, ‘unsure of anything’ phase would soon set in, and it was always a good indicator of how phase three, the worst of them all, was going to look. The unsure of anything phase was troubling but not unmanageable. Sex in this phase was a lot of expecting me to act like a porn star and rarely any emotion; it also meant no climaxing for him during sex because he was watching excess amounts of porn when I wasn’t around.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Each time this phase occurred it would be like clockwork that he would complain that someone or something was being unfair to him, or taking advantage of him and it was almost always in regards to business. He would complain a lot that people weren’t respecting him, or were simply not giving him the opportunities he felt he deserved. In this phase he also was very calm. Not necessarily a lack of energy, just calm. He would get irritated with me (and pretty much everything else) easily and therefore he usually had no desire to go out, not even on dates with me. During this phase we spent a lot of time watching movies and working in the same room, essentially keeping each other company. This phase was really just a lot of being in each other’s presence, but hardly connecting. This phase usually lasted about a week.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It wasn’t long before phase two of his bipolar cycle ended and ushered in the third and worst phase of them all. The, “I think I want to break up with you because I’m tired of living like this, but can’t decide if that’s what I want” phase. This phase was worse than it would be for someone else who was only bipolar because it was totally dictated by porn. This phase shattered my confidence every time without fail. During this phase, sex was out of the question. If he had any sexual desire at all it was always directed to porn. He would always have zero energy and feel as though the direction of his life was going nowhere; his literal rock bottom. This was the phase where he would occasionally tell me what his ex-girlfriend’s used to do sexually with him, (usually something I wouldn’t do) in a not so subtle attempt to direct why are our relationship wasn’t working at me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The worst part of this phase was the part where he felt like we needed to break-up, but couldn’t decide if that’s actually what he wanted. Many people with bipolar disorder struggle with severe low points, such as this one, but because porn was so heavily ingrained in his brain, it controlled almost all of his emotions towards interpersonal relationships. Occasionally he would have moments of clarity where he would tell me that he knew that his bipolar disorder and porn addiction were to blame for all the hurtful things he was saying. Because his bipolar disorder made him so brutally honest, he would literally tell me everything that went through his head about me, good or bad. Not to be cruel, but because he couldn’t help it, and because it was what porn was telling him to think about me; his bipolar just made it hard to keep in his head.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The influence of his disease and addiction within his thinking process was true- his brain, like the brain of every bipolar and porn addict is neurologically wired with chaos and not always capable of rational thinking. He knew that he needed to get help. Those moments of clarity, however, were very seldom.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Each time this cycle occurred, it meant that inevitably we would have a conversation about if it was fair that we were still dating. That conversation usually looked like this: I cry and beg him to reconsider and he plays the broken victim and the, ‘it’s me not you” card.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">During this phase he would also call my mom. My mom is a licensed therapist and since he doesn’t have health insurance she was his makeshift confidant. (Legally, she was not his therapist because that is unethical, so rather she was a friend to him who just happened to be a therapist). She would do her very best each time to shine light on what thoughts were his bipolar and what was not. Each time he would end a conversation with her, he would say the same thing: “On paper she [me] is perfect. She is funny, beautiful, has a great personality, my family loves her, I love her family and she is the only one who has ever loved me truly for me, but there just isn’t chemistry so that must mean it’s not meant to be, and each time my mom would tell him that was the most classic porn addict line in the books.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Often times people would ask him why he wasn’t taking medication anymore after 17 years of taking a plethora a medications to treat his bipolar. It had been 6 years since he stopped taking medication and he thought he had a handle on his disease, which is ultimately why he decided to stop taking them in the first place. In his defense, growing up meant that his brain changed and morphed into the brain of an adult, and when he became an adult medications weren’t totally necessary.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">About a year and 3 months into our relationship, however, he suffered a total psychological break down that forced him to go back on medications. Those medications turned him into a totally different person who was virtually a robot. After a month, we both knew that for himself and for our relationship, it was better to deal with the consequences of bipolar disorder than for him to continue to live in a state of walking vegetation. During that month that he was deeply medicated, he could barely focus, talk, often looked off into the distance, couldn’t work and couldn’t even look at porn, let alone kiss or make love to me. That was how I knew he needed to stop taking that particular medication. (As a result of that experience, he was no desire to try any more medications).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The last component to my relationship with my ex was that he was living in a total fantasy world, which enabled his diseases to thrive.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My ex is the younger brother of a very famous, internationally known rock musician/lead singer and often toured and worked with his brother and his band. This lifestyle promoted a single, alcohol filled life that provided countless women throwing themselves at the band and crew, and booze to cover all problems. My ex knew this wasn’t the life he wanted for himself in the long run, but he made great money and because of his bipolar, he could barely handle minimal change, let alone big change like quitting a job thousands would probably kill for, for a 9-5 job.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">His brother, who is 12 years older than my ex and who has struggled with substance abuse and addiction himself, helped cast a light on what my ex’s life would look like if he didn’t get help now. So he quit tour-life and settled into a marketing job.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our break-up came as such a surprise because I viewed the signs of the end of our relationship as just another low point; another phase that I had dealt with each month before. However, this time it was different. My ex has reached his rock bottom. He left a job he loved, realized our relationship was literally imploding because of his addiction and was feeling pressure to move out of his parents’ house. All of those things created the trigger that prompted him to end our relationship. This time, he told me that we needed to take a break so that he could finally get help. In that moment, I couldn’t rationally think or be excited that he finlly accepted his addiction and wanted to get help. I was so devastated that I told him a break was, ‘total fucking bullshit’ and that we were done for good. Like so many other women and men who are partners to addicts, I was furious with his decision. Although I was thrilled he wanted to get help and knew it was the right choice, I felt I had sacrificed so much for person I loved and that it wasn’t fair.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After the dust settled, we were able to talk and lay out a game plan. Though we tried to say we were on a break while he healed, ultimately he didn’t lose enough, and went right back into the same place. I couldn’t sit back and watch him self-destruct. The way he treated me as a result of his addictions ate away at my confidence and I finally knew I had to walk away. It was my only choice. Addicts often don’t truly realize they need help until they lose everything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is break up is still extremely recent, and is still extremely hard. We do remain each other’s biggest support systems from a-far, and are still very close. The hope is that after all is said and done and he is in recovery after his treatment program, we can try again. Just he, I, and no porn.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">People often argue that we who complain about watching porn are prudes, so I’d like to take a moment to provide some education and shut that argument right down. Addiction to Pornography robs the addict of authenticity. It creates an image of what men and especially women should look like, act like, and have sex like; none of which are realistic or healthy. An addiction to porn is really no different than any other addiction, like an addiction to drugs for instance. The drug addict is constantly chasing a new, better high. They achieve that through more doses and stronger, different and often worse drugs, just to obtain a familiar high. Porn addiction is no different. What starts as watching two people have sex on camera in a safe consensual setting soon becomes not enough. To achieve a continual high, an addiction to porn more often than not opens doors to dark, dangerous images that exploit women, men and even children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The line between enjoying porn occasionally and sexually depending on it is very thin. Addiction to porn is a coping mechanism and a way to avoid dealing with other problems.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I know many of you are thinking the same thing. If this relationship was so bad, why did I stay, especially from those who know me and know of my roots in feminism and female empowerment. You’re absolutely right to ask that question, and that brings me to the most important part of why I shared my story.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s important to know that I don’t look at myself as a victim or as someone that everyone should pity, because ultimately I chose to stay in that relationship. I accepted it for what it was, even if it was subconscious. If you are in my same position, or are in a relationship with an addict currently, you need to understand that you are not a victim either, and that’s harsh, I know.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">See, while we didn’t</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">subconsciously choose the ones we love, in this case I am referring to the addict, we chose them in part because usually our pickers aren’t great. I mean, who would be </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">willing </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to date an addict. I do know that for many of us, the signs of addiction weren’t clear until well into the relationship, but we can’t fully say that we didn’t know he or she was addicted to porn. Unfortunately there </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">are</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> signs. Signs we all see, whether we choose to accept them or not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I say this not to make you feel badly. That’s the last thing I want. Believe me, I know what badly feels like. I’m still feeling that, as I am sure many of you are. I say this rather to help you develop a game plan. The one thing that will get in the way of your track to healing and addressing the situation is yourself. If you let yourself be victimized by someone else’s choice, you’re giving that person power that they don’t deserve.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can change your hair and your partner will still be an addict. You can lose weight, get liposuction or botox and your partner will still be an addict. You can have sex like a porn star and compromise your morals and what you are comfortable with sexually and your partner will STILL be a porn addict. The problem is not you. It is them. And you’re not a victim. You’re a good person in a bad situation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It is also important to understand that just because you want your partner to change, doesn’t mean they will. You can’t guilt them, threaten them or beg them. They will not change if they don’t want too; if they don’t feel like they have something to lose. It is only when they lose everything that they have no choice but to get their life in order.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is no right way to go about loving an addict, but of a few things I am sure: If they don’t want to get help, they won’t get better. That’s where you have to decide if staying in a relationship with that person is worth it. If they do choose to get help, that doesn’t guarantee that you will be able to make it work. The most important thing to you should not be if they get sober or not, it should be ensuring your happiness above anything else. You must honor your authentic self and compromising your truth for an addict is not being true to your authentic self.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My plan for loving an addict is that I don’t have a plan. By default, I am a planner of every detail, so not having control of the situation was enough to almost break me. But I won’t let it break me, though. Because I love myself more than I love an addict’s love. Porn won’t define me. I am beautiful and smart and have so much to give.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Be true and never lose sight of your most valuable asset. Yourself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">LC xoxo</span></div>
