And thrived! Sex addiction and porn addiction almost tore my family apart. My best friend and husband fell down hard and I picked him up! I saved my marriage, my family, and you can too. This blog was my journey to build intimacy and love and how I now help others do the same.
LET IT BE .... Recovering From The Effects Of Ed's Sex Addiction
It is so tempting to stand on the rooftop and scream "My husband is a Sex Addict everyone! He cheated, he lied, he ignored ... but please don't judge us, we are doing the best we can!"
The reality is we don't and certainly can't do that. Society for the most part judges our spouses for being douche bags and judges us for staying with such assholes. We are forced to put on happy faces and pretend like everything is normal ....
It is so hard pretending that your life is "normal", that your life isn't about to implode any second, especially in public. That is a really challenging part of navigating on this path of recovery. If you are getting divorced than maybe it is something you can tell, but not this .... definitely not this!
I remember just moving to CA and all Ed's crazy shit was going down. I was meeting new friends and I would talk about my husband but no one ever met him, since he was never around ... and I was starting to lose it. I never felt mentally out of control but in those crazy months I did ... and it was oh, so scary!
I am normally a really positive person but it was like I had diarrhea of the mouth and if I didn't get it out I would actually explode ... I started telling some things to these new friends of mine. Great way to make new friends, huh? ... "it is so great to meet you and guess what, my life is spiraling out of control, my husband is screwing other people, thinks he might be gay and has pretty much abandoned the family". Awesome first impression of my family, huh?
In those moments though I just couldn't do it alone and I couldn't pretend that things were "normal". Thank goodness these people were really cool and are still supportive of Ed to this day ... they were really wonderful to me and really supported us at the beginning of our therapy. I wouldn't have been able to handle the kids, the start of school and driving Ed to therapy every day. I sure as hell wasn't letting him drive himself almost 2 hours away - through the city where it ALL happened .... um, hell no! Plus, physically he was in no condition to be driving himself anyway .....
It is so hard to function, let alone be normal. I remember at the school though or at soccer I didn't and wouldn't tell those friends .... and it was hard and really lonely. I have always been very ORGANIZED and in control, super in control - it was totally my thing ... not so much anymore.
Let it Be ....
So, instead of trying to regain that sense of control which I just don't have right now .... I started to embrace the fact that I was a disaster and I began to own the ME that was struggling. It felt soooo good to not fight it, not get annoyed with myself for feeling like shit, and resist the overwhelmed feelings of life that can at times consume me.
Instead, I accept this part of me and this part of my life:
When I am overwhelmed I completely feel it and allow myself to not get anything done in the house.
I allow myself to forget my kids homework and be late to soccer practice.
It's ok when I forget to call someone back or not remember that I was supposed to bring a side dish to the party.
I laugh at the me that has to listen to my friend say how wonderful Ed is, how much he loves me and to not be mad that he got tattoos on his arms..... that is another story for another post - no worries, the tattoos are actually a nice message but I just hate them ... LOL. They remind me of the shit that has happened.
It's a Great thing when I sleep in a little too late or don't have the mental stamina to do anything else but vegetate in front of the TV. I have been through an emotional trauma and it takes time to recover. I am tired and the only way to heal from that is to actually rest!
I love the part of me that takes the few minutes in the morning to make Ed and me lattes and sit there and drink them while we don't get anything else done ... and the shit in the house gets messier and messier ... I just don't care anymore.
What's important is that I make peace with this chaos that life has dealt me and I am doing the best I can! Ed and I are doing the best that we can and the best that we can is pretty damn great, I must say!
We are trying to use what some might call a horrific challenge to rebuild our life by helping others. We have been interviewed on several radio shows, we are starting to write a book, we are about to start our own internet radio show and I have also been helping women heal from the discovery of sex addiction in their own lives. Oh yeah ... and I was even on the Anderson Cooper Show! We are also starting our own company .... these are things I NEVER in a million years thought I would do!
All of these things bring me such great joy ... but also stress me out at the same time!
This is the me that I love right now! This is the awesome me that has been knocked down, dragged through the mud and has come out the other end stronger than before! This is the disorganized and crazy me that my kids can be proud of .... and most importantly, the me that I AM PROUD OF!