Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Part 2

Wow, I haven't written anything in a LONG time!  It is amazing how the craziness of life, work and family creeps up on you and before you know it over 2 months have gone by without a single word from me!!!  I truly must stand up and give a HUGE applause & hug to all of the fabulous women out there who blog ALL THE TIME.  I just don't know how you do it!!!  I really am impressed and I just want to say that before I move forward with my verbal diarrhea!!!!

One issue that I have been seeing with many of the women that I work with in my coaching practice at Compulsion Solutions is around the idea of compartmentalizing. Both people see that concept VERY differently.  Many men see the compartmentalizing as that their minds were shut off and the acting out didn't mean anything to them ... it was just a physical thing, it wasn't really them - it was Mr. Hyde, not Dr. Jeckyl. But to us, to the partner, it sure meant something! It's a profound betrayal.  Ed & I actually did a podcast where we talk about that concept of the 2 sides .....   Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Sex Addiction.

I do understand how they "compartmentalize" their behaviors (that is how our addict hubby's are able to do what they do), and it is true to an extent, but it doesn't make us feel any better in the moment.  Those words don't comfort the wounds that are within us and in fact many men try to justify their behaviors that way ... and at times it can make us feel worse ... many women say it's like their whole life was a lie! To the guy, it was a different side to them .... but we don't think like that .... the addiction doesn't make sense to us so that doesn't make sense to us either. 

PART 2 of "To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction"

HELLO, I'm back!  I've been away a little longer than I intended to be but things have been really busy for us this past month!  I feel like I have so much to say in my head but I just can't find time to write it all down!

Life can be insane enough as it is ...  it's no wonder that women practically lose their minds with having to cope with their hubby's sex addiction.  I mean it's emotional and exhausting enough to just stay in the relationship (and fight off the overwhelming desire to chop their hubby's penis's off - LOL).

And then to top it off, like you don't work hard enough at just keeping your sanity ... you have people like me, telling you that in recovery you BOTH have to work on yourselves and your relationship!!!!  That just doesn't sound fair, huh?  Like you have the damn energy for that ... it's his problem right?  You didn't do anything to create this klusterfuck of chaos so he should do most of the work, right?

To answer my own silly questions .... no, it isn't fair!  We didn't ask for this and it is wrong that our suffering has to travel so deep into the core of our soul.  AND, unfortunately sitting back and waiting for him to do his recovery work doesn't help create the life, the intimacy and the relationship that WE want.  We have power too, we have a say and we know what we want.  And what we want is Happiness, Trust, Intimacy and AWESOME SEX!!!!!  

To Sex Or Not To Sex With Sex Addiction - Part 1

This week I have read a lot of other bloggers write about the “BIG” issue of SEX in sex addiction recovery.  It is so confusing for all of us …. What do you do?  Should you even be having sex?  Should you talk about it?  Will having sex trigger our partner?  The questions in our heads go on and on … and then there is a huge emotional safety thing going on there. Everything is bubbling on the surface so it is a time that needs to be handled with compassion for everyone! I figured I always have a lot to say on many things so I am joining the discussion on the sex in recovery topic.  

I am writing this in 2 parts … Part 1 is my experience during our relationship and Part 2 will be what I have learned through all of this insanity!

Intimacy for Ed and I has ALWAYS been a huge issue.  When we first started dating our sex life was incredible!  I mean crazy, fun do it everywhere crazy!!!  After about a year, the awesome sex died.  Almost like a balloon that has a hole in it … it just begins to fizzle until all of the air is sucked out and then it just flops to the floor.   That is a perfect visual that explains how it went down!!!  It has been a major source of fighting for much of our life but we have always been best friends, which is what kept us together but the sexual connection had been non existent for much of our relationship.   

