Break Free From Negative Thoughts

I want to take a quick moment and talk about thoughts. Our thoughts ... the thoughts that we can't seem to get out of our head, the thoughts that keep us up at night, the thoughts that seem to control us.

It's truly amazing how much of an impact those thoughts can have on our life and on our happiness. They also have a huge impact on our ability to heal.

You are here because you are trying to deal with the fact that your partner is struggling with a sex addiction &/or porn addiction. Most women that I talk to ask me the same question ...

"How do I manage the thoughts? The thoughts are CONSUMING! I can't sleep at night!" 

Our thoughts are generally tainted by our emotional reactions to what is going on around us ... so our fears, insecurities, traumas and experiences all have an affect on those thoughts. And your body and mind will believe what ever thoughts you put in your head. It's true.

And our thoughts are not always reality. Remember, they are influenced by our emotions. They may reflect a part of your reality BUT there is always more than 1 way to look at a situation.

Let me give you an example, I often hear "My husband has destroyed me, I will never heal from this!" That is a very emotional thought and you may very well connect with that comment ...  (and my heart always feels so much empathy for any woman going through this) ... but the truth is no one can destroy you.

You might go through pain and heartache but you always have the power to HEAL for you! You don't ever have to let someone's horrible choices define you. YOU define you!

Here is another example ... "I am stuck in this marriage because I just can't get out". Again, it may feel that way now but there is always a way out.

People get divorced all the time, you just have to create a plan. There are always solutions, it's just up to you to find those solutions.

And here is 1 more example ... "What kind of weak person would I be if I stayed in this marriage and try to work on this!" That isn't true ... some of us stay and some of us leave. Healing and recovery can happen for some and not for others.

There is nothing weak in trying to keep your family together , just as much as there is nothing weak in saying I have had enough and I want out. There is no one solution to healing from this sex & porn addiction. And it is OK to take time before making any huge decision.

So, you can see how there is more than 1 perspective to many of our thoughts. Especially our negative thoughts. A technique I use with the women who work with me is to CHALLENGE your negative, emotional thoughts.

Ask yourself if there is another perspective that can sit right next to that one. I'm not saying to tell yourself that you are wrong ... just ask yourself: "How else can I perceive this?" ... I guarantee there is another perspective.

So, a technique to managing those thoughts is challenging the reality of your negative thoughts:

• When you have a negative thought that says you can't do something:

Think of why you CAN do that thing.

• When you think of what might go wrong, challenge those negative thoughts:

Think about what CAN go right.

• When you feel the you have been destroyed:

Think of how you might grow through this for YOU.

Plant new seeds for positive thinking and positive living and you'll begin creating more happiness in your life.  Negative thoughts will be there … for all of us …. even positive people. If we try to pull them like a weed it will grow back … we need to learn to crowd out the negative thoughts with positive & reality ones.  

It is important though to accept the negative thought, give it a bit of compassion for even being there, and then bombard it with MANY posititve ones.   Don’t give the negative thought room to breathe or room to grow.  

We are always going to have them to some degree .. it is natural …  but we don’t have to allow them space to live, room to grow … we are saying ok, negative thought you are a part of my mind but YOU ARE NOT me!  

The more you tell yourself positive, awesome thoughts the more you will believe them!

Yoga Can Help You Heal From Your Partner's Sex &/Or Porn Addiction

Hello again to all of you fabulous women looking for support and growth on this journey of ours! I'm so honored that you are choosing to read my blog and hopefully learn something about healing from your partner's porn addiction &/or sex addiction. 

My goal is to help you know that you are not alone, to provide you with some support through this crisis and to  be a glimmer of hope (even if that glimmer is small) that you will absolutely be OK  .... AND  you WILL always shine, no matter what has happened. 

It is so important for you to know that NO ONE can take your power away. It may feel like your partner has ripped your power straight from your soul .... but the truth is that you have control over taking it back. You just need to take it day by day and begin taking care of you.

Part of the process of empowering yourself, is to make sure you are taking care of you. You can't begin to heal from this crap unless you are nurturing your body, mind and soul. That takes a conscious effort on a daily basis because the truth is that when we are stressed, overwhelmed, sad, depressed, anxious, etc. - the first thing to go is our basic human needs. 

And even if we do provide ourselves with some of those basic needs ...  we do the bare minimum. We barely eat, we sure don't make an effort to exercise, we surely can't sleep ... I'm sure you are connecting with what I'm saying! We do our best to get through the day but our mind is running so wild that it makes it hard to function.

