Break Free From Negative Thoughts

I want to take a quick moment and talk about thoughts. Our thoughts ... the thoughts that we can't seem to get out of our head, the thoughts that keep us up at night, the thoughts that seem to control us.

It's truly amazing how much of an impact those thoughts can have on our life and on our happiness. They also have a huge impact on our ability to heal.

You are here because you are trying to deal with the fact that your partner is struggling with a sex addiction &/or porn addiction. Most women that I talk to ask me the same question ...

"How do I manage the thoughts? The thoughts are CONSUMING! I can't sleep at night!" 

Our thoughts are generally tainted by our emotional reactions to what is going on around us ... so our fears, insecurities, traumas and experiences all have an affect on those thoughts. And your body and mind will believe what ever thoughts you put in your head. It's true.

And our thoughts are not always reality. Remember, they are influenced by our emotions. They may reflect a part of your reality BUT there is always more than 1 way to look at a situation.

Let me give you an example, I often hear "My husband has destroyed me, I will never heal from this!" That is a very emotional thought and you may very well connect with that comment ...  (and my heart always feels so much empathy for any woman going through this) ... but the truth is no one can destroy you.

You might go through pain and heartache but you always have the power to HEAL for you! You don't ever have to let someone's horrible choices define you. YOU define you!

Here is another example ... "I am stuck in this marriage because I just can't get out". Again, it may feel that way now but there is always a way out.

People get divorced all the time, you just have to create a plan. There are always solutions, it's just up to you to find those solutions.

And here is 1 more example ... "What kind of weak person would I be if I stayed in this marriage and try to work on this!" That isn't true ... some of us stay and some of us leave. Healing and recovery can happen for some and not for others.

There is nothing weak in trying to keep your family together , just as much as there is nothing weak in saying I have had enough and I want out. There is no one solution to healing from this sex & porn addiction. And it is OK to take time before making any huge decision.

So, you can see how there is more than 1 perspective to many of our thoughts. Especially our negative thoughts. A technique I use with the women who work with me is to CHALLENGE your negative, emotional thoughts.

Ask yourself if there is another perspective that can sit right next to that one. I'm not saying to tell yourself that you are wrong ... just ask yourself: "How else can I perceive this?" ... I guarantee there is another perspective.

So, a technique to managing those thoughts is challenging the reality of your negative thoughts:

• When you have a negative thought that says you can't do something:

Think of why you CAN do that thing.

• When you think of what might go wrong, challenge those negative thoughts:

Think about what CAN go right.

• When you feel the you have been destroyed:

Think of how you might grow through this for YOU.

Plant new seeds for positive thinking and positive living and you'll begin creating more happiness in your life.  Negative thoughts will be there … for all of us …. even positive people. If we try to pull them like a weed it will grow back … we need to learn to crowd out the negative thoughts with positive & reality ones.  

It is important though to accept the negative thought, give it a bit of compassion for even being there, and then bombard it with MANY posititve ones.   Don’t give the negative thought room to breathe or room to grow.  

We are always going to have them to some degree .. it is natural …  but we don’t have to allow them space to live, room to grow … we are saying ok, negative thought you are a part of my mind but YOU ARE NOT me!  

The more you tell yourself positive, awesome thoughts the more you will believe them!

My Fantasy World . . . Maybe

Ok .... I'm not sure if any of you ever have wondered why I call my hubby Ed?  Or at the start of my blog I called him A, short for Annakin Skywalker.  There is usually a method to my madness in most things that I do .... and creating the "secret" name for my fabulous, annoying, wonderful, douche bag, narcissistic and amazing hubby was definitely intensely thought out!

You can hear Ed and I on our  internet radio show on Spreaker , our latest episode Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Sex Addiction ..... talks about how we came up with Ed's "secret"name and some other fun stuff.  Click here.  It's also really great to hear Ed's perspective too on recovery, what was going on in his mind and how he is finally creating the life he wants ..... a happy life, not a life full of shame and guilt.

But, here are some written thoughts for you on me and my brain ......  I obviously have a thing for the poor, tortured soul ... I have been thinking a lot about that lately and I still can't figure out where that comes from.  Apparently that explains my love and patience for Ed .... but I must ask myself why.  But in the end it really doesn't matter does it?  While I enjoy analyzing these puzzles I also know that I am here, I am now, and I am happy!

My Shame with the movie "SHAME"

Ed & I finally watched the movie "SHAME" last week!  Wow, is all I have to say.  It is a movie about a man and his sex addiction.  I am not sure what I expected but I am still shaken by the emotions that I felt watching it.  I am not sure if I even liked the movie, if you don't understand the world of sex addiction I am not even sure if you would fully comprehend everything that went on ... but what had the biggest impact for me was the loneliness that Michael (the lead character) felt.  It was so intense and so real that it stayed with me for days ... the loneliness was just so heartbreaking.

My Sex Addict Husband ... If I knew then, What I know Now?

Here is a question that people ask me "If you knew then, what you know now .... would you stay with Ed?"  .... that is probably the hardest question for me to answer.  The answer is "I DON'T KNOW".  I know that isn't the answer that people want to hear .... but it is the truth!

First of all, I love Ed so very much!  I'm happy that we are together, I am happy that he is healthy and I am so happy with the incredible family we have.  AND I would love to say that I have no regrets at all .... but that would be a lie.  I don't like to dwell on the past, I am here now, I am happy today and I did the best I could at the time.  But, that question is often asked and I wonder if I had the knowledge and tools that I have today ... would I have made different choices?

Living in the NOW ....but scared of the FUTURE!

I'm always talking about how we need to live in the present, move forward from the past and not to predict the future.  Appreciate what we have right now.  I believe that .... I truly and whole heartedly do.  Despite the crazy life that I have chosen, I try and stay positive, I embrace the happiness that we feel now and I try to feel the love that Ed and I are working hard to regain!  I love him so very much and I do know that he loves me!


BUT . . . the other night Ed and I were talking about how scared I sometimes feel about OUR future.  I can live in the present moment but I can't ignore the idea that Ed could at some point in the future make a horribly wrong choice and lose himself in his addictions again.  It would be incredibly naive to think that it could NEVER happen.  I hope it wont ... I really, really hope it wont .... BUT it could.