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Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-75387834489598902732013-03-05T13:36:00.000-08:002013-04-15T23:03:46.196-07:00Can YOU Feed Your Right Wolf?<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hi everyone! I am just going to start this blog with another, I can't believe how LONG it has been since I have spewed my words all over here! So, I'm sorry about that ... I know many of my AMAZING ladies out there really look for support and guidance and it is important to me to keep that up because we all know that I care and truly want to support this community ... even if it is just SENDING OUT A BIG HUG to you all!!! So, here is my HUG!!!!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">One thing that has been keeping me busy is that Craig and I (or Ed if you only read about us on here) have become the official <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/coaching/" target="_blank">Recovery Coaches</a> for the website <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/" target="_blank">Feed The Right Wolf</a>. It is a wonderful and VERY popular resource for people struggling with sex or porn addiction and their partners. </span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5I-X1SwxJRV7BSsoj5XmHTwu7TCIyskMrUT877MrehcwDMg0ApGT43guXczqAHqtUGj9Gd3gPlrtxil-ykFSww3LcAxwOYyMpl4BxvsBsjImjCj3yQvfkXXscu8cgRGqQnZFgiaCTpc/s1600/Depositphotos_4005773_s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5I-X1SwxJRV7BSsoj5XmHTwu7TCIyskMrUT877MrehcwDMg0ApGT43guXczqAHqtUGj9Gd3gPlrtxil-ykFSww3LcAxwOYyMpl4BxvsBsjImjCj3yQvfkXXscu8cgRGqQnZFgiaCTpc/s320/Depositphotos_4005773_s.jpg" width="283" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you don't already know the story of what <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/">Feed The Right Wolf</a> means, it's pretty motivating. Basically, it is an old Native American tale of a father who was talking to his son and explains that 2 wolves live inside of us .... one good and one bad. The boy asks his dad "which wolf wins". And the dad replies "The One You Feed". </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, there it is .... you have a CHOICE to feed the right wolf, make the right choice and be the person that you WANT to be. That goes for us ladies too ... we can choose to swirl in the despair of what has happened, be a victim and not embrace life going forward with all the awesomeness that it has to offer ..... or we can empower ourselves to know ourselves better and create the life that WE want to lead. ANd if our hubby's can't join in process than you will still SURVIVE and THRIVE.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let's Feed The Right Wolf and choose our happiness! No matter what has happened to us ... we ALWAYS want to choose the place of empowerment, the place of growth and the place of deciding the direction that WE want!!!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The site also has a <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/porn-addiction-recovery-course/" target="_blank">free recovery course</a> for the guys (addicts) that has been so helpful in recovery to MANY. They also have a wonderful community of different forums that anyone can be a part of. It's a great way to post questions, concerns, offer support or advice to others ... basically, it's like a small community of people going through similar things and supporting each other.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Check out the site and send me your feedback! And, it's a great place to send your hubbys too for some extra support! I find when we have support or feel part of a community of people who understand, it makes healing just a little bit easier!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">So ... I have been really excited to become a part of it! Craig is also running some get your life back </span></span><a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/accountability-group/" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; white-space: pre-wrap;" target="_blank">Accountability Support Groups</a> for the guys. <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Many people can't afford the cost of individual coaching but working with a team of other men (8 max on each team) gets them the motivation, support, tools and a network of other guys that can support each other. It's MUCH cheaper so if your hubby is concerned with the cost of getting the right help this is a great option. And we all know ... getting the right help is so important to healing ... especially for us ladies!! Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know about this stuff.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Share this with your hubby if he needs some Motivation, Inspiration or just need something to help them get on the right track toward recovery and healing!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I know this post has been all about me ... all about what we are doing ... all about his great opportunity ... but I am REALLY proud of the place where Craig and I are at today. It's amazing to think of where we were and the journey we took to get where we are now. We have worked SO VERY hard ... we worked through tears, fights, craziness, insanity, betrayal, hurt (should I continue???) ... and came out truly different people, truly happy and connected people and so excited about the next chapter of our lives! If feels GREAT to know that our story and our help has given others hope and sometimes that is just what we need to make it through each day!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-51123652262247509552013-02-06T10:43:00.001-08:002013-04-15T22:59:04.356-07:00Free Webinar For Porn Addiction<span style="font-size: large;">Hello everyone! Really cool day today, my amazing hubby is co-hosting a <a href="http://compulsionsolutions.com/porn-free-or-pizza/" target="_blank">FREE webinar</a> talking about porn addiction, understanding it and how to start making healthy choices. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAk8QRY_Qw7s78oYGOKtfhjjApaVzjyV03BHinY6HNVuypqNLfV_6TmcNKYdo6tL3Ad_7SfJdpqksWhqj6sHxzcdL5jCVvYibg2t2LEpnFuAOIoJiLfIP7nsS7GWze9KGKvKN4fPjdlVA/s1600/300X250-7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAk8QRY_Qw7s78oYGOKtfhjjApaVzjyV03BHinY6HNVuypqNLfV_6TmcNKYdo6tL3Ad_7SfJdpqksWhqj6sHxzcdL5jCVvYibg2t2LEpnFuAOIoJiLfIP7nsS7GWze9KGKvKN4fPjdlVA/s1600/300X250-7.png" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am really excited for him to have a place to help other men and hopefully inspire them to embrace their lives and start truly living it!!!! I think it's a great resource to pass on to some partners who maybe need a little extra motivation, understanding of their porn problems or just to listen to 2 guys who have been there turned their lives around and saved their marriages!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So ... I am passing this info on for the <a href="http://compulsionsolutions.com/porn-free-or-pizza/" target="_blank">GET OFF PORN WEBINAR</a>!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large; text-align: center;">Most of my readers know my hubby as Ed but this anonymous thing on my blog is getting a bit silly now. I mean he is a life coach (we both are with <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/">Feed The Right Wolf</a></span><span style="font-size: large; text-align: center;">) helping men, women and couples and is VERY open about it. We really are out in the open trying change the shame perspective so I do feel silly calling him Ed on here. When I started my blog it was too hard but it really is VERY different now. So, I will officially call him by his real name here ... that is Craig!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, Craig is teaming up with Alex from Feed The Right Wolf to host their first webinar. Alex is a great guy and has an AWESOME and VERY popular website for porn addiction. His website is really helpful so it is a great resource to pass on to your guys, here it is ..... <a href="http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/" target="_blank">Feed The Right Wolf</a> .</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ok ... HERE IS THE LINK TO THE FREE WEBINAR ... <a href="http://compulsionsolutions.com/porn-free-or-pizza/" target="_blank">Getting Free From Porn Addiction</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, I just wanted to post it on here and let everyone know about it!!!! Make the choice to have a GREAT and AMAZING day today ... you deserve it!</span>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-40595485204125851352013-02-01T11:31:00.005-08:002013-04-15T23:02:26.348-07:00How Do We Cope With The Insanity Of Betrayal?<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: #fff2cc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hello my AMAZING ladies out there! I have not been writing very much lately and I have felt really bummed about that. I'm sorry that it seemed that I have kind of dropped off my blog ... I have been doing a lot of work helping women and couples through this mess and it has been sooo rewarding! I get busy though and I have sooo missed this awesome place where I can just spew my verbal diarrhea ... and hopefully INSPIRE someone along the way!</span></span><br />
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<b id="internal-source-marker_0.7498562172986567"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SO, here is a GREAT question that one of my fabulous women asked me and I wanted to share my answer with you .... I think it is something that many women wonder and struggle with. So, maybe this can help a bit ...</span></b></span></span><br />
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<b><span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here is what she asked: </span></b><br />
<b style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How did u ever get through this? I don't think I can ... </span><b id="internal-source-marker_0.7498562172986567"><span style="color: #222222; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why me?</span></b></span></b><br />
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<b style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is such a commonly asked question and I think that so many of us ask this question to ourselves over and over and over until our minds are spinning out of control. It is a simple yet oh, so complex question. There is just no easy answer on how to get through this, or how to feel better. This part truly sucks! But here is how I got through it ... ... it was VERY hard and VERY painful and VERY sucky!!!! I wont sugar coat that part at all, that is the reality. </span><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b><br />
<a name='more'></a><b style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /><span style="color: #222222; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">BUT,</span><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I DID survive. It took time and tears and learning how to sit with the crap that felt like my life. Learning how to take my feelings, bring them inside of me and use them as a source of empowerment ... I used my pain to teach me not to be a victim in this. It empowered me to take care of myself, learn who I truly am and to stand up for myself ... now that doesn't mean leaving or staying .. it just means that I expected an equal, or rather a stronger, place in this recovery. </span></span></b><br />
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<b id="internal-source-marker_0.9220232372172177"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once you can learn to sit with the pain, to literally bear the weight of it, to allow it it's voice and not just push it away it becomes so much less scary. </span></b><b id="internal-source-marker_0.9220232372172177"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When we aren't so scared of those negative, intense emotions ... anger, sadness, loneliness, overwhelmedness (I think I made that word up - lol) y</span></b><b><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ou can LOVINGLY and COMPASSIONATELY support it and not run away from it. Once you learn to stop running and embrace the reality of what is ... it puts you in a place that is more bearable. Let's face it ... life from time to time is going to throw crap at you ... this is a lesson that we can carry throughout our lives, into sooo many situations. This is the piece that has helped me for my LIFE not just in my relationship ... I am thankful for that!!!! See ... the silver lining, there is ALWAYS something to be learned!</span></b></span></span><br />