So, it's so important to be proactive and do things for you that are going to help YOU. When I am working as a coach with my women, the most common thing they say is that they can't stop the thoughts. The thoughts come, the thoughts take over and the thoughts rule us throughout the day. 

When we are consumed by our thoughts we have such a hard time getting out of our heads. And that increases any of those intense emotions that we are feeling ... anxiety, depression, fear, insecurity, etc ....  And really, you can't heal until you are able to process your reality from a calmer place. So, that's one of the first places to start. Calming your mind!

Mindfulness is a wonderful way to calm your mind. "Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. It is living in the moment and awakening to your experiences in that moment." Through mindfulness you can learn to calm your mind and not get buried by your fears that are probably overwhelming you!

Calming the mind takes work, it takes practice and it is soooo hard for many people. YOGA is a wonderful way to begin practicing that. The beauty of yoga is that it provides you with a structure to achieve that state of mindfulness, of connection with yourself, of peace and it gives you a bit of a workout as well. All things that are crucial for the place you are in right now!!!

Especially when you are dealing with a trauma, YOGA can be crucial. I have begun taking yoga classes twice a week and I am amazed at how wonderful it is for me. Aside from the physical workout I get from it, it helps me is so many mental ways. 

I have learned about how wonderful yoga can be from my hubby, Craig Perra.  Most of you know he is an amazing life coach. His passion is helping men heal and grow from their sex & porn addiction. Through working with his men and his own personal healing journey he has fully embraced the gift that yoga can bring to each person. 

His latest path has been becoming a certified yoga instructor as well. For him, yoga is amazing for his physical body but just as importantly it is KEY for your mental health. And he has taught it to me. And it has been a gift!

It helps me calm my mind, connect with the parts of my body that are carrying my stress and it gives me a path to create mindfulness in my everyday life. When I go to yoga class, I am able to disconnect from the day and focus on ME. The truth is that I am just happier and I feel better when I do it! And it is up to me to continue to create that constant positivity in my life!


YOU are going through a major stress and yoga is one thing that can HELP you tremendously. Stress can wreak MAJOR havoc on your body. It reveals itself in so many ways ... including physical pain, sleep issues, anxiety, headaches, an inability to cope with everyday issues, depression, etc. 

Yoga helps with ALL of these things and can have a profound impact on your mental health. Yoga brings a sense of calm to your brain through mindfulness ... yoga is a perfect way to practice that. Nurturing your mental health right now is one of the most important things you can do for yourself!

Ok, if I haven't convinced you yet to try yoga, I am going to list some ways that it can help you heal ... right here and right now.

• Yoga Helps You Manage Stress

• Yoga Helps To Alleviate Anxiety & Reduce Depression

• Yoga Helps You Sleep Better

• Yoga Can Relieve Migraines

• Yoga Makes You Happier

• Yoga Brings a Sense Of Calm 

• Yoga Lowers Blood Pressure

Yoga has so many benefits, physical and mental and it is seriously a gift that you can give to yourself.   And right now, you need to be giving yourself a gift. I say, give yourself the gift of YOGA. I did and it is wonderful !!!! 

Take a local yoga class, find some yoga videos, download a yoga app ... there are so many ways that you can start. Don't make excuses that you are too tired, or you can't get out of bed or you are too stressed. Here is something you can proactively do to help YOU heal for YOU. Healing is about taking action for yourself. I know you can do it!!!  You will be thanking yourself!!!!

Today, I'm Thankful For ....

Happy THANKSGIVING!!!!

Hello my amazing ladies out there! I wanted to take a minute and reflect on Thanksgiving last week.  I love the holidays, I really do! This can be an absolutely wonderful time of year .... the cooking, the travel, the friends, the extra efforts to connect, the connection with family .... I LOVE this part of the holidays. 

AND, for some (and may be true if you are here, reading this blog looking for support because your partner may have a sex or porn addiction) it can be an extremely stressful and emotional time of year. Holidays bring out the best and worst in many ways.

The holidays can remind us of what we feel we have lost. They remind us that life shouldn't be this hard. The holidays bring up expectations of what our partners should be doing or how they should be acting. All of these feelings then roll together and bring up disappointment. 

Then because the holidays are supposed to be happy, easy and full of love, we get caught up in resentment. And then the resentment turns into anger, we are short tempered, agitated and overwhelmed .....  and now our Thanksgiving sucks!