My Fantasy World . . . Maybe

Ok .... I'm not sure if any of you ever have wondered why I call my hubby Ed?  Or at the start of my blog I called him A, short for Annakin Skywalker.  There is usually a method to my madness in most things that I do .... and creating the "secret" name for my fabulous, annoying, wonderful, douche bag, narcissistic and amazing hubby was definitely intensely thought out!

You can hear Ed and I on our  internet radio show on Spreaker , our latest episode Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Sex Addiction ..... talks about how we came up with Ed's "secret"name and some other fun stuff.  Click here.  It's also really great to hear Ed's perspective too on recovery, what was going on in his mind and how he is finally creating the life he wants ..... a happy life, not a life full of shame and guilt.

But, here are some written thoughts for you on me and my brain ......  I obviously have a thing for the poor, tortured soul ... I have been thinking a lot about that lately and I still can't figure out where that comes from.  Apparently that explains my love and patience for Ed .... but I must ask myself why.  But in the end it really doesn't matter does it?  While I enjoy analyzing these puzzles I also know that I am here, I am now, and I am happy!

Ask Mishka About YOUR Spouse's Sex Addiction ...

Many women email me during the earlier stages of discovery / recovery of their spouse's sex addiction and just need some guidance from others who have SURVIVED the insanity of it all.  Today I want to answer some really common questions that I get from women, women who are lost, confused, scared and truly are just trying to keep it together one day at a time.  

I remember that time so clearly, just making it until dinner time was a chore for me.  The uncertainty of our future, keeping it together for the kids, putting a smile on my face when I was out in public and trying to make sense of the reality that was now my life was almost too much to bear!!  But I did bear it … we all survive … and it helps to reach out for support from the blogging world, there is so much support to be found here and I just want to say a big Thank You to all the awesome women who share their stories … we can all learn so much from each other!!!!!  

How Do You Feel About The Sex Addiction Label?

Good Morning Everyone!!!!  Some of you may know this but if you don't ... Ed and I have started a podcast on Spreaker , a little over a month ago.  It has been such a fun adventure for us.  We talk about our crazy, ridiculous journey through this world of sex addiction and recovery.  We are hoping for people to hear the real us .... the fun, silly, loving, bickering, fabulous, BRAVE, hurting, painful, hopeful and inspirational us!!!!!   

It is also a place where I am starting to become more comfortable with our REAL Names - but there is something that I love about Mishka & Ed  - our crazy, internet, FAKE names ..... I'm pretty attached to those - it's like a silly security blanket for me - LOL!!!!!

Our latest episode is on The Label of Sex Addiction - Is it REAL?  Is it a disease?  Or is it just an excuse for BAD behavior?  

Kung Fu Your Life With Sex Addiction

Hey everyone!  This is going to be a VERY short post but I am really excited that I wrote my first article for the Compulsion Solutions Blog where I am now a life coach to help support the fabulous WOMEN and COUPLES who are navigating through the crazy world of Sex & Porn Addiction.

Again, I have been inspired by another movie ... Kung Fu Panda 2.  I went to see it with the kids and I left the theatre feeling like I could go out into the world and Kick ASS!!!!  Seriously, if you really pay attention to the theme (or it really could be my strange outlook on life - but who cares, right?) it totally mirrors addiction and recovery and kicking ass!  It speaks to both the sex addict and the partner .... even if you think I am crazy, check out my article and let me know if you agree with me ... Ed and I loved it!!!!  

How Do We Embrace "The Climb" ?

In my experience, Life seems to throw at us the VERY THING that we need to work on the most.  As annoying as it sounds, it's true.  For me, it's  money.  I don't mean I want to be a billionaire, but financial security is and always has been important to me.  I need it for my own feelings of SAFETY, just enough to pay the bills, take care of my family and have a few extra fun things in life.  Of course, I would love to have tons of it (who wouldn't?) but to feel safe, I just need to know that I have enough to get by on.