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<b id="internal-source-marker_0.9220232372172177"><span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And as I am sure you already know, running away from it only pushes it into a box in your mind and it will come out at another time and often that other time is sideways in a way that you don't even understand. That can be so much more destructive later on ... it may feel better temporarily but in the long run it doesn't provide true healing and growth. It is part of you, it is part of what has happened, and let's be there for it entirely!!!</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: #fff2cc;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, I INVITE you to try an exercise for me. Try and imagine a possibility that there may be something in this mess that you will look back in 6 months and wonder in admiration of yourself how you used this nightmare as a source of growth. Pretend this is 6 months from now ... </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fill in the blank ..... I am incredibly proud of myself for surviving this nightmare which inspired me to grow in the following 3 ways</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; white-space: pre-wrap;">Remember, this question is from a future point looking back on this time. The point is to see how healing from this CAN make you stronger and more kick ass than before!!!! </span><b id="internal-source-marker_0.9220232372172177" style="background-color: #fff2cc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That little switch in the way we look at our experience, how we feel the feeling .... changes our energy to a more positive and supportive one. It also helps in learning to sit with these feelings and not engage in the constant swirling and fight of the them. Frankly, this is a big piece of healing and getting through this stronger and more fabulous than before!</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This process takes time, time to process the sad and the pain. These wounds do not heal quickly ... but they can heal, I promise! For me, it was about making peace with it.</span></span></span><br />
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<b><span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So ... the question Why Me? Well, let me ask you the question why not you? We can ask why me all we want ... but it doesn't deal with right here, right now. I look at it like I was presented with an opportunity to grow in ways I would have never before ... and why me? Well ... I'm even more fabulous now than I was before so I am going to rephrase that statement and say ... GO ME!!! </span></b><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My next post I am going to give you guys an exercise to help encourage some mindfulness ... or presence! It is so hard not to live in and swirl in the past .. so a big key is learning to sit with, enjoy and embrace the present moment! I promise you will hear from me next week with that exercise!!!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">OK ... LEAVE ME YOUR ANSWERS on the 3 ways that you might grow in this! Let's start a discussion and help each other! How can this nightmare help you GROW? Give me 3 ideas .... OK ... your turn .............</span><br />
<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-19632291400355009102012-12-20T23:24:00.000-08:002013-02-06T12:15:25.291-08:00Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Part 2<br />
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Wow, I haven't written anything in a LONG time! It is amazing how the craziness of life, work and family creeps up on you and before you know it over 2 months have gone by without a single word from me!!! I truly must stand up and give a HUGE applause & hug to all of the fabulous women out there who blog ALL THE TIME. I just don't know how you do it!!! I really am impressed and I just want to say that before I move forward with my verbal diarrhea!!!!</div>
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One issue that I have been seeing with many of the women that I work with in my coaching practice at Compulsion Solutions is around the idea of compartmentalizing. Both people see that concept VERY differently. Many men see the compartmentalizing as that their minds were shut off and the acting out didn't mean anything to them ... it was just a physical thing, it wasn't really them - it was Mr. Hyde, not Dr. Jeckyl. But to us, to the partner, it sure meant something! It's a profound betrayal. Ed & I actually did a podcast where we talk about that concept of the 2 sides ..... <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/dr_jeckyll_and_mr_sex_addiction"><span style="color: #1a00ee;">Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Sex Addiction</span></a>.<br />
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I do understand how they "compartmentalize" their behaviors (that is how our addict hubby's are able to do what they do), and it is true to an extent, but it doesn't make us feel any better in the moment. Those words don't comfort the wounds that are within us and in fact many men try to justify their behaviors that way ... and at times it can make us feel worse ... many women say it's like their whole life was a lie! To the guy, it was a different side to them .... but we don't think like that .... the addiction doesn't make sense to us so that doesn't make sense to us either. </div>
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So, for our hubby's it is so important to recognize this whole other side to the compartmentalizing. To us it's like you had your cake and ate it too. The more you try to convince us that it was a different side to you (not the part that loved your life) ... it starts to sound like an excuse - and there is some truth to that. Now, I know why men say that .... so we understand that you always loved us and this had nothing to do with your love (and I really believe that to be true ... I know it was for Ed). It's still hard to hear and almost impossible to hear at the early stages of discovery / recovery. The women are VERY wounded and anything that defends HOW they were able to do it (I know that is not the intention but it can sound like that for the woman) ... can suck! </div>
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Compartmentalizing is a coping strategy. I mean, think about it for a minute ... how could they do those things if they didn't shut themselves off ..... but the fact is that the actions were still done and they are still painful. In fact, it is almost heartbreaking to hear that you shut off a side of yourself .... a side that is supposed to love and protect your partner above everything else<span style="font-family: Arial;">.</span></div>
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So for the recovering guys out there ..... The women that I work with just have a hard time understanding it. Although you compartmentalized it and that helps you cope with your pain ... in our minds you still made the "CHOICE" to give in to that horrible voice in your head. You are still responsible for your actions and your partner thinks.... "if you really loved me you could NEVER do that". That is because we have a hard time understanding after that kind of betrayal - and honestly, there is truth to that. Now, that doesn't mean that you don't love your partner ... but understanding what love truly is, the maturity of how to handle an adult relationship, full of respect, honesty, vulnerability, integrity is not something you knew how to do well. But definitely something that can be learned!!!! </div>
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So guys .... completely "own" your shit! Be accountable for the crap that you pulled!! Your addict may have been the reason you did what you did but it was still you! You may not be able to realize it but you always had the choice, you just didn't make the right choice! Embrace the power of recovery and learn the tools that help you make the right choices! You CAN absolutely do it!!! </div>
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And to my LADIES .... just remember you are AMAZING! You also have the power of choice, you have chosen to stay or you have chosen to leave .... no matter where you are, you have made that choice for right now ... and neither choice is the wrong one! Embrace the opportunity you have, right here and right now to make your life better! </div>
Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-50838971887530863132012-10-02T23:29:00.001-07:002013-02-06T12:16:14.990-08:00PART 2 of "To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction" HELLO, I'm back! I've been away a little longer than I intended to be but things have been really busy for us this past month! I feel like I have so much to say in my head but I just can't find time to write it all down!<br />
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Life can be insane enough as it is ... it's no wonder that women practically lose their minds with having to cope with their hubby's sex addiction. I mean it's emotional and exhausting enough to just stay in the relationship (and fight off the overwhelming desire to chop their hubby's penis's off - LOL).<br />
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And then to top it off, like you don't work hard enough at just keeping your sanity ... you have people like me, telling you that in recovery <i>you BOTH have to work on yourselves and your relationship!!!!</i> That just doesn't sound fair, huh? Like you have the damn energy for that ... it's his problem right? You didn't do anything to create this klusterfuck of chaos so he should do most of the work, right?<br />
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To answer my own silly questions .... no, it isn't fair! We didn't ask for this and it is wrong that our suffering has to travel so deep into the core of our soul. AND, unfortunately sitting back and waiting for him to do his recovery work doesn't help create the life, the intimacy and the relationship that WE want. We have power too, we have a say and we know what we want. And what we want is Happiness, Trust, Intimacy and AWESOME SEX!!!!! </div>
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Give me a Shout Out if you agree!!!!! YES .... we deserve GREAT SEX after all of this!!! And many of us still can't understand if we are married to a sex addict why am I getting absolutely NO SEX??? It just doesn't make much sense. Intellectually I get it ... and I can talk about it until I am blue in the face ... but in my heart it is hard to understand, and I know that so many women reading this can agree.</div>
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So, that brings me to the topic of today's post (I take a damn long time to get to the point, don't I?) .... How to navigate the waters of SEX in sex addiction recovery? Recovery is unique for each person, for each couple, for me and Ed .... but I am going to share with you the reality of sex for Ed and I and the things that I feel pretty strongly about. <br />
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Sex is an important part of a relationship. To me it felt so important that I would lie in bed and feel like I NEEDED to have sex with my husband, to be wanted and desired so passionately and to just have fun and enjoy the moments of sex. Not having sex for so long felt so lonely and sad to me! The truth is that sex is a natural human desire that we can't just ignore and hope it will go away. It doesn't work that way ... trust me, Ed tried that technique but it was impossible to ignore the HUGE, ENORMOUSelephant in the room.</div>
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The reality is that connected and loving sex begins with intimacy. Intimacy and Sex are two different things. Intimacy is a connection, a closeness, an amazing spiritual bond. To develop intimacy you need to create trust, complete honesty and a willingness to be totally vulnerable. Once these things happen a sense of safety surrounds us. These things that I am talking about is the root of what is broken in our relationships. And the root of what needs to be repaired first, before dwelling too much on sex. <br />
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We all know that no one in this relationship feels safe ... definitely not the spouse who literally has just gotten the safety ripped out from under her ... and surely not the addict who at the core of his insecurities is often terrified of true intimacy. And without true intimacy the sex will be just ok and we all risk repeating the patterns that brought us here in the first place.</div>