Wow, I didn't paint a very Thanksgivingy picture, did I? I'm sorry about that, I am ... and if you are struggling right now to keep it together, please know that I understand! I understand all too well .... I understand that this is an all too common pattern that happens during the holidays. 

It happens and then when you least expect it, it comes on suddenly ... slapping you in the face and knocking the wind out of you. I know how shitty that feels!!!! I personally went through it with Craig too many times and every woman that I coach feels it too.

I ALSO know that the reality is that we DO have some control over how our holidays go. It's all about perspective and choice! I know, it's easier said than done. I get that ... but I also know that this is what I do and how I got through the mess that was my life for a while. I could choose to let it consume me or I could choose to allow another perspective to sit on the same level as my negative emotions.

Thanksgiving is a good time to think about that perspective. There is much to be thankful for in your life beyond your partner's addiction. Your kids, your friends, your fulfilling hobbies, your parents, the awesome new pair of boots you just bought yourself, the glittery, fabulous new eyeshadow your friend just gave to you, the fact that you have been able to stay home with your kids, the weather (I love that one because i now live in CA and I just love the warmer weather here) .... I can keep going but you get the idea. Think about it for a moment .... what else in your life are you THANKFUL for?

Once you can identify what else is good in your life (and if you can't think of anything than think again and challenge yourself .... there is plenty good that is happening right now, you just need to CHOOSE to see it) then take in that GOOD in your life ... then ALLOW it to sit side by side with the negative. 

We cannot allow the negative to completely invade our soul. So, we work WITH IT .... don't always try to fight it. You don't have to see life as all or nothing. You don't have to be HAPPY OR SAD. You can be both, which is probably your reality. Trying to fight the negative too much creates more emotions and negativity.

But, challenging the negativity and leaving room for the good too can have a powerful effect on your soul. The more you allow the positive to sit along side the negative the more influence the positive will have on your thoughts. 

And the more you will start creating a habit of choosing your perspective. There is always different ways that we can choose to see our life, don't get consumed in all the negative!

So, ask  yourself ... What are YOU THANKFUL for? When overwhelmed, remind yourself of the good in your life. It can make a big difference. The holidays are full of so many things. And the reality is that the only thing that you have control over is YOU. So, start now by reminding yourself what you are thankful for each and every day of your life!!!!!!  You will get through this .... I PROMISE!

And Craig, my hubby, made a video on The Mindful Habit you tube channel or the guys .... about Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving: Are you grateful for your addiction yet?. He talks about being grateful for the addiction because of the CHANGE that is forces us to make. When we choose to make change in our lives, so much amazingness is possible!!!!! And we can ALL be grateful for that!!!

We Were On Lifetime's Reality Show "Living With The Enemy"

Hello to my fabulous ladies out there!  I know it's been a crazy long time since I posted here ... but I wanted to say a quick hello and keep you updated about our newest adventure. Craig and I were on a reality show on Lifetime. Well, it was much more Craig but I do appear in 2 small scenes. It was intense, emotional and an experience we will never forget.

The show itself is called "Living With The Enemy" and it appeared on Lifetime. Our actual episode was called "Naked or Afraid". The premise of the show is having 2 people with very different viewpoints on a particular topic live and experience each other's world. Living with the other person, and experiencing their life from their perspective, allows the participants to see things from another angle and hopefully bring up some really interesting discussions. So, it's kind of like "Wife Swap" except it's more like a Life Swap.

So, our episode was regarding pornography and the big huge discussion around that. Craig was paired with a very well known porn actress, Maddy O'Reilly. Craig obviously was on the side of being anti-porn and trying to get her to see the effect that pornography can have on our society, ourselves and our children. Her position pro porn and that not all porn is evil or bad and she wanted the viewers to see that not everyone is screwed up who is in the porn industry. She was on the porn is empowering side.

So, why did we agree to go on a reality TV show and let our lives be seen by all of AMERICA??!!! Some of you may be thinking about how CRAZY we are! It really was a hard decision to go through with it. First of all, we all know what happens on reality TV. You don't have control and this is a VERY sensitive topic. But, the reality is this is something that NEEDS to be talked about. We need to start bringing the issue of pornography and porn addiction out in the open. Stop hiding behind our fears of being judged and start talking about the effect that this is having on so many men, women and families. 

