Tuesday, June 12, 2012

LET IT BE .... Recovering From The Effects Of Ed's Sex Addiction

It is so tempting to stand on the rooftop and scream "My husband is a Sex Addict everyone!  He cheated, he lied, he ignored ... but please don't judge us, we are doing the best we can!" 

The reality is we don't and certainly can't do that.  Society for the most part judges our spouses for being douche bags and judges us for staying with such assholes.  We are forced to put on happy faces and pretend like everything is normal .... 

It is so hard pretending that your life is "normal", that your life isn't about to implode any second, especially in public.  That is a really challenging part of navigating on this path of recovery.  If you are getting divorced than maybe it is something you can tell, but not this .... definitely not this! 

I remember just moving to CA and all Ed's crazy shit was going down.  I was meeting new friends and I would talk about my husband but no one ever met him, since he was never around ... and I was starting to lose it.  I never felt mentally out of control but in those crazy months I did ... and it was oh, so scary!  

I am normally a really positive person but it was like I had diarrhea of the mouth and if I didn't get it out I would actually explode ... I started telling some things to these new friends of mine.  Great way to make new friends, huh? ... "it is so great to meet you and guess what, my life is spiraling out of control, my husband is screwing other people, thinks he might be gay and has pretty much abandoned the family".  Awesome first impression of my family, huh?

In those moments though I just couldn't do it alone and I couldn't pretend that things were "normal".  Thank goodness these people were really cool and are still supportive of Ed to this day ... they were really wonderful to me and really supported us at the beginning of our therapy.  I wouldn't have been able to handle the kids, the start of school and driving Ed to therapy every day.  I sure as hell wasn't letting him drive himself almost 2 hours away - through the city where it ALL happened .... um, hell no!  Plus, physically he was in no condition to be driving himself anyway .....

It is so hard to function, let alone be normal.  I remember at the school though or at soccer I didn't and wouldn't tell those friends .... and it was hard and really lonely.  I have always been very ORGANIZED and in control, super in control - it was totally my thing ... not so much anymore.

Let it Be ....

So, instead of trying to regain that sense of control which I just don't have right now .... I started to embrace the fact that I was a disaster and I began to own the ME that was struggling.  It felt soooo good to not fight it, not get annoyed with myself for feeling like shit, and resist the overwhelmed feelings of life that can at times consume me.

Instead, I accept this part of me and this part of my life:  
  • When I am overwhelmed I completely feel it and allow myself to not get anything done in the house.  
  • I allow myself to forget my kids homework and be late to soccer practice.  
  • It's ok when I forget to call someone back or not remember that I was supposed to bring a side dish to the party. 
  • I laugh at the me that has to listen to my friend say how wonderful Ed is, how much he loves me and to not be mad that he got tattoos on his arms..... that is another story for another post - no worries, the tattoos are actually a nice message but I just hate them ... LOL.  They remind me of the shit that has happened. 
  • It's a Great thing when I sleep in a little too late or don't have the mental stamina to do anything else but vegetate in front of the TV.  I have been through an emotional trauma and it takes time to recover.  I am tired and the only way to heal from that is to actually rest!
  • I love the part of me that takes the few minutes in the morning to make Ed and me lattes and sit there and drink them while we don't get anything else done ... and the shit in the house gets messier and messier ... I just don't care anymore. 
What's important is that I make peace with this chaos that life has dealt me and I am doing the best I can!  Ed and I are doing the best that we can and the best that we can is pretty damn great, I must say! 

We are trying to use what some might call a horrific challenge to rebuild our life by helping others.  We have been interviewed on several radio shows, we are starting to write a book, we are about to start our own internet radio show and I have also been helping women heal from the discovery of sex addiction in their own lives.  Oh yeah ... and I was even on the Anderson Cooper Show!  We are also starting our own company .... these are things I NEVER in a million years thought I would do!

All of these things bring me such great joy ... but also stress me out at the same time!

This is the me that I love right now!  This is the awesome me that has been knocked down, dragged through the mud and has come out the other end stronger than before!  This is the disorganized and crazy me that my kids can be proud of .... and most importantly, the me that I AM PROUD OF!


  1. I am so proud of you! It is so important to know your limits, count on your friends (new and old!) and take care of yourself.

    At first, I was really reluctant to tell anyone. I got to a point where I really didn't care who knew. I am a little careful at work, but overall, whoever knows knows.

