Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Part 2

Wow, I haven't written anything in a LONG time!  It is amazing how the craziness of life, work and family creeps up on you and before you know it over 2 months have gone by without a single word from me!!!  I truly must stand up and give a HUGE applause & hug to all of the fabulous women out there who blog ALL THE TIME.  I just don't know how you do it!!!  I really am impressed and I just want to say that before I move forward with my verbal diarrhea!!!!

One issue that I have been seeing with many of the women that I work with in my coaching practice at Compulsion Solutions is around the idea of compartmentalizing. Both people see that concept VERY differently.  Many men see the compartmentalizing as that their minds were shut off and the acting out didn't mean anything to them ... it was just a physical thing, it wasn't really them - it was Mr. Hyde, not Dr. Jeckyl. But to us, to the partner, it sure meant something! It's a profound betrayal.  Ed & I actually did a podcast where we talk about that concept of the 2 sides .....   Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Sex Addiction.

I do understand how they "compartmentalize" their behaviors (that is how our addict hubby's are able to do what they do), and it is true to an extent, but it doesn't make us feel any better in the moment.  Those words don't comfort the wounds that are within us and in fact many men try to justify their behaviors that way ... and at times it can make us feel worse ... many women say it's like their whole life was a lie! To the guy, it was a different side to them .... but we don't think like that .... the addiction doesn't make sense to us so that doesn't make sense to us either. 

PART 2 of "To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction"

HELLO, I'm back!  I've been away a little longer than I intended to be but things have been really busy for us this past month!  I feel like I have so much to say in my head but I just can't find time to write it all down!

Life can be insane enough as it is ...  it's no wonder that women practically lose their minds with having to cope with their hubby's sex addiction.  I mean it's emotional and exhausting enough to just stay in the relationship (and fight off the overwhelming desire to chop their hubby's penis's off - LOL).

And then to top it off, like you don't work hard enough at just keeping your sanity ... you have people like me, telling you that in recovery you BOTH have to work on yourselves and your relationship!!!!  That just doesn't sound fair, huh?  Like you have the damn energy for that ... it's his problem right?  You didn't do anything to create this klusterfuck of chaos so he should do most of the work, right?

To answer my own silly questions .... no, it isn't fair!  We didn't ask for this and it is wrong that our suffering has to travel so deep into the core of our soul.  AND, unfortunately sitting back and waiting for him to do his recovery work doesn't help create the life, the intimacy and the relationship that WE want.  We have power too, we have a say and we know what we want.  And what we want is Happiness, Trust, Intimacy and AWESOME SEX!!!!!  

To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction - Part 1

This week I have read a lot of other bloggers write about the “BIG” issue of SEX in sex addiction recovery.  It is so confusing for all of us …. What do you do?  Should you even be having sex?  Should you talk about it?  Will having sex trigger our partner?  The questions in our heads go on and on … and then there is a huge emotional safety thing going on there. Everything is bubbling on the surface so it is a time that needs to be handled with compassion for everyone! I figured I always have a lot to say on many things so I am joining the discussion on the sex in recovery topic.  

I am writing this in 2 parts … Part 1 is my experience during our relationship and Part 2 will be what I have learned through all of this insanity!

Intimacy for Ed and I has ALWAYS been a huge issue.  When we first started dating our sex life was incredible!  I mean crazy, fun do it everywhere crazy!!!  After about a year, the awesome sex died.  Almost like a balloon that has a hole in it … it just begins to fizzle until all of the air is sucked out and then it just flops to the floor.   That is a perfect visual that explains how it went down!!!  It has been a major source of fighting for much of our life but we have always been best friends, which is what kept us together but the sexual connection had been non existent for much of our relationship.