This is Ed, Mishka's Hubby!

This is Ed.  Mishka's hubby.


Mishka is my soul mate, best friend, and the one who hurt her the most of anyone in her life . . . ever.  In turn, she saved my life, picked me up when I fell - hard . . . and she is the strongest person I know.  


Her blog has opened my eyes in so many ways - and brought us closer together.  The healthier I have become the more I am able to grok the betrayal and trauma I caused.  Empathy for Mishka has been pouring in and it's shocking (like the "I have to throw up" shocking) that I did such terrible things to someone I love with all my heart. 


Empathy for me means greater intimacy and love with Mishka.  As hard as it has been to let in her trauma, right now, it's harder to keep it out.  And this is good!  

I read recently an article that drove home hard this point.  The article talks about how the spouse of a sex addict suffers from trauma, acute trauma, not necessarily co-dependency.  The article notes how this trauma is often overlooked or minimized.  Trust me when I say it, my actions caused trauma.  Here is a a blurb:

• sex addiction-induced trauma for significant others is particularly acute around: 
• discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), 
• disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and 
• around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system.  

The article says Mishka's symptoms were similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD).  Make no mistake about it, I raped her trust . . . I just don't know how else to describe it.  It caused her considerable pain, and not just the long term "I have to talk about my feelings pain."  But the here and now, sharp, I broke my leg pain. 

I was adopted and molested and sometimes I see the world through this lens.  I remember falling to my knees when a thought just exploded in my head and I was able to relate her pain to mine.  It was frighting, like curl up in a ball frightening.  


Inside my body, I thought to myself, "she must feel like the kid who was molested and remembers it years later, or the one who is told he was adopted after years of thinking otherwise.  Through my lens I saw and felt a part of Mishka's pain.  

Yet still, I have only just begun to "grok" the pain I caused.  She is a survivor, beyond amazing wife, best friend, incredible mother, powerful "hear me roar" kinda chick (her words).  


I fucked up bad.  Really bad.  And I'm going to make this right.