I can't stop thinking about how I felt a few days ago when we were all laying in bed laughing, playing and just hanging out together. The kids were so happy, "A" was so happy and I was just so happy. Sorry to sound cliche . . . . but I really feel that this holiday I gave my kids the greatest present I could have ever given them. I helped to save their daddy!
And that is wonderful . . . seriously, the best Christmas ever! But it was interesting how thinking of WHY we are extra happy this season made us remember the WHY we are feeling this way in the first place. That was a little harder than I thought it would be. I noticed that A and I were both somewhat affected by that during these past few days. He felt almost sick to his stomach thinking of what happened and how he could have been alone right now. And I couldn't help thinking of how sucky those days were! That was definitely a major buzz kill for a few moments!!
I think it is just something that "A" and I need to be aware of. Being aware is crucial for recovery. If we are aware then we can stop triggers from being nothing more than feelings. It was nice that we were able be honest and talk about how we felt, instead of ignoring it. We both felt supported with those negative feelings, were quickly able to move on from them and enjoy most of the holidays without it bringing us down.
We really had a great holiday this year. I don't know what is going to be 2, 5 or even 10 years from now. I do know however, that all I have is right now. Today . . . The present. I really have been trying to live in the present and not predict what may or may not happen in the future. It really helps me and my family enjoy the time we have together now! And that is really all that we have!
How were your holidays????
Starting next week (the new year) I am going to start really laying out everything that has happened in our lives! Hopefully it will help others in one of two ways . . .. either you are going to say:
"Wow someone else has been through sex addiction that bad too, thankfully I am not alone!"
. . . OR . . .
"Thank goodness my spouse wasn't that bad!"
Either way I figure my story will be able to help someone! LOL!!!!
Have a Happy and Safe New Year!!!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the honesty, but mostly the hope. My bf and I have both started recovery since the discovery his sex addiction and I've felt like my/our(who knows at this point) future was bleak. I'm learning that I can enjoy good moments that are true without worrying about if it will last forever.
ReplyDeleteThank you too!!!! There truly is hope .... just make sure you take care of yourself and your needs throughout this journey! In the past it was mostly about my hubby but this time it is about BOTH of us, that has made all the difference! We truly are closer and more connected than we have ever been ... AND I try to make sure that I have learned and am more aware if it were to ever happen again. Awareness is power my friend!
DeleteKeep up the awesome work, the awesome attitude .... and just just trust that your instincts will know what is right! AND as you know .... enjoy the moment! It's all we really have anyway!
I write this blog to give others hope & tools to deal ... so THANK YOU for letting me know! Comments like yours means the world to me!
I've just started to read your blog and I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time and effort to write. I discovered on Christmas Eve 2011 that my husband of 10 years had been hiding his secret, addicted self from me the whole time I have known him. To say I was shocked was an understatement, somehow I held it together and did not leave. After finding a counsellor who specialises in this kind of work, I met with her and asked for guidance on how I should deal with this. I fronted it out with my husband about a month after finding out and for a while things improved. He admitted he had an addiction and even had a few sessions with the counsellor.
ReplyDeleteWell just a month ago - he's rediscovered his addicted self . . . the pain is unbelievable. He's assuming I don't know . . . and the cycle begins again.
I've asked him to go to see a counsellor together - but at the moment he is "point-blank" refusing . . . I'm not sure if our marriage can survive if he's so strongly in denial.
Here's hoping and whilst I deal with the pain and hurt I will really value reading your story how you've overcome this with your husband.
Thank you, thank you, thank you
WOW ... you need a GREAT, BIG, HUGE, GINORMOUS HUG!!! I am so sorry that you are in this place ... when are men are in denial it is sooo heartbreaking! I'm sure you know ... you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink!!! Let's face it .. if he is in denial there is not much we can do! An ... I agree, if he wont do anything to change what is going on .. especially when he can't see how it is affecting you ... then the relationship doesn't have very much of a chance. And I'm sorry about that!
DeleteNow ... I love that you are reading my story .. well, our story ... and proof that you can survive from this bullshit ... not only survive but heal in ways that brings you closer together in a much more intimate and connected way! It can be amazing ... BUT, how do we get him motivated to change???? But it really all boils down to one word ..... "CHOICE". He has to make the choice, he has to embrace his power of choice .. and realize that he always had a choice!
Maybe you can approach it from a point of you aren't happy with things right now and want to start learning to communicate better and not from a place of you are an addict and it's awful? I'm just throwing out ideas for you .. these men are very defensive and they get very angry when pushed ... as I'm sure you know all too well!
Also ... my hubby, Craig and I have become Life Coaches to help people heal from the devastation of all of this and help them really embrace their lives and create their happiness. Craig is really motivating and men really connect with him because as you have read here on my blog ... he has gone through it all .... and knows exactly where your husband is coming from. Maybe you can give your hubby Craig's email ... he is VERY motivating and not only helps guys with their sex / porn addiction but also helps guys find the kick ass life that they want ... he does this with motivation, life planning and coaching them to make good choices for themselves and their relationship. SO ... maybe you can approach it that way ... and not focus on the addiction. Anyway, you can check out his bio here ... http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/coaching/
Ok ... my dear! I wish I could be more help!!! But, here is Craig's email if you want it .. craig@feedtherightwolf.org You can also check out our podcast that Craig and I do together http://www.spreaker.com/user/sexaddiction . Some guys really connect with Craig there and maybe that will help!!!! We can tend to be real and a bit funny on there too so many couple's enjoy listening to it together!
Make sure you take care of yourself during this crazy time and get the help or support that you need. Are you seeing someone right now to help you deal? Don't lose the amazingness that you have inside .... nobody can take that away from you!!!! BIG HUG TO YOU AGAIN!!!!
Hey there, I just recently stumbled upon your blog. I found out about my husband's addiction right after we got engaged in 2010. We've since been married 3 and a half years. His addiction led to an affair this past summer. (While I was 9 months pregnant with our second child and living with my parents because he was about to leave on a short term deployment) I joined up with him the week before Thanksgiving, after a 20 hour drive with two kids under 2 and my MIL. I found love letters from his affair partner a few days after we were back together. She had no idea he had a family!! And then I found messages and call records on his phone from 6 other girls the day before Thanksgiving... I was devastated. I'm back with my parents now. My husband and I plan on going to counseling while he's visiting. Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience. I plan on reading through your story in the coming days.
ReplyDelete