Friday, December 4, 2015

Today, I'm Thankful For ....


Hello my amazing ladies out there! I wanted to take a minute and reflect on Thanksgiving last week.  I love the holidays, I really do! This can be an absolutely wonderful time of year .... the cooking, the travel, the friends, the extra efforts to connect, the connection with family .... I LOVE this part of the holidays. 

AND, for some (and may be true if you are here, reading this blog looking for support because your partner may have a sex or porn addiction) it can be an extremely stressful and emotional time of year. Holidays bring out the best and worst in many ways.

The holidays can remind us of what we feel we have lost. They remind us that life shouldn't be this hard. The holidays bring up expectations of what our partners should be doing or how they should be acting. All of these feelings then roll together and bring up disappointment. 

Then because the holidays are supposed to be happy, easy and full of love, we get caught up in resentment. And then the resentment turns into anger, we are short tempered, agitated and overwhelmed .....  and now our Thanksgiving sucks!

Wow, I didn't paint a very Thanksgivingy picture, did I? I'm sorry about that, I am ... and if you are struggling right now to keep it together, please know that I understand! I understand all too well .... I understand that this is an all too common pattern that happens during the holidays. 

It happens and then when you least expect it, it comes on suddenly ... slapping you in the face and knocking the wind out of you. I know how shitty that feels!!!! I personally went through it with Craig too many times and every woman that I coach feels it too.

I ALSO know that the reality is that we DO have some control over how our holidays go. It's all about perspective and choice! I know, it's easier said than done. I get that ... but I also know that this is what I do and how I got through the mess that was my life for a while. I could choose to let it consume me or I could choose to allow another perspective to sit on the same level as my negative emotions.

Thanksgiving is a good time to think about that perspective. There is much to be thankful for in your life beyond your partner's addiction. Your kids, your friends, your fulfilling hobbies, your parents, the awesome new pair of boots you just bought yourself, the glittery, fabulous new eyeshadow your friend just gave to you, the fact that you have been able to stay home with your kids, the weather (I love that one because i now live in CA and I just love the warmer weather here) .... I can keep going but you get the idea. Think about it for a moment .... what else in your life are you THANKFUL for?

Once you can identify what else is good in your life (and if you can't think of anything than think again and challenge yourself .... there is plenty good that is happening right now, you just need to CHOOSE to see it) then take in that GOOD in your life ... then ALLOW it to sit side by side with the negative. 

We cannot allow the negative to completely invade our soul. So, we work WITH IT .... don't always try to fight it. You don't have to see life as all or nothing. You don't have to be HAPPY OR SAD. You can be both, which is probably your reality. Trying to fight the negative too much creates more emotions and negativity.

But, challenging the negativity and leaving room for the good too can have a powerful effect on your soul. The more you allow the positive to sit along side the negative the more influence the positive will have on your thoughts. 

And the more you will start creating a habit of choosing your perspective. There is always different ways that we can choose to see our life, don't get consumed in all the negative!

So, ask  yourself ... What are YOU THANKFUL for? When overwhelmed, remind yourself of the good in your life. It can make a big difference. The holidays are full of so many things. And the reality is that the only thing that you have control over is YOU. So, start now by reminding yourself what you are thankful for each and every day of your life!!!!!!  You will get through this .... I PROMISE!

And Craig, my hubby, made a video on The Mindful Habit you tube channel or the guys .... about Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving: Are you grateful for your addiction yet?. He talks about being grateful for the addiction because of the CHANGE that is forces us to make. When we choose to make change in our lives, so much amazingness is possible!!!!! And we can ALL be grateful for that!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

We Were On Lifetime's Reality Show "Living With The Enemy"

Hello to my fabulous ladies out there!  I know it's been a crazy long time since I posted here ... but I wanted to say a quick hello and keep you updated about our newest adventure. Craig and I were on a reality show on Lifetime. Well, it was much more Craig but I do appear in 2 small scenes. It was intense, emotional and an experience we will never forget.

The show itself is called "Living With The Enemy" and it appeared on Lifetime. Our actual episode was called "Naked or Afraid". The premise of the show is having 2 people with very different viewpoints on a particular topic live and experience each other's world. Living with the other person, and experiencing their life from their perspective, allows the participants to see things from another angle and hopefully bring up some really interesting discussions. So, it's kind of like "Wife Swap" except it's more like a Life Swap.

