You told me she was ready to be a mom ....
You wanted to live in a house together but date other people .....
You said you had sex with her and it was the most incredible experience of your life ....
You said you never really loved me .....
You also said to "Put it in the Grandpa Room" ......
What???!!! First of all what is a Grandpa Room? .... And what am I even putting there? OK - it was that last statement that brought me to the realization that he was actually INSANE! All of the other things he said hurt ... and the hurt still runs deep .... but once he told me to put it in the Grandpa Room, I realized what an insane place his mind was in. He wasn't even on planet earth, actually he was somewhere in a galaxy far, far away (Star Wars anyone????).
He said those things in bits and pieces .... they stung then and they still sting now. Even though I know those things were said without reality being a part of his world, and it was really the compulsion talking .... they were still said. And it still sucks!
Ironically, the depth of Ed's insanity helps to make the situation easier to accept .... and easier to heal, for me at least. There was absolutely no reality in where he was. He has to come to terms with what has happened as a result of his horrifically poor choices and I must come to terms with the fact that he doesn't truly believe those things that he said. Now, that he has returned to Earth we often joke about it. Every now and again one of us will tell the other to "Put it in the Grandpa Room" ..... and we stop, laugh, sometimes cry, and we stay in that moment and are completely happy that I am not sending him to the "Grandpa Room" ..... at least not today!!! :)
The Grandpa Room? I laughing so hard. There's a few things I'd like to add to the Grandpa Room.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh today. i needed it
LOL ..... at the time it wasn't funny though! The drugs and insanity were ruling his brain. But looking back it really does make us laugh, VERY HARD!!!! .... I wish I wrote down and remembered more. There were a few other ridiculous 1 liners!
DeleteSo glad you laughed ... that was my goal!!!!!
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ReplyDeleteI don't even get it. What did he mean?
ReplyDeleteHey ... we still have no idea what he meant, so I don't know and he doesn't even remember (although, I like to remind him from time to time .... lol )
DeleteThat was the time that he was really out of control and he was using some drugs to "block" the "pain" inside. So, we had gone camping and it was probably the lowest time he had because of whatever drug he was on. He was out of his mind and has NO IDEA what he was saying. And he said some pretty shitty things to me. So, really those words are there for me to remind me of where his brain was at and that his mind was insane! Any horrible thing he said .... although it still hurts and sucks to remember ..... must be taken with a grain of salt because of where his mind was at.
If you have any ideas thoughts on what a Grandpa room could be I'd love to know!!!! LOL
Thanks for reading my friend!!!!
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ReplyDeleteOh, I understand this "insanity" so well! I feel like your words are my words, and "his" words are my ex husband's words. Sadly, mine never figured it out...
ReplyDeleteThat sucks .... I'm sorry! It is so much easier to deal with when they can understand their own insanity and have compassion for you while moving forward.
DeleteI hope you have healed from the "trauma" of it all ........
I hope this doesn't come off as too invasive or just plain rude, but if you weren't married would you still try to work through it? The positive aspects of my relationship are amazing and abundant, but the discovery of the sex addiction has completely destroyed my belief that those aspects ever existed. We have only been together for four years...and using the word only makes me feel like I am invalidating the time we spent... Anyway,we are both in therapy. I just don't know if I am willing to risk it anymore.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being brave, it has made me feel like I am not defective, more importantly that I'm not alone.
-E
Thanks for sharing E. It's so hard, I know! And it is not rude ... I love your honesty and that is what I want .... people to feel so comfortable with me that you can ask me anything! We are all in this together!!! You actually inspired me to write a blog post on this topic, check it out. I do get this question quite a bit .... so, you are not alone!!!!! I also ask myself these same questions at times!!!!
DeleteThis is probably the hardest question for me to answer. The answer is "I DON"T KNOW". I am so sorry for that honey... but it is the truth.
First it depends on how committed he is to therapy. If it is a 100% commitment to himself, you and the relationship than you guys can have an amazing life. Here is the problem though .... some guys get help but hang on to a little piece of the sex addiction (they may not even realize it) or don't finish the work they need to .... and that's when the problem can resurface. That's what happened with Ed. It's different now but it has been many years.
I think it also depends on what the acting out behaviors are (or were)? The reason I say this is for me the acting out behaviors with Ed were prostitutes and that presents a health issue for me, When it resurfaced he wasn't careful a few times and (he is fine) but while in his bender he could have put my health at risk.
How did you find out? Was he caught or did he come to you?
DO NOT doubt the happy times in your life. The good times were real so please know that! Your time has not been wasted and I always say that we are where we need to be in the moment we need to be in! You are SO NOT DEFECTIVE ... actually anyone that stands by their man after a betrayal like this is incredible!!!! And I am sending out BIG HUGS TO YOU for that.
Just remember to take care of yourself ... you deserve it and you are not alone!
He didn't tell me, I found out on my own--I looked through his phone. Can you believe he didn't even erase the evidence? Numbers, emails(with his REAL name attached!! come on!?), websites. The initial surge of emotions (mostly disbelief) left me questioning if he would have ever told me. I'm beginning to see that it doesn't matter. He has told me that he is not ready to be completely honest with me about the extent of his actions, he said he is working on accepting some of the dark truths about his actions, but every day he is coming clean with more and more. It's like watching a train wreck, I should look away, but I just can't. There is this insatiable desire within me to know everything, maybe I think it will make me understand... it won't. The last couple of weeks have taught me that I cannot get caught up in the minor details--I'm highly imaginative and it doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteThe acting out behaviors? Hmmm, this part is particularly rough for me. I found that he had been contacting escorts (mostly transexuals, yup) via personal ads... all of the emails ended prematurely without any meet up spots or numbers attached. He 'says' that it was just the rush that fed his addiction and he didn't typically act out.I'm sure that will change with him opening up more and more. What bothers me most is that he was texting/emailing/calling these prostitutes in the midst of texting me that he loves me. Those are the tiny betrayals that is making it so devastating.
