Thursday, December 15, 2011


Today I really want to talk about something that I am experiencing right now.  I think it is VERY important that I talk about the physical pain that I have felt for the past 2 1/2 months as a result of dealing with all the drama.  (A has been in recovery for 4 months now - remember A is what I am calling my  hubby.). This pain definitely manifested itself from the "Trauma" I have experienced . .  and I really do believe I suffered a trauma.

Stress can be a VERY powerful thing and truly wreak havoc on your body.  When A was at the peak of his "acting out" and about to hit rock bottom, I was a mess.  I was trying so hard to keep it together for the kids that my legs (the lower half) actually were starting to go numb as a result of stuffing the stress inside.  I was so anxious that it was hard to function.

I remember seeing a therapist then and she felt so bad for me and was truly nervous about letting me leave her office.  She had said my symptoms were similar to a post traumatic stress.  I have never in my life had such anxiety problems and I immediately got some anxiety medicine from my doctor.  Those were a welcome relief!!!!

Anyway, THOSE symptoms are easy to understand, right?!  I was going through a stress and my body was reacting!  Ok - easy enough!  Once A finally started getting help, I had my zanax and I was focused on helping him come back to reality and being positive for the kids.  

What I find interesting is what happened to me once things started to get better.  6 weeks after he started therapy things were going really well   A was realizing what had happened, we were communicating (I mean really talking honestly), he was being a better husband and father than most other times in our marriage, we had taken a trip to Disneyland and things were on the upswing.  That is when my body started to react to MY STRESS.

Ok - at that point my body just gave out!  I mean complete pain . . . I developed bursitis in both arms, both legs and my knees.  Getting up out of bed was excruciating, getting dressed hurt like hell.  Everything hurt unless I just layed there and didn't move (yeah, sounds easy but it's not).  I felt like an 80 year old grandmother!!!  I also felt like I developed a case of chronic fatigue syndrome . . . I was just sooo tired.  And this pain and fatigue just wouldn't go away. 

The reason I know that this came from my trauma is this . . . once A was able to provide me with some true compassion (massage my arms, make me breakfast with the kids while I slept, etc.) and support me a little the pain started to get better.  This was 2 weeks ago . . .  It still hurts but it is manageable!  Hmmmm . . .. . . sounds a bit like the emotional stuff too, huh??

Ok - so this is where I am going with this story (I am really long winded I know . .. but that is just me!!!)   It is great that I am getting that compassion and love from A.  Yeah, it really is!  BUT . . . more importantly I need to TRULY GIVE THE SAME TO MYSELF.  I need to learn that I can provide that same healing for me . . . it's nice to get it from your partner but I don't NEED it. 

The struggle that I have had with my own compassion is letting myself not be perfect!  Right now, I am not the perfect mom, wife, friend . .  I am slightly disorganized, tired, my cooking for the fam is far from Rachel Ray and I could go on and on.  And you know what I realized this week . . . IT IS OK!!!!   I am still me and I am healing!

Why was A allowed to sleep in, be not productive, and take time to heal but I don't give that same respect to myself????  My therapist has really opened my eyes up about that and she has taught me not to run from the stress . . . feel the stress and love myself for it!  When I started to embrace the stress and deal with me for once .  . . . the pain and stress seem to get less and less!  I know the pain will take some time to completely go away, it has been built up for years and it will take time for my body to release it.   I am ok with that . . . it just feels good to give myself the same compassion that I seem to have for everyone else!!!!

How do you deal with this stress?  I would LOVE to hear your thoughts . . . 


  1. Great article. I definitely relate and have really been struggling with the desire to do nothing but lay around and watch How I Met Your Mother. My therapist is encouraging me to slow waaaaaay down and allow myself the liberation and joy inherent in doing nothing. easier said than done!!! thanks for the reminder ;)

    1. That is so great my dear! First of all I totally LOVE How I Met Your Mother ... and frankly I have missed a lot of it this season so the chance to catch up sounds heavenly if you ask me!!!!!!

      I do agree though that it is easier said than done but it is soooo important! We forget how stress can wreak such havoc on our bodies ... and going through this is a MAJOR stress. Allowing ourselves time to heal, emotionally and physically, in my opinion is crucial. You are tired, exhausted, emotionally drained .... and one way to baby yourself and compassionately love yourself is to allow yourself to just do nothing. Do what makes you happy ... or better yet, watch some mindless tv that lets you escape in a fun world and laugh. You can momentarily forget all the shit in your life, and the self growth that we must do, and the past, and the present, and the future and the blah, blah, blah ... it's all enough to make your head spin!!!

      So, relax my friend ... you've been through enough and you DESERVE IT! Escape in some TV (I do it with my crazy obsession with ya paranormal romance books - oh how I love to escape in those) ... enjoy the uncomplicated lives of the awesome characters in How I Met Your Mother (my fav is Barney - LOVE HIM!) .... and just chill! You not only deserve it, but you NEED IT! I did ... and I don't think I would be mentally as strong as I am today if I didn't allow myself that time!!!

      I hope you listen to your therapist ... she is soooo right!!!!!