So, our episode was regarding pornography and the big huge discussion around that. Craig was paired with a very well known porn actress, Maddy O'Reilly. Craig obviously was on the side of being anti-porn and trying to get her to see the effect that pornography can have on our society, ourselves and our children. Her position pro porn and that not all porn is evil or bad and she wanted the viewers to see that not everyone is screwed up who is in the porn industry. She was on the porn is empowering side.

So, why did we agree to go on a reality TV show and let our lives be seen by all of AMERICA??!!! Some of you may be thinking about how CRAZY we are! It really was a hard decision to go through with it. First of all, we all know what happens on reality TV. You don't have control and this is a VERY sensitive topic. But, the reality is this is something that NEEDS to be talked about. We need to start bringing the issue of pornography and porn addiction out in the open. Stop hiding behind our fears of being judged and start talking about the effect that this is having on so many men, women and families. 

And hopefully by speaking out, being vulnerable, and allowing others to see that they are not alone ... we can help many more families that are struggling and need support. And there are many people that don't appreciate the impact that pornography can have on us as a society and what it is providing for our kids. We really wanted to raise awareness and start having a discussion on pornography and it's impact.

It was an amazing experience for us. It brought up a ton of emotions for both of us, especially Craig, and it was intense to say the least. I just really wanted to share it with you guys!!!

So, the episode aired a few weeks ago. Here is a link to the show .... you can only get it on AMAZON  right now. It's under Lifetime's "Living With The Enemy" and then go to the "Naked or Afraid" episode. 

Please, watch it .... let me know what you think? What are your thoughts? I want to hear the good and the bad and the ugly ....  I would love honest feedback ... and let's have a discussion on it. That's why we did it!!!!!

Friday, April 24, 2015

HOW To Survive Your Partner's Sex or Porn Addiction

WOW ... I just need to take a moment and send out a great big, loving hello to all of my AMAZING ladies out there! It has been so long since I have given this blog my attention and it is about time that I do just that. 

I wanted to take a minute and write about a question that I hear so often from partners ... "How Do I Get Through This?" .... That's what I hear ... HOW? As partners you probably don't even know where to begin. The truth is that we don't have to let our partner's sex addiction or porn addiction suck the life out of us. I hear so often that women feel "destroyed" ..... the truth is that we may not have control over what has happened, but what you do have control of is YOU! That's the reality!

The reality is that the only thing we CAN control is ourselves and we need to know how to move past our trauma and live in the present moment ... it is only then that we can move forward and be happy in whatever way that looks. Moving forward and empowering ourselves helps us to make the best decisions that we can for us. These are invaluable life lessons and although this applies directly t the crisis that you are currently going through, this is so useful for most of life as well.

When faced with this crisis .... How are you going to cope? How are you going to learn from it? How are you going to grow and change in awesome ways that help YOU?

The truth is that you can use this opportunity to do all of these things. And I know right now, you just need help doing that. You need help, help that can guide you toward positivity and healing to help empower you. I strive to empower the partners that I work with and not let the circumstances in their lives suck the life out of them! Life is way too short for that!!!!

Really, this journey needs a path to follow. Now, everyone's journey is different ... but the path starts the same. The path may lead you in different directions but there is a path that can help guide you during this time. I find that so many women need a path that is motivating, inspiring and positive to help empower you to begin this healing journey. Part of the journey is dependent on your partner ... AND part of that depends on you.

Hopefully your partner is getting the help he needs. Wether he is or not ... YOU need to be in control of healing you. Our happiness can never be tied directly to our partners. Happiness starts within YOU .... no matter what!!!

I put together a FREE Partner Survival Guide to help give my ladies some guidance to help cope in a positive and empowering way. It helps to know that I have gone through it too, I've felt what you feel now, I know the hopelessness that hangs there, I know the feeling of insecurity .... AND I also know how to heal, how to be empowered in ways I never was before, how to be HAPPY no matter what life throws at me!

Anyway, my Partner Survival Guide is too long for 1 blog post ... so here it is in a nutshell. Just go to the link and you can download the pdf right there.
  1. Allow Yourself Time To Make Any Big Decisions
  2. Take Care of Yourself
  3. Find Support
  4. Feel Your Feelings Without Judgement
  5. Focus of EFFECTIVE Communication
  6. Practice Mindfulness
  7. Create Healthy Boundaries
  8. Accept The Past Wont Change & Strive To Move Forward
  9. Do Something Special for YOU - Hobbies
  10. Bring Awareness To The Positive - Where is Your Opportunity

Go to this page and download this Free Guide to help you begin your own journey toward healing. Don't forget how important it is to take care of yourself ... not just the healing of your partner.

Remember, you are NOT alone in this!!! Be strong ... you CAN heal !!!!