Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Break Free From Negative Thoughts

I want to take a quick moment and talk about thoughts. Our thoughts ... the thoughts that we can't seem to get out of our head, the thoughts that keep us up at night, the thoughts that seem to control us.

It's truly amazing how much of an impact those thoughts can have on our life and on our happiness. They also have a huge impact on our ability to heal.

You are here because you are trying to deal with the fact that your partner is struggling with a sex addiction &/or porn addiction. Most women that I talk to ask me the same question ...

"How do I manage the thoughts? The thoughts are CONSUMING! I can't sleep at night!" 

Our thoughts are generally tainted by our emotional reactions to what is going on around us ... so our fears, insecurities, traumas and experiences all have an affect on those thoughts. And your body and mind will believe what ever thoughts you put in your head. It's true.

And our thoughts are not always reality. Remember, they are influenced by our emotions. They may reflect a part of your reality BUT there is always more than 1 way to look at a situation.

Let me give you an example, I often hear "My husband has destroyed me, I will never heal from this!" That is a very emotional thought and you may very well connect with that comment ...  (and my heart always feels so much empathy for any woman going through this) ... but the truth is no one can destroy you.

You might go through pain and heartache but you always have the power to HEAL for you! You don't ever have to let someone's horrible choices define you. YOU define you!

Here is another example ... "I am stuck in this marriage because I just can't get out". Again, it may feel that way now but there is always a way out.

People get divorced all the time, you just have to create a plan. There are always solutions, it's just up to you to find those solutions.

And here is 1 more example ... "What kind of weak person would I be if I stayed in this marriage and try to work on this!" That isn't true ... some of us stay and some of us leave. Healing and recovery can happen for some and not for others.

There is nothing weak in trying to keep your family together , just as much as there is nothing weak in saying I have had enough and I want out. There is no one solution to healing from this sex & porn addiction. And it is OK to take time before making any huge decision.

So, you can see how there is more than 1 perspective to many of our thoughts. Especially our negative thoughts. A technique I use with the women who work with me is to CHALLENGE your negative, emotional thoughts.

Ask yourself if there is another perspective that can sit right next to that one. I'm not saying to tell yourself that you are wrong ... just ask yourself: "How else can I perceive this?" ... I guarantee there is another perspective.

So, a technique to managing those thoughts is challenging the reality of your negative thoughts:

  • When you have a negative thought that says you can't do something:
Think of why you CAN do that thing.

  • When you think of what might go wrong, challenge those negative thoughts:
Think about what CAN go right.

  • When you feel the you have been destroyed:
Think of how you might grow through this for YOU.

Plant new seeds for positive thinking and positive living and you'll begin creating more happiness in your life.  Negative thoughts will be there … for all of us …. even positive people. If we try to pull them like a weed it will grow back … we need to learn to crowd out the negative thoughts with positive & reality ones.  

It is important though to accept the negative thought, give it a bit of compassion for even being there, and then bombard it with MANY posititve ones.   Don’t give the negative thought room to breathe or room to grow.  

We are always going to have them to some degree .. it is natural …  but we don’t have to allow them space to live, room to grow … we are saying ok, negative thought you are a part of my mind but YOU ARE NOT me!  

The more you tell yourself positive, awesome thoughts the more you will believe them!