Hi everyone! I am just going to start this blog with another, I can't believe how LONG it has been since I have spewed my words all over here! So, I'm sorry about that ... I know many of my AMAZING ladies out there really look for support and guidance and it is important to me to keep that up because we all know that I care and truly want to support this community ... even if it is just SENDING OUT A BIG HUG to you all!!! So, here is my HUG!!!!
One thing that has been keeping me busy is that Craig and I (or Ed if you only read about us on here) have become the official Recovery Coaches for the website Feed The Right Wolf. It is a wonderful and VERY popular resource for people struggling with sex or porn addiction and their partners.
So, there it is .... you have a CHOICE to feed the right wolf, make the right choice and be the person that you WANT to be. That goes for us ladies too ... we can choose to swirl in the despair of what has happened, be a victim and not embrace life going forward with all the awesomeness that it has to offer ..... or we can empower ourselves to know ourselves better and create the life that WE want to lead. ANd if our hubby's can't join in process than you will still SURVIVE and THRIVE.
Let's Feed The Right Wolf and choose our happiness! No matter what has happened to us ... we ALWAYS want to choose the place of empowerment, the place of growth and the place of deciding the direction that WE want!!!
The site also has a free recovery course for the guys (addicts) that has been so helpful in recovery to MANY. They also have a wonderful community of different forums that anyone can be a part of. It's a great way to post questions, concerns, offer support or advice to others ... basically, it's like a small community of people going through similar things and supporting each other.
Check out the site and send me your feedback! And, it's a great place to send your hubbys too for some extra support! I find when we have support or feel part of a community of people who understand, it makes healing just a little bit easier!
So ... I have been really excited to become a part of it! Craig is also running some get your life back Accountability Support Groups for the guys. Many people can't afford the cost of individual coaching but working with a team of other men (8 max on each team) gets them the motivation, support, tools and a network of other guys that can support each other. It's MUCH cheaper so if your hubby is concerned with the cost of getting the right help this is a great option. And we all know ... getting the right help is so important to healing ... especially for us ladies!! Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know about this stuff.
Share this with your hubby if he needs some Motivation, Inspiration or just need something to help them get on the right track toward recovery and healing!
I know this post has been all about me ... all about what we are doing ... all about his great opportunity ... but I am REALLY proud of the place where Craig and I are at today. It's amazing to think of where we were and the journey we took to get where we are now. We have worked SO VERY hard ... we worked through tears, fights, craziness, insanity, betrayal, hurt (should I continue???) ... and came out truly different people, truly happy and connected people and so excited about the next chapter of our lives! If feels GREAT to know that our story and our help has given others hope and sometimes that is just what we need to make it through each day!
Congratulations to both of you. That's wonderful that you've taken such a painful experience and turned it into the chance to help others through.
ReplyDeleteElle
Thanks my friend!!! It's really awesome!!!! How are you doing???
DeleteI found out over a year ago that my husband is a sex addict. It all started with porn and then escalated to strip clubs/escort. It's like your road kill and splattered all over the road. We've come along way since then, with him seeing a sex addiction therapist who we really like. This whole thing has changed my life and I've learned so much and will try to share. The most important thing is HONESTY, TRANSPARENCY, and EMPATHY on the part of the cheating spouse. He must come completely honest from now on and come clean with everything. As far as him getting empathy as what you going through, this is tough. Make sure he sees you crying, ask him if you were doing the same thing with other men, would it be okay with him. And last but not least, ask him if you were divorce, can you use him as a reference when you start dating other men. I truly believe in tough love to get through. Boy does it work.
DeleteI wanted to know what your husband does to stop his oogling of other women? This is very hard on me and the biggest hurdle. It's so disrespectful.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteAnonymous, it hurts when the person you care about oogles. It's a habit though and it can be broken. Craig wrote a blog about it on Feed the Right Wolf. It's an issue he deals with all the time with his clients and of course he dealt with it himself. Read it and let me know what you think.
DeleteLove your blog! We provide drug addiction and alcohol rehab in Surrey and I've found your article to be really helpful, thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi there. I've just found this blog. I found out just over 4 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair, and several days later I found out he has been a sex addict for the entire length of our relationship (15 years - we've been married for 10). We have separated while he gets the help he needs (he's seeing a psychotherapist and going to SA meetings). He is determined to get better, but even up until yesterday, he was still lying about things. I feel like there's no future for us until he stops lying, and there's no chance of rebuilding trust. We have a 9 month old baby, and I'm really angry that I've discovered this at such a vulnerable time in my life. I'm determined to have a positive future. I'm a very strong person. But I feel so, so sad that my best friend has been deceiving me for so long. I have no idea why he married me if he'd been seeing prostitutes before we got engaged? Surely he knew there was a problem? Sorry for pouring out my story ... but it's good to find that there are other people out there who have been through the same thing.
