Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Triggers . . .
As Ed and I move forward together I find that I can get triggered by something (his actions, his words or even a place) that reminds me of those bad times. It's like I am brought right back into that moment of craziness, sadness and feelings of betrayal that I had during the "rough times". These triggers of "insanity" as I like to call them, can be so subtle that I don't even realize why I am feeling so emotional, angry or maybe even resentful. Or the triggers can be so blazingly obvious that I actually find it hard to breathe!
So, here is an example of something that triggers me all the time . . . ok - there is this path by my house. It is a great path, a relaxing path where my kids and I ride bikes and take walks. I LOVE that path! Well, so does Ed. When Ed's addiction was starting to crumble and he began to see that life couldn't continue his way, he walked on the path a lot. He agreed to stay home this particular weekend but that was sooo hard for him at that point. He was actually withdrawing from his "drug" . . . SEX.
This is the part that still to this day sends my mind into a damn tailspin. So, I woke up one morning and I couldn't find him. That feeling of panic arose in my chest! I freaked out thinking he went back out to do drugs, have sex with someone or I don't know drive himself off a bridge or something. My kids were sleeping and I searched around our apartment building and texted / called him about a billion times! Finally, he was so annoyed with me that he texted me back telling me to stop and that he is on the path breaking up with the girl that he had been having an intense affair with (she was actually a Tranny - yes, a transexual guy that wanted to be a woman, oh and a hooker as well . . . and that is another great story for another day!).
Ok - so I will never forget looking over and seeing him on the phone with her. I could see how much he suffered breaking it off, I saw the expression of pain that his body was going through as he talked to her and how it was almost too much for him to handle! I stood there frozen, sick to my stomach and just couldn't look away. It was like a fucking train wreck that I had to look at.
And afterward he couldn't even be near me . . . he had to take a ride on his scooter to who the hell knows where just to be by himself. I was there supporting him through this and he still couldn't be around me,
And right there my heart just about broke, for me and for him. Intellectually I understood that this was his addiction, it is like taking a beer away from an alcoholic (they might even get violent and fight you for it) but when it is another person that he was choosing to be with instead of me . . . another person that he loved in a way . . . it was just almost too much to handle. That memory stays with me . . .
Here is where the trigger comes in . . . when I see Ed on the path by himself now. We can go together and I love the time we spend there. BUT if I see him there by himself or if he tells me that he is taking a walk (especially if he is on the phone - our cell phones are too choppy in the apartment so the path is a good place to talk) I have an instant reaction of panic. And it is panic . . . it is so weird, I actually panic! He may smile, wave happily, run over to me and hug me . . . it doesn't matter what he is doing . . . Just seeing him there triggers my body to react. It's crazy!I really try to work on being aware of those emotions and using that awareness to open myself up and truly feel them. Fully feeling and accepting all of my intense feelings (and I mean all of them - the good, the bad and the ugly) and not trying to push the pain away allows me to deal with it and heal from it. It feel so much better when I accept my pain and stop swirling around in it. For me it really deflates the impact of it and that is so important as Ed and I try to heal together!