Wednesday, February 15, 2012

How did I get here, in this crazy place??

This is the life I chose . . . or rather the life that chose me? . . .  a great line from rapper JAY Z.   Not my fav artist but Ed loves him . . . and he is married to Beyonce, who RULES . . . most of the time!   Gotta love "Survivor" . . . and "Independent Women" . . . listen to those songs and they will inspire us spouses to be STRONG and EMPOWERED!!! Here is Destiny's Child Survivor.  Check it out!
 Sometimes I sit here and wonder Jay Z's question though . . . I know that I chose this life.  I chose to be with Ed, I chose to stay with Ed, I chose to support Ed. I choose to have two amazing kids . . . but I can't help but consider the words from JayZ.  
Some of you may think that I am absolutely NUTS for staying in a relationship like this.  There have been certain times of our life that I wondered myself, where my own brain was at.  Here is one time in particular . . .  About 12 years ago when Ed had his first "bender" (a head first downward spiral). . . he had just confessed to me that he was a sex addict, he needed help, and he had unprotected sex with a stripper on a business trip.  

"Fantastic" I thought - just what a newlywed dreams of hearing . . . but, since he was asking for help, I loved him and it was important for me to support him.  Well, to make a really long story short he ended up with a very serious STD diagnosis, which was completely false  but for a month or two we were both very scared!  Thankfully nothing was/is wrong with his physical health, but his mental health . . . well that's why we're here aren't we?.

At the time I couldn't even process what the hell was happening, I was 24 and all I wanted was to have kids with my new hubby!  I was so young and naive at the time . . . I wasn't stupid but I was naive.  I definitely believed in that love can conquer all and "happily ever after" fairytale ending.  Plus, he NEEDED help.  He was in a bad place and it's not me to walk away . . . well, that's obvious.  

Apparently I was living in the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale. . . where Red was happily going along bringing her gram goodies and love and when she gets there the big, bad wolf was trying to bite her HEAD off!!!  I guess life was a bit like that . . . I never knew if I would find the sweet, loving, nurturing grandma or the BIG BAD WOLF!  :)
Anyway, it's easy to say this life chose me, that I had no control over my actions in staying in the relationship, fate or luck, whatever you want to call it.  That is an easy out though . . . too easy.  As I wrestle with these two concepts about life choosing me or me choosing it, I end up back where I started and of course realize it's both.   

In reality, our energy keeps us in the place where we need to be in that moment.  When that moment comes though and you NEED to make a change . . . be assured that you can!  You always have that power!  You always have a choice, . . . and in the immortal words of the rock band Rush, another hubby favorite quote, "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."  Either way, you-we, have power, . . . the power to choose.  

I still believe however that there is a part of my life that DID chose me . . .  could it be more than just my crazy undying love for Ed that has tied me to the place that I am today?  Or my love for my kids?   Maybe I was meant to go through this struggle, to learn and to grow, to help others and be a VOICE?  My energy is pulling me toward something, toward something rewarding and fulfilling outside of being a mom and wife...I am just still not sure what that is yet ... !!!

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