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So, to make a really long story short .... through our recovery I realized what I really needed, what I truly desired was INTIMACY. It's the connection and the closeness that actually filled that need for me. To truly feel loved (there is a difference between knowing our husband's love us and truly to the depth of our hearts feeling the love) was the important piece to make me happy that I stayed, to know that I have worked my ass off to create the happiness that I know I deserve ... a relationship of fun, love and amazing equal respect.</div>
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It takes so much work but once you can create intimacy, with an amazing connection where you feel safe and grounded .... well, sex is just the natural next step. For me, creating the intimacy was FAR more important than having sex. Sure, sex is still REALLY important to me but I did realize though that sex wasn't actually what I was truly longing for .... </div>
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So, if you are still wondering what the hell am I talking about ... should you have sex or not have sex in recovery with a sex addict??? Well, my answer is this .... everyone is different. I think it is really important to take a <b>"time out"</b> in the sex department for a while. How long is a while? Well, that is different for everyone ... and for some it is a LONG while (sorry, that does suck to hear ... trust me, I get it). For Ed, he couldn't even begin to think about sex until we created intimacy and I know that is also true for many others out there. There are so many wounds that need to be healed and these wounds do not heal over night. And once you create the foundation of your relationship, the intimacy, well then the sex will be that much better .... and it will have been worth the wait!!!!<br />
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So, let's start with small baby steps .... small steps to create intimacy ... small steps to begin simple touch ... small steps to learn to love each other again .... to learn to trust each other again .... to learn to feel safe with each other .... let's start small and keep moving forward. Because I firmly believe that we can all heal from this and end up having the INTIMACY AND AMAZING SEX that we have been longing for!!!!!!</div>
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Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-9000014617608444522012-09-01T01:51:00.003-07:002012-10-03T09:47:16.940-07:00To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction - Part 1<b id="internal-source-marker_0.2890501734800637"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This week I have read a lot of other bloggers write about the “BIG” issue of SEX in sex addiction recovery. It is so confusing for all of us …. What do you do? Should you even be having sex? Should you talk about it? Will having sex trigger our partner? The questions in our heads go on and on … and then there is a huge <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_affliction_and_the_safety_dance" target="_blank">emotional safety</a> thing going on there. Everything is bubbling on the surface so it is a time that needs to be handled with compassion for everyone! I figured I always have a lot to say on many things so I am joining the discussion on the sex in recovery topic. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am writing this in 2 parts … Part 1 is my experience during our relationship and Part 2 will be what I have learned through all of this insanity!</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Intimacy for Ed and I has ALWAYS been a huge issue. When we first started dating our sex life was incredible! I mean crazy, fun do it everywhere crazy!!! After about a year, the awesome sex died. Almost like a balloon that has a hole in it … it just begins to fizzle until all of the air is sucked out and then it just flops to the floor. That is a perfect visual that explains how it went down!!! It has been a major source of fighting for much of our life but we have always been best friends, which is what kept us together but the sexual connection had been non existent for much of our relationship. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I know that this is a piece that many women can relate too. It is a pretty common pattern that happens for many of us. The passion is so intense at first and when it dies, it leaves both people confused. You love each other but once that passion and lust turns to a more intimate connection ....well, we know what happens then! We kind of cling to that memory, want it back (or just a piece of it) but it isn't there and the cycle begins!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For me, I never understood where that hole in our balloon came from and Ed couldn’t either. Many times we would have the discussion of questioning his sexuality … well, he thought that if he didn’t want to have sex with me than maybe he is gay. I can remember quite a few discussions on that. I even supported that feeling … I mean if you are gay, you are gay I said. But that obviously wasn’t the problem. All I know is at night I became lonelier and lonelier the older I got.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then we had kids (yes, we had to do it a few times for that) …. and that gave us some big distractions. We were so focused on our life, our new house and our new babies that although I thought about it …. I was really too tired to really deal with it. He was a great dad and that was what made me the happiest then … </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As I danced my way into my 30s the lack of sex started to become a HUGE issue. My sex drive increased "dramatically" ... they say that women are at their peak in their 30's ... well, this is surely the case with me. The more I would try the farther he would pull away .... and personally I think this desperate push toward physical intimacy was like the straw that broke the camel’s back for him. He just couldn’t give me what I so desperately wanted, that made him feel horrible, he started resenting me for it, he craved intimacy, I would cry and yell, he would distance himself, I felt horrible, he would act out (I didn’t know it then though), he would feel shame and guilt …... and the damn cycle kept on swirling around … and around …. and around …. and around …. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, most of you know the rest …. he hit rock bottom, lost his mind, made the choice to recover, embraced that recovery with me and worked so hard to understand the inner workings of his mind and learned to separate much of those from himself. He learned to make healthy choices and also learned how to be a partner in our relationship! We both did!</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We did this together and none of it was about sex (that doesn't mean I didn't want it - I mean really , really want it).... but for recovery it was important for us. It was interesting once we took sex out of the equation how we focused on connecting and both of us felt safe doing it. Our latest podcast in <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_affliction_and_the_safety_dance" target="_blank">Sex Afflictions & Addictions</a> talks about safety and why creating a safety agreement can be so useful in sex addiction recovery. Check it out .... you may learn something, feel understood and maybe laugh a bit too ..... </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So there is a brief history of our story. It is something that is hard to talk about, we all want sex, we all need sex, it is an IMPORTANT part of any marriage. But if your hubby has chosen recovery and you have chosen to stay with him (for now at least) then there is HOPE! I promise you that!</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stay tuned my friends for part 2!!! </span><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am going to talk more about my thoughts on SEX in sex addiction recovery!!!! </span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-87027499015021192132012-08-20T02:57:00.000-07:002012-10-03T09:49:05.214-07:00My Fantasy World . . . Maybe<br />
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Ok .... I'm not sure if any of you ever have wondered why I call my hubby Ed? Or at the start of my blog I called him A, short for Annakin Skywalker. There is usually a method to my madness in most things that I do .... and creating the "secret" name for my fabulous, annoying, wonderful, douche bag, narcissistic and amazing hubby was definitely intensely thought out!<br />
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You can hear Ed and I on our <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/dr_jeckyll_and_mr_sex_addiction" target="_blank">internet radio show on Spreaker</a> , our latest episode <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/dr_jeckyll_and_mr_sex_addiction" target="_blank">Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Sex Addiction</a> ..... talks about how we came up with Ed's "secret"name and some other fun stuff. Click <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/dr_jeckyll_and_mr_sex_addiction" target="_blank">here</a>. It's also really great to hear Ed's perspective too on recovery, what was going on in his mind and how he is finally creating the life he wants ..... a happy life, not a life full of shame and guilt.<br />
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But, here are some written thoughts for you on me and my brain ...... I obviously have a thing for the poor, tortured soul ... I have been thinking a lot about that lately and I still can't figure out where that comes from. Apparently that explains my love and patience for Ed .... but I must ask myself why. But in the end it really doesn't matter does it? While I enjoy analyzing these puzzles I also know that I am here, I am now, and I am happy!<br />
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For those of you who know me, you know that I am a HUGE Twilight fan! I'm sorry .... I can't help it, Edward, the love of my life (well, if he were real ... lol) ... is obviously the inspiration for "Ed's" name. He is the perfect guy ... well not really, since he is dead and pretend .... but he loves Bella so much that he would do ANYTHING for her, fight to the death for her, love her, cherish her .... blah blah blah .... I think you get the point!!!!<br />
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Is it so wrong to want that fantasy, that love that is so intense that you would do anything for each other? I know it is fantasy and it isn't reality, someone wrote these things from their minds so really is it even real? <br />
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I know Craig loves me, so much. And if something were to happen to me he would do anything to help. I know this ... I really do. But when you are betrayed in the way I have been ... in the way that many of you have been ... you lose faith in that feeling. I know he loves me, I really feel it too .... but that doubt of love still lingers as a result from that betrayal. <br />
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This is why I love the ya paranormal romance books ..... that first love, the intensity, the passion it is what many of us want ... and what many of us had at the beginning. But for me the betrayal wounded that perception. I occasionally find myself feeling that he wouldn't cry for me if he lost me, wouldn't fight for me if I found someone else .... I know it is ridiculous, and it is so far from the truth ... but that is the wounded reaction I have. It's hard .... and when I watch movies, like Twilight apparently, I get emotional because I am so drawn to the connection that the characters have. I then cry and say I want that ... but in reality I do have that ... but it doesn't always feel that way. And the feeling that he could during his life slip back into his addiction doesn't help those feelings . Those are my feelings and I have to make room for them, accept them and love the fact that I have the ability to love so very deeply. <br />
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These are my feelings that are reactions to my past experiences .... it is in my opinion like how the addict reacts to his past experiences too. I think that is a place where we can use those feelings to truly empathize with each other and I think empathy for both partners is a HUGE piece to true recovery.<br />
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But then inspiration hits me again when the characters overcome some HUGE obstacle (like giving birth to a half vampire baby and not dying during the process) save everyone from a huge werewolf fight and empower themselves to be AMAZING! It's like a sign for me and Ed to believe in ourselves and go after what it is that we want. And we want to help others and support the sex addiction community!<br />