Right now, I don't have the luxury of that safety.  Ed and I are reinventing ourselves, passionate about supporting others through the hell of sex addiction and helping them to come out the other side with an AMAZING life!   But money is tight, really tight (as we all know, Ed spent most of it in his downward spiral) ... and things keep getting thrown in my face to challenge my feelings of safety ... (you know, the car breaks down, or doctor bills, or a damn huge tax bill comes in the mail ... I could keep going but I wont ... LOL).  It is so easy to lose focus of that dream we have or that dream that I HAVE.  That money issue just stays there, lingering in the air ... taunting me every chance it gets and trying to convince me that I should take the safe path, the easy path.

Can 2 Steps Back Be A Gift ??

Do you ever feel like recovery with your spouse is going ok, you are in a place that you can handle and things are looking way better only to be surprised when all of a sudden the two of you have taken 2 steps back?!!  This really sucks and I KNOW that we all have been there.

This is so true about most of life, with your relationship, with your job, with exercising, with friendships ... whatever!  Steps back frustrate us, make us want to quit, make us feel like all is hopeless!  It's as if those steps back put us right where we started and what was the use of all that work that we just did anyway?  In fact, it is the point where most of us WANT to quit .... and sadly it is also the point where many people DO give up!

Freedom ... Ain't It Sweet!

Today is the 4th of July, a day to celebrate freedom for our country. For many people it means, parties, food, friends, fireworks, booze ... and anything else that goes along with a big ole' celebration!  Most years I don't even think about the meaning too much, it's just a totally FUN holiday where no one works and we watch really cool, sparkly and awesome fireworks!!!  (I just love the glittery ones ... they always make me smile).  

So, it's been a pretty tough but incredible year this year.  With that in mind the concept of this holiday today got me thinking.  My brain has been completely lost in thought , thinking about what freedom means for me right here, right now!  For me it is a bit different than the patriotic kind ... and I just want to take a quick moment to recognize the things that I want to celebrate today ... 
here, in this moment!!!! 

Today IS about FREEDOM .....

LET IT BE .... Recovering From The Effects Of Ed's Sex Addiction

It is so tempting to stand on the rooftop and scream "My husband is a Sex Addict everyone!  He cheated, he lied, he ignored ... but please don't judge us, we are doing the best we can!" 

The reality is we don't and certainly can't do that.  Society for the most part judges our spouses for being douche bags and judges us for staying with such assholes.  We are forced to put on happy faces and pretend like everything is normal .... 


It is so hard pretending that your life is "normal", that your life isn't about to implode any second, especially in public.  That is a really challenging part of navigating on this path of recovery.  If you are getting divorced than maybe it is something you can tell, but not this .... definitely not this! 

My Shame with the movie "SHAME"

Ed & I finally watched the movie "SHAME" last week!  Wow, is all I have to say.  It is a movie about a man and his sex addiction.  I am not sure what I expected but I am still shaken by the emotions that I felt watching it.  I am not sure if I even liked the movie, if you don't understand the world of sex addiction I am not even sure if you would fully comprehend everything that went on ... but what had the biggest impact for me was the loneliness that Michael (the lead character) felt.  It was so intense and so real that it stayed with me for days ... the loneliness was just so heartbreaking.

My Sex Addict Husband ... If I knew then, What I know Now?

Here is a question that people ask me "If you knew then, what you know now .... would you stay with Ed?"  .... that is probably the hardest question for me to answer.  The answer is "I DON'T KNOW".  I know that isn't the answer that people want to hear .... but it is the truth!

First of all, I love Ed so very much!  I'm happy that we are together, I am happy that he is healthy and I am so happy with the incredible family we have.  AND I would love to say that I have no regrets at all .... but that would be a lie.  I don't like to dwell on the past, I am here now, I am happy today and I did the best I could at the time.  But, that question is often asked and I wonder if I had the knowledge and tools that I have today ... would I have made different choices?

Sex Addiction, Insanity & The Grandpa Room ....

You told me she was ready to be a mom ....