And hopefully by speaking out, being vulnerable, and allowing others to see that they are not alone ... we can help many more families that are struggling and need support. And there are many people that don't appreciate the impact that pornography can have on us as a society and what it is providing for our kids. We really wanted to raise awareness and start having a discussion on pornography and it's impact.

It was an amazing experience for us. It brought up a ton of emotions for both of us, especially Craig, and it was intense to say the least. I just really wanted to share it with you guys!!!

So, the episode aired a few weeks ago. Here is a link to the show .... you can only get it on AMAZON  right now. It's under Lifetime's "Living With The Enemy" and then go to the "Naked or Afraid" episode. 

Please, watch it .... let me know what you think? What are your thoughts? I want to hear the good and the bad and the ugly ....  I would love honest feedback ... and let's have a discussion on it. That's why we did it!!!!!

HOW To Survive Your Partner's Sex or Porn Addiction

WOW ... I just need to take a moment and send out a great big, loving hello to all of my AMAZING ladies out there! It has been so long since I have given this blog my attention and it is about time that I do just that. 

I wanted to take a minute and write about a question that I hear so often from partners ... "How Do I Get Through This?" .... That's what I hear ... HOW? As partners you probably don't even know where to begin. The truth is that we don't have to let our partner's sex addiction or porn addiction suck the life out of us. I hear so often that women feel "destroyed" ..... the truth is that we may not have control over what has happened, but what you do have control of is YOU! That's the reality!

The reality is that the only thing we CAN control is ourselves and we need to know how to move past our trauma and live in the present moment ... it is only then that we can move forward and be happy in whatever way that looks. Moving forward and empowering ourselves helps us to make the best decisions that we can for us. These are invaluable life lessons and although this applies directly t the crisis that you are currently going through, this is so useful for most of life as well.

When faced with this crisis .... How are you going to cope? How are you going to learn from it? How are you going to grow and change in awesome ways that help YOU?

The truth is that you can use this opportunity to do all of these things. And I know right now, you just need help doing that. You need help, help that can guide you toward positivity and healing to help empower you. I strive to empower the partners that I work with and not let the circumstances in their lives suck the life out of them! Life is way too short for that!!!!

Really, this journey needs a path to follow. Now, everyone's journey is different ... but the path starts the same. The path may lead you in different directions but there is a path that can help guide you during this time. I find that so many women need a path that is motivating, inspiring and positive to help empower you to begin this healing journey. Part of the journey is dependent on your partner ... AND part of that depends on you.

Hopefully your partner is getting the help he needs. Wether he is or not ... YOU need to be in control of healing you. Our happiness can never be tied directly to our partners. Happiness starts within YOU .... no matter what!!!

I put together a FREE Partner Survival Guide to help give my ladies some guidance to help cope in a positive and empowering way. It helps to know that I have gone through it too, I've felt what you feel now, I know the hopelessness that hangs there, I know the feeling of insecurity .... AND I also know how to heal, how to be empowered in ways I never was before, how to be HAPPY no matter what life throws at me!

Anyway, my Partner Survival Guide is too long for 1 blog post ... so here it is in a nutshell. Just go to the link and you can download the pdf right there.

1. Allow Yourself Time To Make Any Big Decisions
2. Take Care of Yourself
3. Find Support
4. Feel Your Feelings Without Judgement
5. Focus of EFFECTIVE Communication
6. Practice Mindfulness
7. Create Healthy Boundaries
8. Accept The Past Wont Change & Strive To Move Forward
9. Do Something Special for YOU - Hobbies
10. Bring Awareness To The Positive - Where is Your Opportunity

Go to this page and download this Free Guide to help you begin your own journey toward healing. Don't forget how important it is to take care of yourself ... not just the healing of your partner.

Remember, you are NOT alone in this!!! Be strong ... you CAN heal !!!!

Making A GREAT Life

HELLO out there!!!!  Seriously, it has been way too long since I have posted on my blog.  At this point, I figured you all deserved an update on my life.  It's been a VERY crazy many months and I have been focusing on my kids and our business.  First of all, things are going AMAZING on that end!  Our life coaching business with Feed The Right Wolf has been steadily growing and we now are coaching clients all over the world and are in 12 countries now!  It is so fulfilling to be able to be a part of CHANGING PEOPLE'S LIVES!  It is awesome!!!