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Don't forget to check out our podcast. I love doing it with Ed so listen to us chat about where the inspiration for Ed came from, how it all relates to <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/dr_jeckyll_and_mr_sex_addiction" target="_blank">SEX ADDICTION</a> and what we went through. We also discuss <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/dr_jeckyll_and_mr_sex_addiction" target="_blank">recovery song of the week</a> ... we all know how music can inspire us ... which totally rocks! Definitely leave some feedback for me .... I want to know YOUR thoughts!!!Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-10859400291633852012012-08-16T14:12:00.003-07:002012-08-28T21:22:37.123-07:00Ask Mishka About YOUR Spouse's Sex Addiction ...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #232323; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many women email me during the earlier stages of discovery / recovery of their spouse's sex addiction and just need some guidance from others who have SURVIVED the insanity of it all. </span><span style="color: #232323;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I want to answer some really common questions that I get from women, women who are lost, confused, scared and truly are just trying to keep it together one day at a time. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I remember that time so clearly, just making it until dinner time was a chore for me. The uncertainty of our future, keeping it together for the kids, putting a smile on my face when I was out in public and trying to make sense of the reality that was now my life was almost too much to bear!! But I did bear it … we all survive … and it helps to reach out for support from the blogging world, there is so much support to be found here and I just want to say a big Thank You to all the awesome women who share their stories … we can all learn so much from each other!!!!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Ok - now on to the <b>Ask Mishka Post</b>!!!! </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Q. I feel "Stupid" that I didn't know my spouse was acting out sexually. My whole relationship feels like one BIG LIE. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT????</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A. Let me ask myself that …. Was I that stupid? I'm sure many people think so ….I used to think so too but now I KNOW I wasn't. The fact is that part of our lives with our spouses was great. We both fell in love for a reason and there are parts of Ed's personality that is exactly what I want in a life partner (some of his other traits I can really live without … obviously!) We have had our wonderful times and our terrible times. But to the addict they are able to compartmentalize the 2 sides of their lives … it's a little bit insane if you ask me, but that is the unhealthy coping that they have developed over so many years. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">NOW, that doesn't make any of it ok, excuse the horrificness of the acting out, or ease the pain of betrayal one bit. But it is important to come to terms with the reality of what has been happening without feeling like your whole life was a lie or a waste. That is a natural emotional state to go through but not one you should get stuck in! </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Q. I found out that my husband is a sex addict and I am not sure if I should stay and try to work it out or if I should RUN as fast as I can for the door. I want to try to work it out but I am so angry. Am I stupid for not leaving?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A. I gave Ed a chance to turn his life around and be the incredible person I know he can be ... for me and the kids. But he had to earn it and work for it ... we both did. And if he didn't do the incredibly hard work … well, then I would have left him and survived on my own two feet! We spouses are anything but stupid ... if you ask me most of us are loving, caring, compassionate, and a little bit awesome! If loving Ed so much and wanting to do what I can to save my family is stupid ... well, then I accept that! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I think it takes a special, fabulous person to not run away immediately and try to save your family. I gave him a chance to change, truly and whole heartedly change (not a half ass attempt to stop by still clinging on a tiny bit to the rush of it all - a real I CHANGED MY LIFE)…. and if he didn't work hard enough, or I just couldn't move forward over time.... well, then at least I would have known I tried! Anyone should have respect for that! I DO!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">AND ... When you are officially done, you'll know it .... and if you aren't sure what you should do then I think it is good not to make any decision at all. Life can't go on the way it was .... he has a choice and is now being given an opportunity to learn tools to actually help both of your lives. Neither one of you have had those tools before. You have a different awareness now and that is empowering … change can happen and it is OK to give your relationship a chance to be what you want. And if it doesn't work out, you tried and YOU have learned a great deal about yourself along the way ... and that is never a bad thing!</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Q. I have so many intense emotions, I am angry, scared, overwhelmed but he can only focus on himself in recovery, should I keep my emotions to myself? My emotions make me feel pathetic, how do I get over that?</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A. Although recovery is about him .. it's really about both of you. You are going through it together and although he is wrapped up in his emotional wounds you have some severe wounds that are equal to his. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Letting yourself feel all of your emotions (the good, the bad and the ugly), allowing your mind to accept it helps to wake you up. This is empowering, not pathetic! It is because deeply feeling your feelings allows you to see the truth and it prepares you to watch out for YOU this time around! This is an incredible thing!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">You are ALLOWED all the crazy emotions that you have. The anger, fear, sadness, and whatever else you have. He NEEDS to see your pain, understand the effect that his actions had on you, be able to empathize with what you are going through ... understand that his actions are INFIDELITY ... he did terrible things and it hurts you, soooo bad! It is NATURAL and NORMAL to show your emotions, it is OK! Just make sure you express them with keeping to how YOU feel, how it feels inside for you ... and don't shame and blame him. He is hurting too ... the empathy we have for our spouse's is great .... and they should learn it toward us as well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Let's allow and accept our EMOTIONS, LOVE OURSELVES for them, stop trying to numb our pain and run away from it ..... once we can truly feel and love ourselves for our good and bad days ... that is where we can find inner peace and with that comes our HAPPINESS.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I learned to provide support for myself, that is the my most important tool but once Ed was able to support and empathize with MY pain that's when it became an equal partnership. And I know EVERY woman deserves that!!!! </span></div>
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Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-17061780683996397952012-08-11T11:26:00.002-07:002012-08-16T14:16:38.415-07:00How Do You Feel About The Sex Addiction Label?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Good Morning Everyone!!!! Some of you may know this but if you don't ... Ed and I have started a podcast on <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">Spreaker</a> , a little over a month ago. It has been such a fun adventure for us. We talk about our crazy, ridiculous journey through this world of sex addiction and recovery. We are hoping for people to hear the real us .... the fun, silly, loving, bickering, fabulous, BRAVE, hurting, painful, hopeful and inspirational us!!!!! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It is also a place where I am starting to become more comfortable with our REAL Names - but there is something that I love about <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">Mishka & Ed</a> - our crazy, internet, FAKE names ..... I'm pretty attached to those - it's like a silly security blanket for me - LOL!!!!!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Our latest episode is on <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">The Label of Sex Addiction - Is it REAL?</a> Is it a disease? Or is it just an excuse for BAD behavior? </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I would love for you to join our discussion about it, it's such an interesting topic and if you know Ed and I by now, you know our thoughts lie in the middle! We also talk about our favorite recovery songs (Never Surrender - do you know who sings that???), my favorite segment is my <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">Moment Of Zen</a> , Ed's segment on <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">Sex Addiction in The News</a> (you would be amazed at the crazy news shit out there), and I also had a MAJOR growth moment that I had to share with our listeners!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We laugh, we bicker, we mess up, we love each other .... pretty much the usual in this crazy world!!!! Here is the link!!!</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Our Latest Podcast - Is Sex Addiction Real???</span></a><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Thank you everyone for all your support for this blog! It has truly inspired our podcast ..... I love the amazing feedback that I get from all of you! Thank you for that!!! It has helped me more than you know .... it's amazing to know that I can help, that I can give hope, and that I can put a smile on your face sometimes!!!!! So, that is what inspired <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">our together project ... Our Fabby Podcast</a> . Ed and I love doing it together and bringing our voice and our story out in another way!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!! BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL .... and if you get a chance give us some FEEDBACK!! I would love to know what you think ..... You - my readers mean so very much to me ..... so check out the <a href="http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction/sex_addiction_a_myth_who_cares" target="_blank">podcast</a> when you can and give us a SHOUT OUT!!!!!</span>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-59347574240379487562012-08-06T20:57:00.000-07:002012-08-16T14:15:16.958-07:00Kung Fu Your Life With Sex Addiction<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Hey everyone! This is going to be a VERY short post but I am really excited that I wrote my first article for the <a href="http://compulsionsolutions.com/blog/kung-fu-your-sex-addiction-by-life-coach-mishka/" target="_blank">Compulsion Solutions Blog</a> where I am now a life coach to help support the fabulous WOMEN and COUPLES who are navigating through the crazy world of Sex & Porn Addiction.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Again, I have been inspired by another movie ... </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://compulsionsolutions.com/blog/kung-fu-your-sex-addiction-by-life-coach-mishka/" target="_blank">Kung Fu Panda 2</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">. I went to see it with the kids and I left the theatre feeling like I could go out into the world and Kick ASS!!!! Seriously, if you really pay attention to the theme (or it really could be my strange outlook on life - but who cares, right?) it totally mirrors addiction and recovery and kicking ass! It speaks to both the sex addict and the partner .... even if you think I am crazy, check out my article and let me know if you agree with me ... Ed and I loved it!!!! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here is the article .... check it out!!! </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://compulsionsolutions.com/blog/kung-fu-your-sex-addiction-by-life-coach-mishka/" target="_blank">Kung Fu Your Life With Sex Addiction</a> </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Tell me what movies inspire you during these crazy times of your life?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I am really excited to be writing for Compulsion Solutions as well as my blog. I am reinventing myself and it feels great .... totally scary but I guess this is my journey. I am just trying to follow the breadcrumbs!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Anyway, I also want to send a HUGE hug to all of the ladies that blog out there who pour their hearts out and share their incredible stories on their blogs! It helps so many people and I am so honored to be among this incredible community of STRONG, KICK ASS, POWERFUL women! Thank you for being FABULOUS!!!!! Love you all .....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-29457866693548783562012-07-24T22:19:00.001-07:002012-08-06T21:25:57.478-07:00How Do We Embrace "The Climb" ?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Tahoma, Arial; font-size: 14px;">In my experience, Life seems to throw at us the VERY THING that we need to work on the most. As annoying as it sounds, it's true. For me, it's money. I don't mean I want to be a billionaire, but financial security is and always has been important to me. I need it for my own feelings of SAFETY, just enough to pay the bills, take care of my family and have a few extra fun things in life. Of course, I would love to have tons of it (who wouldn't?) but to feel safe, I just need to know that I have enough to get by on.</span><br />
