Living in the NOW ....but scared of the FUTURE!

I'm always talking about how we need to live in the present, move forward from the past and not to predict the future.  Appreciate what we have right now.  I believe that .... I truly and whole heartedly do.  Despite the crazy life that I have chosen, I try and stay positive, I embrace the happiness that we feel now and I try to feel the love that Ed and I are working hard to regain!  I love him so very much and I do know that he loves me!


BUT . . . the other night Ed and I were talking about how scared I sometimes feel about OUR future.  I can live in the present moment but I can't ignore the idea that Ed could at some point in the future make a horribly wrong choice and lose himself in his addictions again.  It would be incredibly naive to think that it could NEVER happen.  I hope it wont ... I really, really hope it wont .... BUT it could.

How did I get here, in this crazy place??

This is the life I chose . . . or rather the life that chose me? . . .  a great line from rapper JAY Z.   Not my fav artist but Ed loves him . . . and he is married to Beyonce, who RULES . . . most of the time!   Gotta love "Survivor" . . . and "Independent Women" . . . listen to those songs and they will inspire us spouses to be STRONG and EMPOWERED!!! Here is Destiny's Child Survivor.  Check it out!

 Sometimes I sit here and wonder Jay Z's question though . . . I know that I chose this life.  I chose to be with Ed, I chose to stay with Ed, I chose to support Ed. I choose to have two amazing kids . . . but I can't help but consider the words from JayZ.  
Some of you may think that I am absolutely NUTS for staying in a relationship like this.  There have been certain times of our life that I wondered myself, where my own brain was at.  Here is one time in particular . . .  About 12 years ago when Ed had his first "bender" (a head first downward spiral). . . he had just confessed to me that he was a sex addict, he needed help, and he had unprotected sex with a stripper on a business trip.  

This is Ed, Mishka's Hubby!

This is Ed.  Mishka's hubby.


Mishka is my soul mate, best friend, and the one who hurt her the most of anyone in her life . . . ever.  In turn, she saved my life, picked me up when I fell - hard . . . and she is the strongest person I know.  


Her blog has opened my eyes in so many ways - and brought us closer together.  The healthier I have become the more I am able to grok the betrayal and trauma I caused.  Empathy for Mishka has been pouring in and it's shocking (like the "I have to throw up" shocking) that I did such terrible things to someone I love with all my heart. 


Empathy for me means greater intimacy and love with Mishka.  As hard as it has been to let in her trauma, right now, it's harder to keep it out.  And this is good!  

I read recently an article that drove home hard this point.  The article talks about how the spouse of a sex addict suffers from trauma, acute trauma, not necessarily co-dependency.  The article notes how this trauma is often overlooked or minimized.  Trust me when I say it, my actions caused trauma.  Here is a a blurb:

• sex addiction-induced trauma for significant others is particularly acute around: 
• discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), 
• disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and 
• around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system.  

The HIGH of new love

I read an article today that really caught my attention.  It was named "Distinguishing Real Love from Love Addiction".  This was a great article, written by Sharon O'Hara, MFT.  I highly recommend reading it!  One sentence keeps ringing in my head.  It states that "People fall in love with the HIGH of new love".  That is so true, new relationships do give you a "HIGH".  And it is a wonderful high!

I mean, who doesn't love the start of a relationship?  When everything is so new and fun . . . you can't stop thinking about that person, just the mention of their name sends excitement throughout your body, their little 'quirks' are adorable . . . I could go on forever on how fantastic that is.  We have all been there and let's face it:  it's amazing!

But that "high" can be a problem for a love addict.  Love addicts are constantly chasing that high.  It acts like a drug in their brain, just like sex is the drug in the sex addict's brain.  This high is like a "magically altered state of reality" and once it wears off the person needs to find that again, even at the expense of their partner.