We are also at a point where we want to EMBRACE all of what LIFE HAS TO OFFER!!!  Too often, we have goals and dreams but we procrastinate and let them fall to the side ... you know, because everything is just so much more important.  Especially when dealing with any tough issue in your life (like addiction for most of you reading this) but the reality is that if we don't take care of ourselves and find things to keep us going, to fulfill us, to empower us ... we will just go on existing!  And just existing is NOT finding our HAPPINESS.  It is up to each and every one of us to find our passions, embrace them and not let the crap of every day life hold us back!!!  We all deserve that!!!

What are those things in life that you have always wanted to do?  Well, my family and I decided we wanted to be in a play and we got involved in community theatre.  To make a very long story short, Craig, has always wanted to be in a play.  He has been breakdancing and rapping since the 7th grade (he's now 42) and had the chance to be the Tin Man in his high school production but chickened out (partly because it wasn't cool AND partly due to outside influences).  He has regretted that decision for the past 21 years!

For me ... My fear was singing in front of people ALONE .. but that is what you have to do in an audition!  I thought to myself after everything I have been through and shared with people ... "I am scared to do this???!!!!" .... that just wasn't going to fly with me.  I truly want to practice what I preach so it was important to me to do it too!

Well, we decided to do it and do it together as a family.  And luck, or awesomeness, would have it Craig got the part of the Tin Man.  The stars were aligned on this one ... first of all because that was the part he never embraced in HS ... and because of the character himself.  The Tin Man wants a heart, needs a heart but in the end he ALWAYS had a heart .... he just needed to embrace the LOVE that he truly had inside.  So, this was inspiring on many different levels for us!

I wanted to share Craig's words on facebook about this experience ... his words should inspire each and every one of us to live our lives to the fullest.  For guys who are struggling with addiction ... to know that they aren't alone and there is hope!  That you can change the way you think .... not as a victim but as someone who CHOOSES their path .... right here and right now!!!

"In high school I had the chance to be in a play but I chickened out. I loved to rap and dance but I was a jock that's not what jocks do. I said, "that was gay." (of course I didn't know better). 

I put myself in a box . . . as a sexual abuse survivor this was a very confused and ugly box. 

I've thought about this cowardice every single play I've been too since 1989. Every single one. It doesn't matter if it's a kids play about the biosphere or Miss Saigon. . . I did't matter. Like clockwork Michelle would look over and there I was with a face full of tears. 

This Friday I restore balance to the force. I slay a dragon that's been haunting me since 1989. Good bye box. 

l am the Tinman . . . and I've always had a heart. 

And I get to do it with my incredible wife and two awesome kids. We are all in this play. Wait till you see Michelle's dancing. She is incredible - and she is my soulmate."

As for me ... this gave me the opportunity to find myself again!  It has felt incredible.  Back in my younger days, I was quite the athlete (gymnast and high jumper - actually went to a Division 1 college for high jumping) and it has been hard to keep up with that as an adult.  Especially once kids come into the picture ... it is very common for women to just focus so much on our families that we really forget what our dreams once were ... or what we were good at ... or what lights a fire under our ass ... or what just makes us feel alive!!!

Theatre itself was out of my comfort zone but competing, being on a team, dancing and flipping is all the stuff that I once loved!  This made me realize that I still can rock it ... I am doing things again that I haven't done in 20 years and it feels wonderful.  And it is all because I TRIED ... I faced something that seemed uncomfortable ... I faced my fear .... I did something for ME .... I just tried something new and threw away the excuses of why it wouldn't work or why I wouldn't be good enough.

I walked down a completely new road and guess what?  It created a NEW BEGINNING for me!  Who knew I was still great at dancing and my cartwheels (and remember, I am not 20 anymore) were the best of anyone there.  And I was asked to participate in the theatre's next production because I WAS good enough!!!!  And I never would have known that unless I tried something new!!!

So, I am telling you this story because there is a lesson to be learned here ...

• What Fear Is Holding You Back From Something YOU Want To Do?
• How Can You Face That Fear And Try Something New?

Decide what you want to do in your life and MAKE THE COMMITMENT to actually doing it!  A dream is just a dream until you create ACTION!!!  Create action in your life ... YOU are the only one who CAN!!!!

Guest Blog .... "What I Learned From Dating A Porn Addict With Bipolar Disorder"

The journey of healing from sex and porn addiction that Craig and I have been on has certainly been an interesting one. It has provided us with such amazing growth, awareness, presence, connection and a new passion to help others. It has led us to some amazing women, some amazing men and some amazing couples!!! I love how once Craig and I talk about what we do for a living (coaching men, women and couples to heal from this addiction) and openly tell people our story how people feel incredibly comfortable reaching out for support. I wanted to share this story from an AMAZING WOMAN, a friend of mine, who decided to write down her story, what she learned and share it with others. I am sooo proud of her and I know this blog needed to be shared ... THANK YOU my friend for putting yourself out there, it is so incredibly brave!!!