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Right now, I don't have the luxury of that safety. Ed and I are reinventing ourselves, passionate about supporting others through the hell of sex addiction and helping them to come out the other side with an AMAZING life! But money is tight, really tight (as we all know, Ed spent most of it in his downward spiral) ... and things keep getting thrown in my face to challenge my feelings of safety ... (you know, the car breaks down, or doctor bills, or a damn huge tax bill comes in the mail ... I could keep going but I wont ... LOL). It is so easy to lose focus of that dream we have or that dream that I HAVE. That money issue just stays there, lingering in the air ... taunting me every chance it gets and trying to convince me that I should take the safe path, the easy path.<br />
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Taking big risks that challenge my safety is not in my nature, I usually prefer the safe route or the route I can plan out what the outcome will be. Well, this is the VERY THING that I need to work on the most. Putting my faith in MY DREAMS. This feeling of a lack of safety is staring me in the face and testing my self confidence, testing my strength, ... as I always say, with great risk comes GREAT REWARD! Now, I just need to OWN that for myself!</div>
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Ok - here is where I am going with this story. Today, in a moment of feeling overwhelmed ... in a moment that I felt unsure of the path we are taking ... in a moment where I say "Life would be so much easier if I just got a job at a coffee shop," Ed calls from the side of the road on his way for a meeting with the Compulsion Solution team telling me his Jeep literally stopped on the highway ... I instantly felt my safety threatened even more as I knew this was going to cost us more money.<br />
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So, there I was in my car feeling majorly stressed and about to cry .... and then a song came on the radio ... and I felt INSPIRED by the words that came through the speakers. This song spoke to me, brought me to the present moment and reminded me to keep working hard and kicking ass!!!! The song was "THE CLIMB" by Miley Cyrus. I am so sorry if you aren't a fan of Miley - but we ABSOLUTELY can't ignore the inspiring message in this song (it was actually written by two veteran song writers)! It speaks to all of us, no matter what you are struggling with .... but these words are POWERFUL!!!! </div>
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<i>That dream I'm dreaming but<br style="clear: none;" />There's a voice inside my head sayin,<br style="clear: none;" />You'll never reach it,<br style="clear: none;" />Every step I'm taking,<br style="clear: none;" />Every move I make feels<br style="clear: none;" />Lost with no direction</i></div>
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<i>My faith is shaking but, I ... Got to keep trying<br style="clear: none;" />Got to keep my head held high<br style="clear: none;" /><br style="clear: none;" />There's always going to be another mountain<br style="clear: none;" />I'm always going to want to make it move<br style="clear: none;" />Always going to be an uphill battle,<br style="clear: none;" />Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,<br style="clear: none;" />Ain't about how fast I get there,<br style="clear: none;" />Ain't about what's waiting on the other side<br style="clear: none;" /><b>It's the climb</b><br style="clear: none;" /><br style="clear: none;" />The struggles I'm facing,<br style="clear: none;" />The chances I'm taking<br style="clear: none;" />Sometimes might knock me down but<br style="clear: none;" />No, I'm not breaking<br style="clear: none;" />I may not know it<br style="clear: none;" />But these are the moments that<br style="clear: none;" />I'm going to remember most, yeah<br style="clear: none;" />Just got to keep going<br style="clear: none;" />And I ... I got to be strong<br style="clear: none;" />Just keep pushing on, cause<br style="clear: none;" /><br style="clear: none;" />There's always going to be another mountain<br style="clear: none;" />I'm always going to want to make it move<br style="clear: none;" />Always going to be an uphill battle,<br style="clear: none;" />Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,<br style="clear: none;" />Ain't about how fast I get there,<br style="clear: none;" />Ain't about what's waiting on the other side<br style="clear: none;" /><b>It's the climb!</b></i><br />
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Let's not let the struggles we have faced define us, let's not let the crap from our spouse's addiction STOP us from achieving what WE want in this life. When faced with a road block, it is so easy to back down ... we say it's too hard, or we come up with excuses as to why we CAN'T do it, or we are just too tired of the climb ... that is how easy it is to lose focus. <br />
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I never want any of us to lose sight of our DREAMS! It's in those moments when life kicks you in the ass, when we can find our greatest strength .... I did find this to be especially true with me! Actually we have no choice but to survive. But I don't just want to survive ... I want to THRIVE!!! </div>
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SO, LADIES .... Will you join me on OUR CLIMB?? Remember, life is a journey, a journey to open up to all there is to experience ... LIVE IT, LOVE IT and LEARN FROM IT! That's all any of us can do ...</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span">Here is my dream: </span> I want to motivate, inspire and empower partners to <span class="Apple-style-span">find their inner fabulousness and create the life that they so want and DESERVE!!!! And, I want to use this passion to support myself and my family so I can create my OWN financial SAFETY! </span></div>
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Tell me .... "What's YOUR DREAM????"<br />
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(P.S. and the Jeep didn't break us and wasn't nearly as bad as expected)<br />
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</div>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-70451676234500049612012-07-14T22:39:00.002-07:002012-08-16T14:17:35.069-07:00Can 2 Steps Back Be A Gift ??<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Do you ever feel like recovery with your spouse is going ok, you are in a place that you can handle and things are looking way better only to be surprised when all of a sudden the two of you have taken 2 steps back?!! This really sucks and I KNOW that we all have been there.<br />
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This is so true about most of life, with your relationship, with your job, with exercising, with friendships ... whatever! Steps back frustrate us, make us want to quit, make us feel like all is hopeless! It's as if those steps back put us right where we started and what was the use of all that work that we just did anyway? In fact, it is the point where most of us WANT to quit .... and sadly it is also the point where many people DO give up!<br />
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"It's just too hard" ... "This isn't worth it" ..... "I'm so tired of all this" ..... "I just can't do it anymore" .... sound familiar? We have all said these things and if you are like me, actually meant it sometimes. But I didn't really mean them, I just felt frustrated since I have experienced the steps forward and I liked where I was headed. I KNOW what I want and how I want to feel and I won't accept any less at this point. Steps forward show us where we want to be ... or at least where we want to be headed.<br />
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Here is the thing though .... those steps back can be looked at as empowering and crucial to our success in life. They are a part of the recovery, or LIFE, process that can never be avoided. It can open your mind to see what you still NEED to work on, especially now that you might be more aware of your life. We are now in a position to openly see how our actions and behaviors affect our life and those around us. The patterns that you have been experiencing will keep repeating themselves if we don't accept what needs to be dealt with. <br />
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This recognition, this point of view and this openness can help put you in a better position to truly take a huge step forward. Once you are able to do that the leap forward will not be small baby steps but truly a leap ahead. Our steps back are truly clues showing us what we need if we are able to do the tough work it takes to keep our minds open to the message during this vulnerable time.<br />
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Throughout our life together Ed and I have taken so many steps back, steps forward, to the damn side, around the corner and where ever else steps can go! I sometimes feel we are doing Country Line Dancing - even though I have no clue how. This is such a common theme in recovery, it's real and it totally sucks. Just when we would think things are getting better a damn crater in the sidewalk appears and we can't step anywhere but in it! <br />
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The backward 2-step happened to us pretty recently when we took a long vacation back to the East coast. At the time, we were just tired ... tired of everything! Everyone wanted to know what Ed did, how I was surviving, and learn about our incredible adventure. While we initially laughed together and celebrated our lives together it wore on me. And Ed. It's not easy knowing your family knows your husband had sex with a prostitute - oh yeah, and that I was on national TV with Anderson Cooper talking about it.<br />
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This was touching Ed's wounds ("not good enough", "loser", "hooker fucker" the voices shouted in his head) and mine ("loser for staying" and so on and so on), and by the end, as much fun as we had, we had had enough. But with the exception of one, what we call a <i>slip from presence</i>, we knew that these uncomfortable feelings were our friends . . . . trying to tell us what we need to work on and what to be aware of, what part's of us were still hurting. We listened. - <br />
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During the tiff, we were actually pretty nasty to each other and to be honest my safety was being triggered (not physical safety but the safety that you emotionally need to feel secure in a relationship) and Ed's wound felt like it was getting punched. It was both of us though ...<br />
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But, after a pretty big fight .... some fantastic name calling (you can imagine the phrases that I can throw around "hooker fucker") .. and some other immature tantrums (sometimes they are inevitable and fun to look back on and laugh about) ... we stopped and took a deep breath, . . . and then took another. <br />
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Then we took some time to recognize that this wasn't the way we like to communicate anymore - this wasn't "skillful means" and "loving kindness" (Ed's tattoos BTW). As fun as it is in the moment to act like a complete child it doesn't work and it really doesn't work for us. We know this now, we know we don't want to hurt each other and we understand those types of communications makes each of us feel unsafe.<br />
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So with the tools we learned from George and Paldrom, and those we learned on our own, we were able to slip away from the crazy moments of emotion and ask ourselves, "what is this feeling trying to teach me?" "What can I learn here?" To make a really long story short (I can babble on and on and on and on ...... wow, do I ever stop?????) we had one of the greatest communications that we have EVER had. It brought such a wonderful understanding and empathy to each of us. Actually, since then ... Ed has been exactly where I need him to be and I am truly HAPPY. He has been loving, compassionate and affectionate. Really that was all I had wanted .... and I feel really loved!!! That step forward ROCKED I must say!!!!!<br />
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Here is the moral of this story ...... If you can embrace those steps back and see them as natural and necessary, you can see that it is the time for you to work even harder. Open your mind, You see what you want now, you know where you want to be headed ... so the leap forward can bring you even farther than you were before! AND THAT IS A WONDERFUL THING!!!<br />
