Sex addiction memories suck ... today RULES!

It's amazing when you reflect back on your life the feelings that it can create.  I often look back on my college years and I think of how much incredible fun we had ... or I think back to my childhood and I am brought back to my life as a hard core athlete (man, where did that athlete go???) ... I also reflect on our early days of marriage and the kids and again I think of all fantastic times.   It's interesting how I conveniently forget the struggles and craziness that has been part of our crazy life with sex addiction!

Being a positive person is my thing, my brain is just naturally wired that way.  I'm not sure why but I was born an optimist, I have always made people laugh and I can see the positive in ANY situation.  The glass is usually half full in my world .... which is a great way to live, an inspiring way to live actually.  Especially in the world that I live in,  this method of mindfulness has been so important for my day to day survival.



So, it is interesting to me when I am forced to confront certain strong memories.  Ed and I were interviewed by someone who reports on sex addiction and it's effects.  She is totally amazed at our story and how we are still together and happier than we have been in a very long time.  So, we happily said we would tell our whole story ... we were really excited actually to tell our story TOGETHER!  

Once I started talking I couldn't believe how HARD it was!  I often tell my story in bits and pieces ... a little here, a little there ... but I started telling it from the beginning.  And the questions she asked really got to me.  Why did you stay? or How did you cope? were recurrent questions and I just kept thinking that I was just so young and truly naive to the traumas of sex addiction.  Listening to the story as an outsider gave me a pit in my stomach .....

It hurt to hear about the man who struggled day to day and it hurt to relive the experiences that I went through then.  Thinking about those lonely nights when I slept alone or remembering the pain of hearing about the affair he had 10 years ago but supporting him through his recovery was a little too much too absorb.  Back then I took good care of Ed and I didn't take care of myself the way I do now.  I was struggling with the feelings for my younger self.  I looked over at Ed and he was struggling with tears as to what he actually did, the pain that was caused by him and just thinking how many years of our lives have been affected by his compulsion.  

Wow!  That was more than we had expected.  Strong emotions ran through me the next day and it was a tough day.  I was overwhelmed with life, overwhelmed with the effects of what we are dealing with since his "bender", overwhelmed with our "lack" of money right now and so overwhelmed with the future.  But then a radio commercial came on the radio.  It talked about the Hunger Games Movie opening in 2 weeks (if you haven't already read the book - you totally should before seeing the movie - it is AWESOME!).  And I realized how lucky I am to have Ed the way he is now and a man who is probably as excited as I am to go to the midnight premiere of one of my favorite books "The Hunger Games".  That is awesome and I feel really lucky.  Ed is what I need right now .... and Ed is what I want right now.

For me, life is about holding onto the good memories!  I love to remember the awesome cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee that I used to have every day (a painfully missed east coast thing - omg, I miss it way too much).... and the amazing times in college with Ed & my friends that still make me laugh so hard I practically pee my pants .... the times Ed, me & our kids went on vacations .... or the year that we watched High School Musical every Friday night for movie night for our kids but really because we both loved it .... these are the things that I choose to focus on.  These are the things that continue to make me smile today!