"What I Learned From Dating A Porn Addict With Bipolar Disorder"

If you’re reading this, thank you. I assume it is because you are either dealing with something similar, know someone in this situation, or frankly are just curious about my experiences; any of which are perfectly OK with me.

I decided to speak about my experiences because they matter. They matter because they happened to me and because I am a human being with feelings that need to be expressed. They also matter because too many men and women are going through this same thing and sometimes we just need to hear someone talk about an experience that we are all too familiar with, but sometimes are scared to say out loud. It’s important to talk about this in a way that doesn’t shame the addict, and doesn’t victimize the partner opposite of an addict.

Writing this is a healing process for me. The shock of my break-up and the reasons behind it are still very real and hard for me. I don’t aim to air my dirty laundry for pity, or cast negative light on someone I still love very much, but rather to hopefully inspire the motivation for change in others who might be struggling with a porn addiction.

Can YOU Feed Your Right Wolf?

Hi everyone! I am just going to start this blog with another, I can't believe how LONG it has been since I have spewed my words all over here! So, I'm sorry about that ... I know many of my AMAZING ladies out there really look for support and guidance and it is important to me to keep that up because we all know that I care and truly want to support this community ... even if it is just SENDING OUT A BIG HUG to you all!!! So, here is my HUG!!!!

One thing that has been keeping me busy is that Craig and I (or Ed if you only read about us on here) have become the official Recovery Coaches for the website Feed The Right Wolf. It is a wonderful and VERY popular resource for people struggling with sex or porn addiction and their partners.  

If you don't already know the story of what Feed The Right Wolf means, it's pretty motivating. Basically, it is an old Native American tale of a father who was talking to his son and explains that 2 wolves live inside of us .... one good and one bad. The boy asks his dad "which wolf wins". And the dad replies "The One You Feed".  

Free Webinar For Porn Addiction

Hello everyone!  Really cool day today, my amazing hubby is co-hosting a FREE webinar talking about porn addiction, understanding it and how to start making healthy choices.



I am really excited for him to have a place to help other men and hopefully inspire them to embrace their lives and start truly living it!!!!  I think it's a great resource to pass on to some partners who maybe need a little extra motivation, understanding of their porn problems or just to listen to 2 guys who have been there turned their lives around and saved their marriages!

How Do We Cope With The Insanity Of Betrayal?

Hello my AMAZING ladies out there! I have not been writing very much lately and I have felt really bummed about that. I'm sorry that it seemed that I have kind of dropped off my blog ... I have been doing a lot of work helping women and couples through this mess and it has been sooo rewarding! I get busy though and I have sooo missed this awesome place where I can just spew my verbal diarrhea ... and hopefully INSPIRE someone along the way!

SO, here is a GREAT question that one of my fabulous women asked me and I wanted to share my answer with you .... I think it is something that many women wonder and struggle with. So, maybe this can help a bit ...

Here is what she asked:   
How did u ever get through this? I don't think I can ... Why me?

This is such a commonly asked question and I think that so many of us ask this question to ourselves over and over and over until our minds are spinning out of control. It is a simple yet oh, so complex question. There is just no easy answer on how to get through this, or how to feel better.  This part truly sucks!  But here is how I got through it ... ... it was VERY hard and VERY painful and VERY sucky!!!! I wont sugar coat that part at all, that is the reality.  

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Part 2

Wow, I haven't written anything in a LONG time!  It is amazing how the craziness of life, work and family creeps up on you and before you know it over 2 months have gone by without a single word from me!!!  I truly must stand up and give a HUGE applause & hug to all of the fabulous women out there who blog ALL THE TIME.  I just don't know how you do it!!!  I really am impressed and I just want to say that before I move forward with my verbal diarrhea!!!!

One issue that I have been seeing with many of the women that I work with in my coaching practice at Compulsion Solutions is around the idea of compartmentalizing. Both people see that concept VERY differently.  Many men see the compartmentalizing as that their minds were shut off and the acting out didn't mean anything to them ... it was just a physical thing, it wasn't really them - it was Mr. Hyde, not Dr. Jeckyl. But to us, to the partner, it sure meant something! It's a profound betrayal.  Ed & I actually did a podcast where we talk about that concept of the 2 sides .....   Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Sex Addiction.

