Just Chill . . . .

So, I am going to have to change my hubby's name for my blog because"A" just gets confusing during my writing.  So, I am changing him to Ed, short for Edward . . . my vampire soulmate!  I am a Twilight junkie (please don't judge me!) and as I told you before, I obviously have a thing for the poor and tortured soul.  So, my hubby will be Ed  . . . I love it!!!!!


I want to start really sharing some of the things that have happened during my marriage . . . the really painful and sometimes kind of funny stories of our crazy life.  Sometimes life was awful, sometimes life was fantastic and sometimes life just hummed along.  Although I wish that we didn't have to go through the really tough times, those experience are all part of me.  I have learned to open myself up and really feel the good and really feel the bad.  It feels so wonderful to not run from those bad feelings.  For me, if I open up and own those feelings they become so much easier to bear.    


As I sit here writing tonight and thinking about the bad times, I didn't realize how raw the pain still is . . . how it still suffocates me as I am writing this. . . . just thinking about how alone I felt during those times can bring me to my knees .  Wow, those feelings are so powerful .... but I know that I wouldn't be able to move on toward a wonderful life with Ed if I weren't able to feel them as deeply as I do.



I remember one night about 4 months ago when reality was really setting in that something was seriously wrong.  Ed hadn't really come home for months, except to change for work, and the kids were starting to really feel the effects of "insane daddy".  I had gone to see a therapist because I was so anxious that my legs were starting to go numb (that's just wonderful huh?).  I have never been one to take medication (I am not sure why but I hate taking even an Advil if I don't need to) but I needed something to function.  So, for some strange reason the anti-anxiety pill made me REALLY anxious.  I know, weird!  Anyway, as I was sitting there anxious as hell, all I could do was call Ed over and over again.  I couldn't find him and surely I knew he wasn't at work.


He finally answered his phone and I was so relieved that he was alive.  All I needed in that moment was to feel Ed's arms around me . .  telling me that he loved me . .. assuring me that it was all going to be ok . . . and I would have believed him right then.  I NEEDED to believe that in that moment.   But he couldn't give me anything close to what I needed and his mind surely wasn't anywhere near planet earth.  I remember he told me to "just chill". . . . (thanks for your awesome support Ed).  Then he hung up because he obviously couldn't deal with me when he was with "who the hell knows who" . . .  (wait - I do know who - but that is another story for another day).  That was a huge slap in the face for me.  He had never done that before, where he didn't even care about me.  Even though he hadn't been "there" for months, I truly realized in that moment that it was all me now.  I had to travel this path alone and I was terrified.