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Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-8565606867465383282012-07-04T14:17:00.000-07:002012-07-24T22:23:55.564-07:00Freedom ... Ain't It Sweet!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Today is the 4th of July, a day to celebrate freedom for our country. For many people it means, parties, food, friends, fireworks, booze ... and anything else that goes along with a big ole' celebration! Most years I don't even think about the meaning too much, it's just a totally FUN holiday where no one works and we watch really cool, sparkly and awesome fireworks!!! (I just love the glittery ones ... they always make me smile). </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So, it's been a pretty tough but incredible year this year. With that in mind the concept of this holiday today got me thinking. My brain has been completely lost in thought , thinking about what freedom means for me right here, right now! For me it is a bit different than the patriotic kind ... and I just want to take a quick moment to recognize the things that I want to celebrate today ... </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">here, in this moment!!!! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Today IS about FREEDOM .....</span><br />
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Freedom from the craziness of addiction in our lives. </span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Freedom to make the right choices for myself because I know I will survive no matter what I go through.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Freedom to know I am powerful and strong and can do WHATEVER THE HELL I want to do!</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Freedom to discuss what has happened in my life and the challenges that I had worked through, without worrying about that judgments of others. I know it helps others and I am so VERY proud of that and proud of us!</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Freedom to BELIEVE in the incredible possibilities that lay ahead of Ed and I for the future!</span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And most importantly ....</span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Freedom to believe in the existence of my fantasy that my relationship will be filled with passion, intimacy and excitement one day! We have the intimacy down ... now we are working hard at the passion part!</span> </li>
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So I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS to all of my incredible, fantastic and BRAVE brothers and sisters out there! If addiction of any kind has touched your life, wether yourself or your loved one ... just take this day and celebrate the fact that you have the ability to pave your own path through this life! What do we tell our kids? "You can be whatever you WANT to be" ... believe it ... just believe it with everything you have inside, it's TRUE!!!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Happy 4th everyone! I am going out to a party now, to be with my family and friends and just bask in the fact that my life and family may not be perfect ... but it is mine and I love it!</span></div>
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<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-73971826072012466452012-06-12T14:00:00.004-07:002012-07-12T23:14:18.681-07:00LET IT BE .... Recovering From The Effects Of Ed's Sex Addiction<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It is so tempting to stand on the rooftop and scream "My husband is a Sex Addict everyone! He cheated, he lied, he ignored ... but please don't judge us, we are doing the best we can!"</span> </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-size: large;">The reality is we don't and certainly can't do that. Society for the most part judges our spouses for being douche bags and judges us for staying with such assholes. We are forced to put on happy faces and pretend like everything is normal .... </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is so hard pretending that your life is "normal", that your life isn't about to implode any second, especially in public. That is a really challenging part of navigating on this path of recovery. If you are getting divorced than maybe it is something you can tell, but not this .... definitely not this! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I remember just moving to CA and all Ed's crazy shit was going down. I was meeting new friends and I would talk about my husband but no one ever met him, since he was never around ... and I was starting to lose it. I never felt mentally out of control but in those crazy months I did ... and it was oh, so scary! </span> </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am normally a really positive person but it was like I had diarrhea of the mouth and if I didn't get it out I would actually explode ... I started telling some things to these new friends of mine. Great way to make new friends, huh? ... "it is so great to meet you and guess what, my life is spiraling out of control, my husband is screwing other people, thinks he might be gay and has pretty much abandoned the family". Awesome first impression of my family, huh?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In those moments though I just couldn't do it alone and I couldn't pretend that things were "normal". Thank goodness these people were really cool and are still supportive of Ed to this day ... they were really wonderful to me and really supported us at the beginning of our therapy. I wouldn't have been able to handle the kids, the start of school and driving Ed to therapy every day. I sure as hell wasn't letting him drive himself almost 2 hours away - through the city where it ALL happened .... um, hell no! Plus, physically he was in no condition to be driving himself anyway .....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It is so hard to function, let alone be normal. I remember at the school though or at soccer I didn't and wouldn't tell those friends .... and it was hard and really lonely. I have always been very ORGANIZED and in control, super in control - it was totally my thing ... not so much anymore.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Let it Be ....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So, instead of trying to regain that sense of control which I just don't have right now .... I started to embrace the fact that I was a disaster and I began to own the ME that was struggling. It felt soooo good to not fight it, not get annoyed with myself for feeling like shit, and resist the overwhelmed feelings of life that can at times consume me.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Instead, I accept this part of me and this part of my life: </span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">When I am overwhelmed I completely feel it and allow myself to not get anything done in the house. </span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I allow myself to forget my kids homework and be late to soccer practice. </span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It's ok when I forget to call someone back or not remember that I was supposed to bring a side dish to the party. </span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I laugh at the me that has to listen to my friend say how wonderful Ed is, how much he loves me and to not be mad that he got tattoos on his arms..... that is another story for another post - no worries, the tattoos are actually a nice message but I just hate them ... LOL. They remind me of the shit that has happened. </span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It's a Great thing when I sleep in a little too late or don't have the mental stamina to do anything else but vegetate in front of the TV. I have been through an emotional trauma and it takes time to recover. I am tired and the only way to heal from that is to actually rest!</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I love the part of me that takes the few minutes in the morning to make Ed and me lattes and sit there and drink them while we don't get anything else done ... and the shit in the house gets messier and messier ... I just don't care anymore. </span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What's important is that I make peace with this chaos that life has dealt me and I am doing the best I can! Ed and I are doing the best that we can and the best that we can is pretty damn great, I must say! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We are trying to use what some might call a horrific challenge to rebuild our life by helping others. We have been interviewed on several radio shows, we are starting to write a book, we are about to start our own internet radio show and I have also been helping women heal from the discovery of sex addiction in their own lives. Oh yeah ... and I was even on the Anderson Cooper Show! We are also starting our own company .... these are things I NEVER in a million years thought I would do!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">All of these things bring me such great joy ... but also stress me out at the same time!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">This is the me that I love right now! This is the awesome me that has been knocked down, dragged through the mud and has come out the other end stronger than before! This is the disorganized and crazy me that my kids can be proud of .... and most importantly, the me that I AM PROUD OF!</span><br />
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<br /></div>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-30005670811291184342012-05-20T23:25:00.002-07:002012-07-12T23:15:57.400-07:00My Shame with the movie "SHAME"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Ed & I finally watched the movie "SHAME" last week! Wow, is all I have to say. It is a movie about a man and his sex addiction. I am not sure what I expected but I am still shaken by the emotions that I felt watching it. I am not sure if I even liked the movie, if you don't understand the world of sex addiction I am not even sure if you would fully comprehend everything that went on ... but what had the biggest impact for me was the loneliness that Michael (the lead character) felt. It was so intense and so real that it stayed with me for days ... the loneliness was just so heartbreaking.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And then there was the infamous "3 way sex scene"! I had read that it was one of the more intense and erotic sex scenes .... in my opinion there was nothing erotic about it. If you look closer, you can see the pain that Michael was experiencing, the shame that he felt .... it just made me cry. What a sad and lonely place the addict is in! I wanted to cry for him (or I guess Ed really), cry for the girl that he really liked but couldn't be with (and that would be me) and cry for his sister that he just kept ignoring. The more she tried to be close to him, the harder he pushed her away (hmmm ... sound familiar anyone???) </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Ok, I just want to talk about the word SHAME for a minute ... that is a powerful word in the world of sex addiction! The word runs so deep in this space that it becomes a HUGE anchor for everyone involved!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The addict suffers with the shame of their thoughts and behaviors and with that comes the loneliness that they feel. As a partner I felt shame in a different way ... I felt shame for staying in the relationship. My shame was for letting someone else decide on my happiness. I didn't understand at the time, I loved Ed and he loved me and that LOVE will conquer all with a little work. Well, I didn't truly grasp how deep his problem was. Once I did understand I felt shame for not recognizing the signs and not setting clearer boundaries with what I would tolerate ...or should I say I allowed those boundaries to be blurred. Realizing that and finally understanding allowed the doorway of shame to be opened.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Once I opened up that doorway and truly connected with the shame, well, then I felt the loneliness. And the loneliness ran deep ... oh so deep! But the ironic thing is so did he ... just in a different way. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It's so interesting how lonely the addict feels, how lonely the partner feels, how lonely the sex addiction world really is. Man, I just hate the loneliness.... I really, really do! Everyone is lonely ... if you watch the movie Shame, it's hard not to be affected by the loneliness. And if you are part of this world as I am ... the movie can help you have empathy for everyone involved. Everyone suffers ...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">But, what I have learned through my self discovery is that I need to embrace my feelings of shame, learn to accept them as part of myself and give myself compassion for the challenging times I had to endure when I just didn't understand them. Once I started to do that, I began to use those feelings as life lessons, to feel EMPOWERED... and feel confident enough to know that I am strong enough to not make those mistakes again!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And to be honest ... it is so important for Ed to do the same!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Did you see the movie Shame? What was your reaction to the loneliness?</span><br />
