Break Free From Negative Thoughts

I want to take a quick moment and talk about thoughts. Our thoughts ... the thoughts that we can't seem to get out of our head, the thoughts that keep us up at night, the thoughts that seem to control us.

It's truly amazing how much of an impact those thoughts can have on our life and on our happiness. They also have a huge impact on our ability to heal.

You are here because you are trying to deal with the fact that your partner is struggling with a sex addiction &/or porn addiction. Most women that I talk to ask me the same question ...

"How do I manage the thoughts? The thoughts are CONSUMING! I can't sleep at night!" 

Our thoughts are generally tainted by our emotional reactions to what is going on around us ... so our fears, insecurities, traumas and experiences all have an affect on those thoughts. And your body and mind will believe what ever thoughts you put in your head. It's true.

And our thoughts are not always reality. Remember, they are influenced by our emotions. They may reflect a part of your reality BUT there is always more than 1 way to look at a situation.

Let me give you an example, I often hear "My husband has destroyed me, I will never heal from this!" That is a very emotional thought and you may very well connect with that comment ...  (and my heart always feels so much empathy for any woman going through this) ... but the truth is no one can destroy you.

You might go through pain and heartache but you always have the power to HEAL for you! You don't ever have to let someone's horrible choices define you. YOU define you!

Here is another example ... "I am stuck in this marriage because I just can't get out". Again, it may feel that way now but there is always a way out.

People get divorced all the time, you just have to create a plan. There are always solutions, it's just up to you to find those solutions.

And here is 1 more example ... "What kind of weak person would I be if I stayed in this marriage and try to work on this!" That isn't true ... some of us stay and some of us leave. Healing and recovery can happen for some and not for others.

There is nothing weak in trying to keep your family together , just as much as there is nothing weak in saying I have had enough and I want out. There is no one solution to healing from this sex & porn addiction. And it is OK to take time before making any huge decision.

So, you can see how there is more than 1 perspective to many of our thoughts. Especially our negative thoughts. A technique I use with the women who work with me is to CHALLENGE your negative, emotional thoughts.

Ask yourself if there is another perspective that can sit right next to that one. I'm not saying to tell yourself that you are wrong ... just ask yourself: "How else can I perceive this?" ... I guarantee there is another perspective.

So, a technique to managing those thoughts is challenging the reality of your negative thoughts:

• When you have a negative thought that says you can't do something:

Think of why you CAN do that thing.

• When you think of what might go wrong, challenge those negative thoughts:

Think about what CAN go right.

• When you feel the you have been destroyed:

Think of how you might grow through this for YOU.

Plant new seeds for positive thinking and positive living and you'll begin creating more happiness in your life.  Negative thoughts will be there … for all of us …. even positive people. If we try to pull them like a weed it will grow back … we need to learn to crowd out the negative thoughts with positive & reality ones.  

It is important though to accept the negative thought, give it a bit of compassion for even being there, and then bombard it with MANY posititve ones.   Don’t give the negative thought room to breathe or room to grow.  

We are always going to have them to some degree .. it is natural …  but we don’t have to allow them space to live, room to grow … we are saying ok, negative thought you are a part of my mind but YOU ARE NOT me!  

The more you tell yourself positive, awesome thoughts the more you will believe them!

PART 2 of "To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction"

HELLO, I'm back!  I've been away a little longer than I intended to be but things have been really busy for us this past month!  I feel like I have so much to say in my head but I just can't find time to write it all down!

Life can be insane enough as it is ...  it's no wonder that women practically lose their minds with having to cope with their hubby's sex addiction.  I mean it's emotional and exhausting enough to just stay in the relationship (and fight off the overwhelming desire to chop their hubby's penis's off - LOL).

And then to top it off, like you don't work hard enough at just keeping your sanity ... you have people like me, telling you that in recovery you BOTH have to work on yourselves and your relationship!!!!  That just doesn't sound fair, huh?  Like you have the damn energy for that ... it's his problem right?  You didn't do anything to create this klusterfuck of chaos so he should do most of the work, right?

To answer my own silly questions .... no, it isn't fair!  We didn't ask for this and it is wrong that our suffering has to travel so deep into the core of our soul.  AND, unfortunately sitting back and waiting for him to do his recovery work doesn't help create the life, the intimacy and the relationship that WE want.  We have power too, we have a say and we know what we want.  And what we want is Happiness, Trust, Intimacy and AWESOME SEX!!!!!  

My Shame with the movie "SHAME"

Ed & I finally watched the movie "SHAME" last week!  Wow, is all I have to say.  It is a movie about a man and his sex addiction.  I am not sure what I expected but I am still shaken by the emotions that I felt watching it.  I am not sure if I even liked the movie, if you don't understand the world of sex addiction I am not even sure if you would fully comprehend everything that went on ... but what had the biggest impact for me was the loneliness that Michael (the lead character) felt.  It was so intense and so real that it stayed with me for days ... the loneliness was just so heartbreaking.

One Ring to Bind Them . . .

Do you ever hear a line from a movie that speaks right to you?  One that stops you in your tracks when you hear it?  A line of inspiration given in a moment when you need it most?  In that moment you actually believe that the universe might actually be speaking to you?

Yesterday, my hubby and I were watching one of the greatest movies of all time . . .  "Lord of The Rings".  The main character Frodo was feeling lost and confused, unsure as to why he had been giving the HUGE responsibility of destroying the ring (it's an evil ring, a darkness that consumes all that hold it    - hhmmm very interesting, sounds a bit like addiction, huh?) .  Anyway, he had to face challenge after challenge, testing his own strength and fortitude.  In a moment of weakness, a moment when he was feeling sorry for himself that life had dealt him this card, a moment where he felt he could not go on . . . this is what he said:

I wish this ring had never come to me, I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf, the great all knowing and wise wizard replies to him:

So do all who live to see such times but it is not for them to decide.  All you have to decide is what to do with the time that has been given to you.