Thursday, April 19, 2012
My Sex Addict Husband ... If I knew then, What I know Now?
Here is a question that people ask me "If you knew then, what you know now .... would you stay with Ed?" .... that is probably the hardest question for me to answer. The answer is "I DON'T KNOW". I know that isn't the answer that people want to hear .... but it is the truth!
First of all, I love Ed so very much! I'm happy that we are together, I am happy that he is healthy and I am so happy with the incredible family we have. AND I would love to say that I have no regrets at all .... but that would be a lie. I don't like to dwell on the past, I am here now, I am happy today and I did the best I could at the time. But, that question is often asked and I wonder if I had the knowledge and tools that I have today ... would I have made different choices?
Truthfully, I may have! The problem is that Ed .... and many addicts as well, are so good at lying that it was really hard to truly see the reality of what was going on.
I wish I had picked up on the subtle clues at the beginning of our relationship. As always, the beginning was AMAZING .... so intense, so passionate, so what I wanted! But then it faded ... not gradual as with many other relationships but a sudden halt. We still had our great friendship and I couldn't imagine my life without my best friend so I just kind of ignored it and complained a lot about it.
That lack of intimacy has been so lonely over the years. It is something I crave, something I need and Ed has never been able to give it to me. The harder I pushed the more it would drive him away. We have had our good times and our bad times but the fact is I wouldn't wish that LONELINESS on anyone.
Also, worrying about diseases really SUCKS! Ed was acting out sexually and was safe MOST of the time, but it only takes once to catch a really, really bad disease! I think addicts don't always think clearly. So, a bad choice can be made in a moment of weakness and they may not even realize it or they lie about it ... and I think we all know about "the lying". And as a result .... that puts our health in danger.
And to top it off, the shattering of trust and the trauma that is a result of his acting out has been awful too. This wasn't a mild case of sex addiction ..... and the fact that it happened a second time .....
Wow .... I just changed my mind ... as I read everything that I just wrote down, I'd be out of there quicker than I could run ... well, NO... um, YES... hmm, NO.....YES... NO....YES ... AAAAHHHH!!!
Omg .... this really is the hardest question ever! I'm sorry that I just can't answer this .... I have NO idea what I would do. We've had wonderful times that I would never want to not have ... and the bad times I could have lived without but here we are today. It really doesn't matter what I would have done but I know other fabulous women out there, who are in pain, sometimes want to learn from us survivors of this.
I do know this ... if your partner is willing to do the work, the toughest, terribly painful, looking within and dealing with all the shit pain that they have caused work ... and are committed to recovery and I mean a lifetime of recovery than it truly CAN be worth it. I PROMISE you that!!!!! They need to look at their recovery as healing for themselves as well as for the relationship.
We've seen MANY men reclaim their lives and I can honestly say that the men who choose recovery can truly change. This is exactly why my hubby is so passionate about helping men who WANT to heal, he has dedicated his coaching practice and created an online recovery program to helping those men save their marriages, relationships and just create a truly happy life. So, watching him create The Mindful Habit to help others has made me realize that this was the path we were meant to take.
BUT, if your partner is not immersing himself 100% in healing and stopping the insanity than I would seriously think about YOU and your happiness a bit harder. You are most definitely worth it!!!! It is a tough road and I'm sure I wouldn't be quite so supportive if this kept happening over and over again. There is only so much one CHICK can take!
So, I guess my point is this .... there is no point in dwelling in the "What if's ..." The Truth is:
We Can't Change The Past
And We Certainly Can't Predict The Future
All We Have Is Right Here & Right Now
So, make the right here and right now the best it can be for you. Understand & learn from the past, but don't stay stuck there ... YOU need to heal and move forward too. For some of you that means trying to work it out, for some of you it means having the courage to leave. But either way, find the support you need, download my Partner Survival Guide and remember ... you WILL get through this!!!!!