I do understand how they "compartmentalize" their behaviors (that is how our addict hubby's are able to do what they do), and it is true to an extent, but it doesn't make us feel any better in the moment.  Those words don't comfort the wounds that are within us and in fact many men try to justify their behaviors that way ... and at times it can make us feel worse ... many women say it's like their whole life was a lie! To the guy, it was a different side to them .... but we don't think like that .... the addiction doesn't make sense to us so that doesn't make sense to us either. 

PART 2 of "To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction"

HELLO, I'm back!  I've been away a little longer than I intended to be but things have been really busy for us this past month!  I feel like I have so much to say in my head but I just can't find time to write it all down!

Life can be insane enough as it is ...  it's no wonder that women practically lose their minds with having to cope with their hubby's sex addiction.  I mean it's emotional and exhausting enough to just stay in the relationship (and fight off the overwhelming desire to chop their hubby's penis's off - LOL).

And then to top it off, like you don't work hard enough at just keeping your sanity ... you have people like me, telling you that in recovery you BOTH have to work on yourselves and your relationship!!!!  That just doesn't sound fair, huh?  Like you have the damn energy for that ... it's his problem right?  You didn't do anything to create this klusterfuck of chaos so he should do most of the work, right?

To answer my own silly questions .... no, it isn't fair!  We didn't ask for this and it is wrong that our suffering has to travel so deep into the core of our soul.  AND, unfortunately sitting back and waiting for him to do his recovery work doesn't help create the life, the intimacy and the relationship that WE want.  We have power too, we have a say and we know what we want.  And what we want is Happiness, Trust, Intimacy and AWESOME SEX!!!!!  

To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction - Part 1

This week I have read a lot of other bloggers write about the “BIG” issue of SEX in sex addiction recovery.  It is so confusing for all of us …. What do you do?  Should you even be having sex?  Should you talk about it?  Will having sex trigger our partner?  The questions in our heads go on and on … and then there is a huge emotional safety thing going on there. Everything is bubbling on the surface so it is a time that needs to be handled with compassion for everyone! I figured I always have a lot to say on many things so I am joining the discussion on the sex in recovery topic.  

I am writing this in 2 parts … Part 1 is my experience during our relationship and Part 2 will be what I have learned through all of this insanity!

Intimacy for Ed and I has ALWAYS been a huge issue.  When we first started dating our sex life was incredible!  I mean crazy, fun do it everywhere crazy!!!  After about a year, the awesome sex died.  Almost like a balloon that has a hole in it … it just begins to fizzle until all of the air is sucked out and then it just flops to the floor.   That is a perfect visual that explains how it went down!!!  It has been a major source of fighting for much of our life but we have always been best friends, which is what kept us together but the sexual connection had been non existent for much of our relationship.   

My Fantasy World . . . Maybe

Ok .... I'm not sure if any of you ever have wondered why I call my hubby Ed?  Or at the start of my blog I called him A, short for Annakin Skywalker.  There is usually a method to my madness in most things that I do .... and creating the "secret" name for my fabulous, annoying, wonderful, douche bag, narcissistic and amazing hubby was definitely intensely thought out!

You can hear Ed and I on our  internet radio show on Spreaker , our latest episode Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Sex Addiction ..... talks about how we came up with Ed's "secret"name and some other fun stuff.  Click here.  It's also really great to hear Ed's perspective too on recovery, what was going on in his mind and how he is finally creating the life he wants ..... a happy life, not a life full of shame and guilt.

But, here are some written thoughts for you on me and my brain ......  I obviously have a thing for the poor, tortured soul ... I have been thinking a lot about that lately and I still can't figure out where that comes from.  Apparently that explains my love and patience for Ed .... but I must ask myself why.  But in the end it really doesn't matter does it?  While I enjoy analyzing these puzzles I also know that I am here, I am now, and I am happy!

Ask Mishka About YOUR Spouse's Sex Addiction ...

Many women email me during the earlier stages of discovery / recovery of their spouse's sex addiction and just need some guidance from others who have SURVIVED the insanity of it all.  Today I want to answer some really common questions that I get from women, women who are lost, confused, scared and truly are just trying to keep it together one day at a time.  