<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-85413332574916594102012-04-19T00:20:00.000-07:002015-05-11T11:41:11.246-07:00My Sex Addict Husband ... If I knew then, What I know Now?<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Here is a question that people ask me "If you knew then, what you know now .... would you stay with Ed?" .... that is probably the hardest question for me to answer. The answer is "I DON'T KNOW". I know that isn't the answer that people want to hear .... but it is the truth!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">First of all, I love Ed so very much! I'm happy that we are together, I am happy that he is healthy and I am so happy with the incredible family we have. AND I would love to say that I have no regrets at all .... but that would be a lie. I don't like to dwell on the past, I am here now, I am happy today and I did the best I could at the time. But, that question is often asked and I wonder if I had the knowledge and tools that I have today ... would I have made different choices?</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Truthfully, I may have! The problem is that Ed .... and many addicts as well, are so good at lying that it was really hard to truly see the reality of what was going on.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I wish I had picked up on the subtle clues at the beginning of our relationship. As always, the beginning was AMAZING .... so intense, so passionate, so what I wanted! But then it faded ... not gradual as with many other relationships but a sudden halt. We still had our great friendship and I couldn't imagine my life without my best friend so I just kind of ignored it and complained a lot about it.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">That lack of intimacy has been so lonely over the years. It is something I crave, something I need and Ed has never been able to give it to me. The harder I pushed the more it would drive him away. We have had our good times and our bad times but the fact is I wouldn't wish that LONELINESS on anyone.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Also, worrying about diseases really SUCKS! Ed was acting out sexually and was safe MOST of the time, but it only takes once to catch a really, really bad disease! I think addicts don't always think clearly. So, a bad choice can be made in a moment of weakness and they may not even realize it or they lie about it ... and I think we all know about "the lying". And as a result .... that puts our health in danger. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">And to top it off, the shattering of trust and the trauma that is a result of his acting out has been awful too. This wasn't a mild case of sex addiction ..... and the fact that it happened a second time .....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Wow .... I just changed my mind ... as I read everything that I just wrote down, I'd be out of there quicker than I could run ... well, NO... um, YES... hmm, NO.....YES... NO....YES ... AAAAHHHH!!!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Omg .... this really is the hardest question ever! I'm sorry that I just can't answer this .... I have NO idea what I would do. We've had wonderful times that I would never want to not have ... and the bad times I could have lived without but here we are today. It really doesn't matter what I would have done but I know other fabulous women out there, who are in pain, sometimes want to learn from us survivors of this.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I do know this ... if your partner is willing to do the work, the toughest, terribly painful, looking within and dealing with all the shit pain that they have caused work ... and are committed to recovery and I mean a lifetime of recovery than it truly CAN be worth it. I PROMISE you that!!!!! They need to look at their recovery as healing for themselves as well as for the relationship.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We've seen MANY men reclaim their lives and I can honestly say that the men who choose recovery can truly change. This is exactly why my hubby is so passionate about helping men who WANT to heal, he has dedicated his coaching practice and created an <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/online-porn-sex-addiction/">online recovery program</a> to helping those men save their marriages, relationships and just create a truly happy life. So, watching him create <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/">The Mindful Habit</a> to help others has made me realize that this was the path we were meant to take. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">BUT, if your partner is not immersing himself 100% in healing and stopping the insanity than I would seriously think about YOU and your happiness a bit harder. You are most definitely worth it!!!! It is a tough road and I'm sure I wouldn't be quite so supportive if this kept happening over and over again. There is only so much one CHICK can take!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, I guess my point is this .... there is no point in dwelling in the "What if's ..." The Truth is:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We Can't Change The Past</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And We Certainly Can't Predict The Future</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">All We Have Is Right Here & Right Now</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, make the right here and right now the best it can be for you. Understand & learn from the past, but don't stay stuck there ... YOU need to heal and move forward too. For some of you that means trying to work it out, for some of you it means having the courage to leave. But either way, find the support you need, download my <a href="http://www.themindfulhabit.com/partner-support-sex-addiction-porn-addiction/">Partner Survival Guide</a> and remember ... you WILL get through this!!!!!</span><br />
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<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com41tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-2845677504980160812012-03-25T17:59:00.001-07:002012-05-30T12:01:32.992-07:00Sex Addiction, Insanity & The Grandpa Room ....<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You told me she was ready to be a mom ....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You wanted to live in a house together but date other people .....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You said you had sex with her and it was the most incredible experience of your life ....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You said you never really loved me .....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">You also said to "Put it in the Grandpa Room" ......</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What???!!! First of all what is a Grandpa Room? .... And what am I even putting there? OK - it was that last statement that brought me to the realization that he was actually INSANE! All of the other things he said hurt ... and the hurt still runs deep .... but once he told me to put it in the Grandpa Room, I realized what an insane place his mind was in. He wasn't even on planet earth, actually he was somewhere in a galaxy far, far away (Star Wars anyone????). </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">He said those things in bits and pieces .... they stung then and they still sting now. Even though I know those things were said without reality being a part of his world, and it was really the compulsion talking .... they were still said. And it still sucks! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Ironically, the depth of Ed's insanity helps to make the situation easier to accept .... and easier to heal, for me at least. There was absolutely no reality in where he was. He has to come to terms with what has happened as a result of his horrifically poor choices and I must come to terms with the fact that he doesn't truly believe those things that he said. Now, that he has returned to Earth we often joke about it. Every now and again one of us will tell the other to "Put it in the Grandpa Room" ..... and we stop, laugh, sometimes cry, and we stay in that moment and are completely happy that I am not sending him to the "Grandpa Room" ..... at least not today!!! :)</span>Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4221411310103222514.post-82138858258395970082012-03-13T23:21:00.001-07:002012-05-30T12:04:54.709-07:00Sex addiction memories suck ... today RULES!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It's amazing when you reflect back on your life the feelings that it can create. I often look back on my college years and I think of how much incredible fun we had ... or I think back to my childhood and I am brought back to my life as a hard core athlete (man, where did that athlete go???) ... I also reflect on our early days of marriage and the kids and again I think of all fantastic times. It's interesting how I conveniently forget the struggles and craziness that has been part of our crazy life with sex addiction!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Being a positive person is my thing, my brain is just naturally wired that way. I'm not sure why but I was born an optimist, I have always made people laugh and I can see the positive in ANY situation. The glass is usually half full in my world .... which is a great way to live, an inspiring way to live actually. Especially in the world that I live in, this method of mindfulness has been so important for my day to day survival.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So, it is interesting to me when I am forced to confront certain strong memories. Ed and I were interviewed by someone who reports on sex addiction and it's effects. She is totally amazed at our story and how we are still together and happier than we have been in a very long time. So, we happily said we would tell our whole story ... we were really excited actually to tell our story TOGETHER! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Once I started talking I couldn't believe how HARD it was! I often tell my story in bits and pieces ... a little here, a little there ... but I started telling it from the beginning. And the questions she asked really got to me. Why did you stay? or How did you cope? were recurrent questions and I just kept thinking that I was just so young and truly naive to the traumas of sex addiction. Listening to the story as an outsider gave me a pit in my stomach .....</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">It hurt to hear about the man who struggled day to day and it hurt to relive the experiences that I went through then. Thinking about those lonely nights when I slept alone or remembering the pain of hearing about the affair he had 10 years ago but supporting him through his recovery was a little too much too absorb. Back then I took good care of Ed and I didn't take care of myself the way I do now. I was struggling with the feelings for my younger self. I looked over at Ed and he was struggling with tears as to what he actually did, the pain that was caused by him and just thinking how many years of our lives have been affected by his compulsion. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Wow! That was more than we had expected. Strong emotions ran through me the next day and it was a tough day. I was overwhelmed with life, overwhelmed with the effects of what we are dealing with since his "bender", overwhelmed with our "lack" of money right now and so overwhelmed with the future. But then a radio commercial came on the radio. It talked about the Hunger Games Movie opening in 2 weeks (if you haven't already read the book - you totally should before seeing the movie - it is AWESOME!). And I realized how lucky I am to have Ed the way he is now and a man who is probably as excited as I am to go to the midnight premiere of one of my favorite books "The Hunger Games". That is awesome and I feel really lucky. Ed is what I need right now .... and Ed is what I want right now.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">For me, life is about <b>holding onto the good memories!</b> I love to remember the awesome cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee that I used to have every day (a painfully missed east coast thing - omg, I miss it way too much).... and the amazing times in college with Ed & my friends that still make me laugh so hard I practically pee my pants .... the times Ed, me & our kids went on vacations .... or the year that we watched High School Musical every Friday night for movie night for our kids but really because we both loved it .... these are the things that I choose to focus on. These are the things that continue to make me smile today! </span><br />
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<br />Mishka_Lifehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04112251033786344354noreply@blogger.com4