Sunday, February 5, 2012

This is Ed, Mishka's Hubby!

This is Ed.  Mishka's hubby.


Mishka is my soul mate, best friend, and the one who hurt her the most of anyone in her life . . . ever.  In turn, she saved my life, picked me up when I fell - hard . . . and she is the strongest person I know.  


Her blog has opened my eyes in so many ways - and brought us closer together.  The healthier I have become the more I am able to grok the betrayal and trauma I caused.  Empathy for Mishka has been pouring in and it's shocking (like the "I have to throw up" shocking) that I did such terrible things to someone I love with all my heart. 


Empathy for me means greater intimacy and love with Mishka.  As hard as it has been to let in her trauma, right now, it's harder to keep it out.  And this is good!  


I read recently an article that drove home hard this point.  The article talks about how the spouse of a sex addict suffers from trauma, acute trauma, not necessarily co-dependency.  The article notes how this trauma is often overlooked or minimized.  Trust me when I say it, my actions caused trauma.  Here is a a blurb:
    • sex addiction-induced trauma for significant others is particularly acute around: 
      • discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), 
      • disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and 
      • around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system.  

    The article says Mishka's symptoms were similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD).  Make no mistake about it, I raped her trust . . . I just don't know how else to describe it.  It caused her considerable pain, and not just the long term "I have to talk about my feelings pain."  But the here and now, sharp, I broke my leg pain. 

    I was adopted and molested and sometimes I see the world through this lens.  I remember falling to my knees when a thought just exploded in my head and I was able to relate her pain to mine.  It was frighting, like curl up in a ball frightening.  


    Inside my body, I thought to myself, "she must feel like the kid who was molested and remembers it years later, or the one who is told he was adopted after years of thinking otherwise.  Through my lens I saw and felt a part of Mishka's pain.  

    Yet still, I have only just begun to "grok" the pain I caused.  She is a survivor, beyond amazing wife, best friend, incredible mother, powerful "hear me roar" kinda chick (her words).  


    I fucked up bad.  Really bad.  And I'm going to make this right.   

    5 comments:

    1. Ed, I am so touched by the truth, honesty, and vulnerability that you show here. You are so correct that the codependency/co-addiction model does not help so many of the people that I see in my practice working with the the partners of those impacted by sexual compulsivity.

      The article you mention here calls for compassionate responsible action. You are taking the first step toward that by fully recognizing and acknowledging your wive's pain. What a beautiful example you and Mishka are to the many others who are walking this particularly painful and challenging path.

      ReplyDelete
    2. Ed, I am so touched by the truth, honesty, and vulnerability that you show here. You are so correct that the codependency/co-addiction model does not help so many of the people that I see in my practice working with the the partners of those impacted by sexual compulsivity.

      The article you mention here calls for compassionate responsible action. You are taking the first step toward that by fully recognizing and acknowledging your wive's pain. What a beautiful example you and Mishka are to the many others who are walking this particularly painful and challenging path.

      ReplyDelete
    3. Hi Ed,

      I came across Mishka's blog while searching for information on how to help my wife heal from the incredible pain and trauma my actions caused her.

      It took me a long time to realise that just because I am sober and in recovery my wife will heal also. Action, honesty, empathy, compassion, consistency are only part of the things I need to do and develop in me to help my wife grow out of the incrdible pain I have caused her.

      The article you have provided a link to is great. I agree that the partner of the sex addict suffers extreme trauma and not necessarily from co-dependency.

      I have a long way to go and learn how to be a good person and a great husband. I want to work harder on helping my wife heal. Thank you for writing this post, a big thank you to Mishka for sharing her pain, experience, strength and hope in this blog.

      Very best wishes on your recovery and discovery journey ahead.

      ReplyDelete
    4. AGREATMAN,

      I love your name because it's something that I have to remind myself of every day. I've done some terrible things, but I'm not terrible. I have an amazing capacity to love, to coach, to help, and to help. It feels so good to be in a great place.

      I was touched by your honesty and so glad you commented on my post. It is very hard to grasp the pain that we caused. I caused so much hurt and now I want to help heal and do everything I can to restore safety and trust in our relationship.

      We've all the the cliche, "it's a journey" and ait's the truth here. Actions speak louder than words, in fact my words feel pretty empty when you consider what I've done, but actions, that's what's keeping our great family together and my awesome wife smiling.

      Make no mistake, she is suffering, and we have soooooooooooo far to go interms of our intimacy (if fact we are going to take the veil off this 800lb elephant in the room and just start writing about it soon), so far, but we are happy and I'm sane.

      A good place to be. I hope to hear more of your journey.

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. And I'm Ed by the way. I just realized I left that part out. OOps.

        Delete