    My husband's therapist and group members have cautioned him to be careful about disclosure, which I understand. On the other hand, I am clear with him that I get to tell my story as I see fit. I think he has had issues with that at some times. However, I need to be in charge of my own needs, so I make those decisions myself.

    1. You are so right my dear! I completely agree ... and thanks for your support! It's awesome!!!! I love that ... whoever knows knows ... it's so true!!!!

      I have always been open with my close friends, the ones I have had since college ... they know almost everything ... and frankly, I probably would had lost my mind without them. But, in moving out here to CA I found myself so physically alone and I just couldn't hide it inside. I'm glad I opened up ... it has allowed me to make incredible friends out here and it is funny how once you start admitting your shit ... other people begin confessiong theirs too.

      Ed really supported me telling a few people out here. He knew that I needed help and he has been so grateful for those who were able to give it to me when he couldn't. Opening up for him is a sort of relief ....

      Great for you for being in charge of what you need! That is one of the most important things that I have learned ... it isn't all about them! It's equally about us. Ed and I actually believe that a person, or a couple, who has embraced recovery and has put so much into being a better person and being the best man he could be for his family is someone to LOOK UP TO. People fuck up all the time ... it's how you make it right that is important. I am proud of Ed, I am proud of me and I hope that one day soon I wont need to be anonymous! I can help support other partners without the protection of Mishka .... LOL.

      Thanks for your awesome words and stay Fabulous!!!!

  2. Thank you so much for the wonderful message you continue to post! The message that women need to put themselves first and that it is ok for us not to be SUPERWOMAN is so important for us women to continue to pass on. Keep up the good work!!

    1. Thank you so much for your awesome words! It took me a while to embrace it and really get it ... but once I did it felt so good! It is quite empowering and really so crucial to anyone's life, really! We MUST take care of ourselves and have reasonable expectations on what we can do!!! Accepting and loving ourselves right here in this moment couldn't be more important.

      This journey has truly taught me so much and it's great to hear awesome feedback! Thank you sooo much! I hope you keep reading!

  3. Hi there!

    It's been a while since I've posted on your blog. I have to admit that I felt semi creepy reading it so many times, but I was so alone and reading your posts---made me feel as if someone understood. Your words...(and ED's too)have helped me allow myself to really feel my feelings and treat myself kindly, with patience.
    The last couple of months have SUCKED. I'm too much of everything good to be in denial, but things are really turning around. Yeah, I don't have a magic ball and don't know where I will be in the future, but my relationship has developed into something more real than I could ever expect. I'm still working on figuring out if this is a good or bad thing. Our level of reality, communication and awareness of our own vulnerabilities is at a deeper level. Sometimes, I can't fathom how we will make it in a relationship because I know something about this person that he never wanted anyone to find out, but time will tell. Either way...I have become a different kind of human being through this. A much better person for the world, for myself, my friends and yes,(hold your breath),my bf. I really think this situation could have swept me out to sea if I never came across your blog... many, many thanks and love from a stranger.

    1. HI SWEETIE!!!! OMG ... You are sooo NOT creepy and actually pretty fabulous for reading my blog over and over!!!! THAT IS WHY I WRITE IT!!!!! It made me so happy and I truly cried when I read your comment ... to know that I have helped you through this time means the WORLD TO ME! I want to help, I want to ease other women's pain and I want us partners to realize how fantastic WE ALL ARE! We lose sight of that when we are swimming in the sea of insanity!!!!

      Thank you so much for sharing that with me! I feel great tonight!!!

      That is wonderful that things are going so much better!!! ANd to hear you talk about your personal growth is amazing ... if through all this shit we can come out the other end more empowered women than kudos to YOU! It's amazing when you open yourself up and accept & learn from this experience, what can happen. You know, you can grow the most beautiful flowers in a pile of manure!!! LOL!!!

      Keep in touch my friend ... I love hearing from you and your progress!!!!! I'm sending a HUGE hug your way!!!

  4. wow! this is so inspiring. I cried, it was emotional to read. Maybe someday we can really make it happen too. I don't know if congratulations is the right word...maybe more like I'm just real proud of you. Being a voice for this terrible scourge is so important. thanks

    1. Thank you soooo VERY much my friend!!! Your comment means ALOT to me! You are a wonderful voice too ... I really love your blog! It's been awesome meeting some amazing and strong women through all of this insanity. Thank you for all of your support .... let's keep sharing and reaching out to support other fabulous women!!!!