I remember that time so clearly, just making it until dinner time was a chore for me.  The uncertainty of our future, keeping it together for the kids, putting a smile on my face when I was out in public and trying to make sense of the reality that was now my life was almost too much to bear!!  But I did bear it … we all survive … and it helps to reach out for support from the blogging world, there is so much support to be found here and I just want to say a big Thank You to all the awesome women who share their stories … we can all learn so much from each other!!!!!  

How Do You Feel About The Sex Addiction Label?

Good Morning Everyone!!!!  Some of you may know this but if you don't ... Ed and I have started a podcast on Spreaker , a little over a month ago.  It has been such a fun adventure for us.  We talk about our crazy, ridiculous journey through this world of sex addiction and recovery.  We are hoping for people to hear the real us .... the fun, silly, loving, bickering, fabulous, BRAVE, hurting, painful, hopeful and inspirational us!!!!!   

It is also a place where I am starting to become more comfortable with our REAL Names - but there is something that I love about Mishka & Ed  - our crazy, internet, FAKE names ..... I'm pretty attached to those - it's like a silly security blanket for me - LOL!!!!!

Our latest episode is on The Label of Sex Addiction - Is it REAL?  Is it a disease?  Or is it just an excuse for BAD behavior?  

Kung Fu Your Life With Sex Addiction

Hey everyone!  This is going to be a VERY short post but I am really excited that I wrote my first article for the Compulsion Solutions Blog where I am now a life coach to help support the fabulous WOMEN and COUPLES who are navigating through the crazy world of Sex & Porn Addiction.

Again, I have been inspired by another movie ... Kung Fu Panda 2.  I went to see it with the kids and I left the theatre feeling like I could go out into the world and Kick ASS!!!!  Seriously, if you really pay attention to the theme (or it really could be my strange outlook on life - but who cares, right?) it totally mirrors addiction and recovery and kicking ass!  It speaks to both the sex addict and the partner .... even if you think I am crazy, check out my article and let me know if you agree with me ... Ed and I loved it!!!!  

How Do We Embrace "The Climb" ?

In my experience, Life seems to throw at us the VERY THING that we need to work on the most.  As annoying as it sounds, it's true.  For me, it's  money.  I don't mean I want to be a billionaire, but financial security is and always has been important to me.  I need it for my own feelings of SAFETY, just enough to pay the bills, take care of my family and have a few extra fun things in life.  Of course, I would love to have tons of it (who wouldn't?) but to feel safe, I just need to know that I have enough to get by on.

Right now, I don't have the luxury of that safety.  Ed and I are reinventing ourselves, passionate about supporting others through the hell of sex addiction and helping them to come out the other side with an AMAZING life!   But money is tight, really tight (as we all know, Ed spent most of it in his downward spiral) ... and things keep getting thrown in my face to challenge my feelings of safety ... (you know, the car breaks down, or doctor bills, or a damn huge tax bill comes in the mail ... I could keep going but I wont ... LOL).  It is so easy to lose focus of that dream we have or that dream that I HAVE.  That money issue just stays there, lingering in the air ... taunting me every chance it gets and trying to convince me that I should take the safe path, the easy path.

Can 2 Steps Back Be A Gift ??

Do you ever feel like recovery with your spouse is going ok, you are in a place that you can handle and things are looking way better only to be surprised when all of a sudden the two of you have taken 2 steps back?!!  This really sucks and I KNOW that we all have been there.

This is so true about most of life, with your relationship, with your job, with exercising, with friendships ... whatever!  Steps back frustrate us, make us want to quit, make us feel like all is hopeless!  It's as if those steps back put us right where we started and what was the use of all that work that we just did anyway?  In fact, it is the point where most of us WANT to quit .... and sadly it is also the point where many people DO give up!

Freedom ... Ain't It Sweet!

Today is the 4th of July, a day to celebrate freedom for our country. For many people it means, parties, food, friends, fireworks, booze ... and anything else that goes along with a big ole' celebration!  Most years I don't even think about the meaning too much, it's just a totally FUN holiday where no one works and we watch really cool, sparkly and awesome fireworks!!!  (I just love the glittery ones ... they always make me smile).  

So, it's been a pretty tough but incredible year this year.  With that in mind the concept of this holiday today got me thinking.  My brain has been completely lost in thought , thinking about what freedom means for me right here, right now!  For me it is a bit different than the patriotic kind ... and I just want to take a quick moment to recognize the things that I want to celebrate today ... 
here, in this moment!!!! 

Today IS about FREEDOM .....