Monday, August 20, 2012

My Fantasy World . . . Maybe

Ok .... I'm not sure if any of you ever have wondered why I call my hubby Ed?  Or at the start of my blog I called him A, short for Annakin Skywalker.  There is usually a method to my madness in most things that I do .... and creating the "secret" name for my fabulous, annoying, wonderful, douche bag, narcissistic and amazing hubby was definitely intensely thought out!

You can hear Ed and I on our  internet radio show on Spreaker , our latest episode Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Sex Addiction ..... talks about how we came up with Ed's "secret"name and some other fun stuff.  Click here.  It's also really great to hear Ed's perspective too on recovery, what was going on in his mind and how he is finally creating the life he wants ..... a happy life, not a life full of shame and guilt.

But, here are some written thoughts for you on me and my brain ......  I obviously have a thing for the poor, tortured soul ... I have been thinking a lot about that lately and I still can't figure out where that comes from.  Apparently that explains my love and patience for Ed .... but I must ask myself why.  But in the end it really doesn't matter does it?  While I enjoy analyzing these puzzles I also know that I am here, I am now, and I am happy!

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a HUGE Twilight fan!  I'm sorry .... I can't help it, Edward, the love of my life (well, if he were real ... lol) ... is obviously the inspiration for "Ed's" name.  He is the perfect guy ... well not really, since he is dead and pretend .... but he loves Bella so much that he would do ANYTHING for her, fight to the death for her, love her, cherish her .... blah blah blah .... I think you get the point!!!!

Is it so wrong to want that fantasy, that love that is so intense that you would do anything for each other?  I know it is fantasy and it isn't reality, someone wrote these things from their minds so really is it even real?

I know Craig loves me, so much.  And if something were to happen to me he would do anything to help.  I know this ... I really do.  But when you are betrayed in the way I have been ... in the way that many of you have been ... you lose faith in that feeling.  I know he loves me, I really feel it too .... but that doubt of love still lingers as a result from that betrayal.

This is why I love the ya paranormal romance books ..... that first love, the intensity, the passion it is what many of us want ... and what many of us had at the beginning.  But for me the betrayal wounded that perception.  I occasionally find myself feeling that he wouldn't cry for me if he lost me, wouldn't fight for me if I found someone else .... I know it is ridiculous, and it is so far from the truth ... but that is the wounded reaction I have.  It's hard .... and when I watch movies, like Twilight apparently, I get emotional because I am so drawn to the connection that the characters have.  I then cry and say I want that ... but in reality I do have that ... but it doesn't always feel that way.  And the feeling that he could during his life slip back into his addiction doesn't help those feelings .  Those are my feelings and I have to make room for them, accept them and love the fact that I have the ability to love so very deeply.

These are my feelings that are reactions to my past experiences .... it is in my opinion like how the addict reacts to his past experiences too.  I think that is a place where we can use those feelings to truly empathize with each other and I think empathy for both partners is a HUGE piece to true recovery.

But then inspiration hits me again when the characters overcome some HUGE obstacle (like giving birth to a half vampire baby and not dying during the process) save everyone from a huge werewolf fight and empower themselves to be AMAZING!  It's like a sign for me and Ed to believe in ourselves and go after what it is that we want.  And we want to help others and support the sex addiction community!

Don't forget to check out our podcast. I love doing it with Ed so listen to us chat about where the inspiration for Ed came from, how it all relates to SEX ADDICTION and what we went through.  We also discuss recovery song of the week ... we all know how music can inspire us ... which totally rocks!  Definitely leave some feedback for me .... I want to know YOUR thoughts!!!


  1. I have the exact feeling. Beleiving in your heart that your husband loves you and the betrayal wounding that perception. You have chosen the perfect words. I am so glad to have you in my life right now because you are helping tremendously from where you are to where I am in New Brunswick, Canada

    1. Wow .... that means so much to me!!!! I can't even explain how wonderful it feels that you are able to connect so deeply to my words, my life and it helps you! Through this mess it is so important to find support where you can! We all need to be heard, understood, and given a little love .... even from a stranger!!!! Thank you again for saying hello .... I would LOVE to hear more from you!!!! Remember .... Life can be an AMAZING journey if we decide it will be!

      BIG HUGS to you!!!!!

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