ReplyDeleteHi Anna!!!! I want to say THANK YOU for reaching out here .... what you are going through is sooooo hard and I want to say sorry! AND, give you a great BIG HUG!!!!!! You need it!!!
DeleteOK .. first, don't be sorry for pouring out your story!!!!! THis is why I started my blog and why I got into coaching women and couples ... because we need to be heard, understood and supported. And it is very hard for someone to "get it" unless they have been through it ... so please continue to share here, with me. There are so many other women who find comfort and support in the writing of others ... so please, share away!!!!
Next, I can totally connect with EVERYTHING that you said here ... kind of similar to us in a way. And remember, this has nothing to do with you or his love for you ... although it totally feels like that - actually how can we feel any other way? .... but what it does have to do with is his inability to connect, truly love, and him not having any idea how to cope with the craziness of life. They get married because they love us, want all of those things ... but just can't do it. So, they lead these double lives .... until it all comes to a crashing halt! And it is devastating!!!!
So ... can there be a future for you ... a future full of love, respect and trust??? YES!!! There absolutely can! Now, it's a journey and it doesn't come over night ... but if he can commit to healing and "WAKING UP" (as my hubby says) he can start embracing his power of choice and start creating a happy and healthy life! You can work together to build back trust, intimacy and connection .... if you guys do the work. It is scary and it sucks and sometimes it doesn't go the way we want it to go ... and sometimes it feels like things will NEVER move forward, but Craig and I are proof that things can change in AMAZING ways.
You sound pretty AWESOME .... and very strong ... and that is a great place to start. It is important for you as well to get support and help for the trauma that you are going through. Yes, it is trauma ... finding out your hubby has been lying for 10 years. It's not easy to move forward but YOU CAN. It's very important for you to create your boundaries and begin communicating and him telling the TRUTH! I agree ... that is where it begins!
BIG HUGS again to you!!!! Have you listened to our podcast? http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction My hubby , who also coaches men struggling with this issue, an I do the podcast together. Our focus is more for the couple and helping the guy kind of connect with healing, making changes and understanding what his partner is going through. AND ... I like to empower my ladies to find their voice and their awesomeness!!!! Some couples like to listen to it together because Craig and I are very real in the things we say!!!
Anyway, good luck my dear!!!!!! HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! And keep reaching out .... writing is very helpful during this time. It helps to sort out your feelings!
Thanks so much for your response and your inspiring story. I am determined to be a survivor whatever happens - I'm not interested in being a 'co-dependent' or in thinking that I'm not worthy of a faithful and loving partner (of course I feel like that sometimes, but I don't want to go down that track). There is so much to process right now and so many things I'm struggling to understand. How can I ever trust him in the future if he's been lying to me this whole time? What upsets me the most is the lies since I first discovered he was cheating. He says it's driven by a desire to limit the hurt for me, but it has the opposite effect. He has said SO many times "this is all there is, there's no more, I'm not lying anymore" that it just means nothing anymore.
DeleteSome days I feel like that's it, I'm done, and other days I think it's worth giving it a go ... I guess that's normal.
All I can say is that this better be the worst time of my life, because I can't imagine anything much worse than this!
I'll listen to your podcast - thanks :)
I was NEVER interested in being "co-dependant" either .. actually I really don't like that term anyway!!! No matter what, it is important for us to know that we will survive with or without them ... and it is OK to give it some time for you to figure that out! The flip-flop on how you are feeling (about staying or going) is SOOO normal. Your emotions are going to be all over the place. ... good days and bad days!!!
DeleteHow can you trust again??? Well it absolutely CAN happen BUT it is up to him to prove that trust and honesty to you ... that happens through supporting you with your pain and woundedness and not making healing all about him. Figuring out how that trust looks to you and being able to communicate what you need to each other. Communication is probably the most important thing that you can do through this.
So ... yes, their words mean NOTHING anymore. Actions speak louder than words .. but he can SHOW you and support you right now. Just communicate what you are feeling in a way where you use I language and not YOU language. They are much more receptive to that!!!
Ok ... BIG HUGS!!!!!!
Hi Anna,
ReplyDeleteA year ago I went through a very similar experience to you. In fact it could have been me writing your piece! With an enormous amount of help from Mishka and Craig my husband and I are in a really good place right now. Good luck - you're not alone xx