As for standing by my man? I feel more like I am limping beside him.
Oh sweetie .... this sucks, huh? Your story seems similar to mine except ED did act out with Trannsexuals. He also had a real affair with one. He has so much childhood trauma (that could be it's own 10 part miniseries) that he thought he might be gay - since he didn't want to have sex with me - and that was how he justified the insanity in his head. But then he felt so guilty and horrific that he started using drugs too and went off the deep end! Good times!!! LOL
DeleteSo, for me knowing the details helps .... because then I feel there are no more lies. I can handle the truth but I CAN"T handle lying. But I understand ... the details can feel like he is punching you right in the gut. If it doesn't help than don't ask the details ..... they hurt so bad!!!! Ed and I have come to a point where we actually joke about it sometimes ... that helps and believe it or not, brings us closer together.
Ed has told me that he sometimes would leave his computer on or not erase messages b/c deep down, on a subconscious level, he wanted to get caught. And it is so exhausting for them to keep up the lying that they want it to stop but don't have the courage to stop themselves.
I know it is so hard knowing that he did those things while telling you that he loves you. A sex addict is truly able to compartmentalize their 2 worlds. His sex addiction DOES NOT mean that he doesn't love you. His compulsive sex is way different than his relationship with you. We can't understand how the 2 can be separate but it can be for them. In their minds it is .... now, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to stay with that.
Yes, limping beside him is a great way to put it!!! I stood by my man the first time and this last time I think I actually was in my wheelchair dragging him beside me!!!! Ed just told me to tell you that I should have run him over .... see, the joking again!!!
Did he suffer any childhood traumas? Are you in any therapy or support groups now?
You are so brave to share what you are going through with me! I hope you continue sharing ....
Stay strong and I am ALWAYS here if you need to vent, bitch or a shoulder to cry on!!!! Feel free to email me at mishkas.life@gmail.com if you ever need to chat!!!!
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ReplyDeleteThanks for being so gracious. Today sucks...yesterday wasn't so bad. I can't figure out of I am staying or going and I just want to know. My bf is irritable and immersed in his own recovery--which I'm grateful for--BUT it's like I'm living with a stranger. He doesn't connect with me much and says he's focusing on not losing it all and trying to stay sober right now. I don't know--the what ifs are killing me. Therapy isn't really helping me much. I think I should try group counseling or something. The hardest part is letting go of the dream of the future we were going to have. The loneliness is unbearable...luckily, I know each day is preparing me more for the work I'll have to put it to make this work--with or without him.
ReplyDeletePS
I can't help but think about my own sexuality. Is it selfish that I can't help but let sex influence my decision. There is a huge part of me that wants to be wanted(so desperately) and have no clue if I will ever feel like I, me, alone, as I am, is ENOUGH!
Hey ... I completely hear ya on "our sexuality" stuff. I have been there for many years ... very frustrated. I personally think that is what drove his second breakdown. As I approached my mid 30's my sex drive and my desperately (your words feel like they come from me) wanting to be wanted became too much for him. I don't do well with "whatever" so I KNOW I put pressure on him. That is great for me standing up for myself ... but it pushed him away. The more I pushed ... well, we know what happened there! I've just gotten to a point that I can't take it anymore ... so I get that completely!!!!!! Ed, knows that I need it and deserve it ... right now, we are working on that and doing much better. Small steps but he is focusing on at least giving me the physical attention that I crave. Not as much sexual (yet) but very physical .... it has been really nice!
DeleteOMG .... I totally get how they are sooo into themselves early on in recovery. How long has it been? Ed went through that too .... it is all about them at the beginning. IF he is doing the work, that selfishness does decrease with time. Now, I can say that life is about both of us ... and both of us equally. It did take a while to get there though ...
Are you guys at a therapy place that can work with you both? THat was so imp for us .... I think that is what helped me the most. We each have our own work but we also are supported together. I personally think that UNITY for couple in the recovery process is crucial. The first time (10 years ago) I wasn't included (only to provide support) and Ed's recovery and connection with what I have gone through is so much deeper this time, that has made his recovery much more impactful .... which is why I am still in this relationship!
I understand the "loneliness" all too well .... my heart goes out to you, it is just so damn hard! Remember that if he is in recovery he will hopefully begin to move forward and start focusing on the relationship and you as well as himself. It takes time (I know sweetie that the time seems to be at a standstill .... ) I think you are doing all the right things and working on yourself is the MOST IMPORTANT right now. You do not need to make any decisions on your relationship right now ... but by working on yourself you will be able to find the strength to either find happiness with your decision to stay or find the courage to leave. Either way ... you will survive and be happy!
In the end ... you will grow and that growth can bring out amazing potential in you! Never forget that you are fabulous and not to let someone else's insanity define you!!!
Hey ... Ed and I are starting a group for healing for the sex addict and their partners. We have been through so much and we KNOW that so much support is needed in this community. Are you interested? What would you like to see for support ... or what do you think is needed for support? We want to bring a NON CODEPENDENT / NON 12 STEP support to those spouses, couples and addicts who want to heal with another perspective. 12 step is wonderful but it just didn't do it for us. Anyway, let me know what you think!
Hey, feel free to email me at mishkas.life@gmail.com ...... anytime!!!! I am here! Hang in there .....