Ask Mishka About YOUR Spouse's Sex Addiction ...

Many women email me during the earlier stages of discovery / recovery of their spouse's sex addiction and just need some guidance from others who have SURVIVED the insanity of it all.  Today I want to answer some really common questions that I get from women, women who are lost, confused, scared and truly are just trying to keep it together one day at a time.  

I remember that time so clearly, just making it until dinner time was a chore for me.  The uncertainty of our future, keeping it together for the kids, putting a smile on my face when I was out in public and trying to make sense of the reality that was now my life was almost too much to bear!!  But I did bear it … we all survive … and it helps to reach out for support from the blogging world, there is so much support to be found here and I just want to say a big Thank You to all the awesome women who share their stories … we can all learn so much from each other!!!!!  

Ok - now on to the Ask Mishka Post!!!!  

Q.   I feel "Stupid" that I didn't know my spouse was acting out sexually.  My whole  relationship feels like one BIG LIE.   HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT????

A.  Let me ask myself that …. Was I that stupid?  I'm sure many people think so ….I used to think so too but now I KNOW I wasn't.  The fact is that part of our lives with our spouses was great.  We both fell in love for a reason and there are parts of Ed's personality that is exactly what I want in a life partner (some of his other traits I can really live without … obviously!)  We have had our wonderful times and our terrible times.  But to the addict they are able to compartmentalize the 2 sides of their lives … it's a little bit insane if you ask me, but that is the unhealthy coping that they have developed over so many years.  

NOW, that doesn't make any of it ok, excuse the horrificness of the acting out, or ease the pain of betrayal one bit.  But it is important to come to terms with the reality of what has been happening without feeling like your whole life was a lie or a waste.  That is a natural emotional state to go through but not one you should get stuck in!  

Q.  I found out that my husband is a sex addict and I am not sure if I should stay and try to work it out or if I should RUN as fast as I can for the door.  I want to try to work it out but I am so angry.  Am I stupid for not leaving?

A.  I gave Ed a chance to turn his life around and be the incredible person I know he can be ... for me and the kids.  But he had to earn it and work for it ... we both did.  And if he didn't do the incredibly hard work … well, then I would have left him and survived on my own two feet!  We spouses are anything but stupid ... if you ask me most of us are loving, caring, compassionate, and a little bit awesome!  If loving Ed so much and wanting to do what I can to save my family is stupid ... well, then I accept that!  

I think it takes a special, fabulous person to not run away immediately and try to save your family.  I gave him a chance to change, truly and whole heartedly change (not a half ass attempt to stop by still clinging on a tiny bit to the rush of it all - a real I CHANGED MY LIFE)…. and if he didn't work hard enough, or I just couldn't move forward over time.... well, then at least I would have known I tried!  Anyone should have respect for that! I DO!

AND ... When you are officially done, you'll know it .... and if you aren't sure what you should do  then I think it is good not to make any decision at all.  Life can't go on the way it was .... he has a choice and is now being given an opportunity to learn tools to actually help both of your lives.  Neither one of you have had those tools before.  You have a different awareness now and that is empowering … change can happen and it is OK to give your relationship a chance to be what you want.  And if it doesn't work out, you tried and YOU have learned a great deal about yourself along the way ... and that is never a bad thing!

Q.  I have so many intense emotions, I am angry, scared, overwhelmed but he can only focus on himself in recovery, should I keep my emotions to myself?  My emotions make me feel pathetic, how do I get over that?

A.  Although recovery is about him .. it's really about both of you.  You are going through it together and although he is wrapped up in his emotional wounds you have some severe wounds that are equal to his.  

Letting yourself feel all of your emotions (the good, the bad and the ugly), allowing your mind to accept it helps to wake you up.  This is empowering, not pathetic!  It is because deeply feeling your feelings allows you to see the truth and it prepares you to watch out for YOU this time around!  This is an incredible thing!

You are ALLOWED all the crazy emotions that you have.  The anger, fear, sadness, and whatever else you have. He NEEDS to see your pain, understand the effect that his actions had on you, be able to empathize with what you are going through ... understand that his actions are INFIDELITY ... he did terrible things and it hurts you, soooo bad!  It is NATURAL and NORMAL to show your emotions, it is OK!  Just make sure you express them with keeping to how YOU feel, how it feels inside for you ... and don't  shame and blame him.  He is hurting too ... the empathy we have for our spouse's is great .... and they should learn it toward us as well.  

Let's allow and accept our EMOTIONS, LOVE OURSELVES for them, stop trying to numb our pain and run away from it ..... once we can truly feel and love ourselves for our good and bad days ... that is where we can find inner peace and with that comes our HAPPINESS.

I learned to provide support for myself, that is the my most important tool but once Ed was able to support and empathize with MY pain that's when it became an equal partnership.  And I know EVERY woman deserves that!!!!