Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Part 2

Wow, I haven't written anything in a LONG time!  It is amazing how the craziness of life, work and family creeps up on you and before you know it over 2 months have gone by without a single word from me!!!  I truly must stand up and give a HUGE applause & hug to all of the fabulous women out there who blog ALL THE TIME.  I just don't know how you do it!!!  I really am impressed and I just want to say that before I move forward with my verbal diarrhea!!!!

One issue that I have been seeing with many of the women that I work with in my coaching practice at Compulsion Solutions is around the idea of compartmentalizing. Both people see that concept VERY differently.  Many men see the compartmentalizing as that their minds were shut off and the acting out didn't mean anything to them ... it was just a physical thing, it wasn't really them - it was Mr. Hyde, not Dr. Jeckyl. But to us, to the partner, it sure meant something! It's a profound betrayal.  Ed & I actually did a podcast where we talk about that concept of the 2 sides .....   Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Sex Addiction.

I do understand how they "compartmentalize" their behaviors (that is how our addict hubby's are able to do what they do), and it is true to an extent, but it doesn't make us feel any better in the moment.  Those words don't comfort the wounds that are within us and in fact many men try to justify their behaviors that way ... and at times it can make us feel worse ... many women say it's like their whole life was a lie! To the guy, it was a different side to them .... but we don't think like that .... the addiction doesn't make sense to us so that doesn't make sense to us either. 

Can 2 Steps Back Be A Gift ??

Do you ever feel like recovery with your spouse is going ok, you are in a place that you can handle and things are looking way better only to be surprised when all of a sudden the two of you have taken 2 steps back?!!  This really sucks and I KNOW that we all have been there.

This is so true about most of life, with your relationship, with your job, with exercising, with friendships ... whatever!  Steps back frustrate us, make us want to quit, make us feel like all is hopeless!  It's as if those steps back put us right where we started and what was the use of all that work that we just did anyway?  In fact, it is the point where most of us WANT to quit .... and sadly it is also the point where many people DO give up!

LET IT BE .... Recovering From The Effects Of Ed's Sex Addiction

It is so tempting to stand on the rooftop and scream "My husband is a Sex Addict everyone!  He cheated, he lied, he ignored ... but please don't judge us, we are doing the best we can!" 

The reality is we don't and certainly can't do that.  Society for the most part judges our spouses for being douche bags and judges us for staying with such assholes.  We are forced to put on happy faces and pretend like everything is normal .... 


It is so hard pretending that your life is "normal", that your life isn't about to implode any second, especially in public.  That is a really challenging part of navigating on this path of recovery.  If you are getting divorced than maybe it is something you can tell, but not this .... definitely not this! 

Sex Addiction, Insanity & The Grandpa Room ....

You told me she was ready to be a mom ....

You wanted to live in a house together but date other people .....

You said you had sex with her and it was the most incredible experience of your life ....

You said you never really loved me .....

You also said to "Put it in the Grandpa Room" ......

What???!!!  First of all what is a Grandpa Room? .... And what am I even putting there?  OK - it was that last statement that brought me to the realization that he was actually INSANE!  All of the other things he said hurt ... and the hurt still runs deep ....  but once he told me to put it in the Grandpa Room, I realized what an insane place his mind was in.  He wasn't even on planet earth, actually he was somewhere in a galaxy far, far away (Star Wars anyone????). 

Triggers . . .

As Ed and I move forward together I find that I can get triggered by something (his actions, his words or even a place) that reminds me of those bad times.  It's like I am brought right back into that moment of craziness, sadness and feelings of betrayal that I had during the "rough times".  These triggers of "insanity" as I like to call them, can be so subtle that I don't even realize why I am feeling so emotional, angry or maybe even resentful.  Or the triggers can be so blazingly obvious that I actually find it hard to breathe!

So, here is an example of something that triggers me all the time . . . ok - there is this path by my house.  It is a great path, a relaxing path where my kids and I ride bikes and take walks.  I LOVE that path!  Well, so does Ed.  When Ed's addiction was starting to crumble and he began to see that life couldn't continue his way, he walked on the path a lot.  He agreed to stay home this particular weekend but that was sooo hard for him at that point.  He was actually withdrawing from his "drug" . . . SEX.