You wanted to live in a house together but date other people .....

You said you had sex with her and it was the most incredible experience of your life ....

You said you never really loved me .....

You also said to "Put it in the Grandpa Room" ......

What???!!!  First of all what is a Grandpa Room? .... And what am I even putting there?  OK - it was that last statement that brought me to the realization that he was actually INSANE!  All of the other things he said hurt ... and the hurt still runs deep ....  but once he told me to put it in the Grandpa Room, I realized what an insane place his mind was in.  He wasn't even on planet earth, actually he was somewhere in a galaxy far, far away (Star Wars anyone????). 

Sex addiction memories suck ... today RULES!

It's amazing when you reflect back on your life the feelings that it can create.  I often look back on my college years and I think of how much incredible fun we had ... or I think back to my childhood and I am brought back to my life as a hard core athlete (man, where did that athlete go???) ... I also reflect on our early days of marriage and the kids and again I think of all fantastic times.   It's interesting how I conveniently forget the struggles and craziness that has been part of our crazy life with sex addiction!

Being a positive person is my thing, my brain is just naturally wired that way.  I'm not sure why but I was born an optimist, I have always made people laugh and I can see the positive in ANY situation.  The glass is usually half full in my world .... which is a great way to live, an inspiring way to live actually.  Especially in the world that I live in,  this method of mindfulness has been so important for my day to day survival.

Living in the NOW ....but scared of the FUTURE!

I'm always talking about how we need to live in the present, move forward from the past and not to predict the future.  Appreciate what we have right now.  I believe that .... I truly and whole heartedly do.  Despite the crazy life that I have chosen, I try and stay positive, I embrace the happiness that we feel now and I try to feel the love that Ed and I are working hard to regain!  I love him so very much and I do know that he loves me!


BUT . . . the other night Ed and I were talking about how scared I sometimes feel about OUR future.  I can live in the present moment but I can't ignore the idea that Ed could at some point in the future make a horribly wrong choice and lose himself in his addictions again.  It would be incredibly naive to think that it could NEVER happen.  I hope it wont ... I really, really hope it wont .... BUT it could.

How did I get here, in this crazy place??

This is the life I chose . . . or rather the life that chose me? . . .  a great line from rapper JAY Z.   Not my fav artist but Ed loves him . . . and he is married to Beyonce, who RULES . . . most of the time!   Gotta love "Survivor" . . . and "Independent Women" . . . listen to those songs and they will inspire us spouses to be STRONG and EMPOWERED!!! Here is Destiny's Child Survivor.  Check it out!

 Sometimes I sit here and wonder Jay Z's question though . . . I know that I chose this life.  I chose to be with Ed, I chose to stay with Ed, I chose to support Ed. I choose to have two amazing kids . . . but I can't help but consider the words from JayZ.  
Some of you may think that I am absolutely NUTS for staying in a relationship like this.  There have been certain times of our life that I wondered myself, where my own brain was at.  Here is one time in particular . . .  About 12 years ago when Ed had his first "bender" (a head first downward spiral). . . he had just confessed to me that he was a sex addict, he needed help, and he had unprotected sex with a stripper on a business trip.  

This is Ed, Mishka's Hubby!

This is Ed.  Mishka's hubby.


Mishka is my soul mate, best friend, and the one who hurt her the most of anyone in her life . . . ever.  In turn, she saved my life, picked me up when I fell - hard . . . and she is the strongest person I know.  


Her blog has opened my eyes in so many ways - and brought us closer together.  The healthier I have become the more I am able to grok the betrayal and trauma I caused.  Empathy for Mishka has been pouring in and it's shocking (like the "I have to throw up" shocking) that I did such terrible things to someone I love with all my heart. 


Empathy for me means greater intimacy and love with Mishka.  As hard as it has been to let in her trauma, right now, it's harder to keep it out.  And this is good!  

I read recently an article that drove home hard this point.  The article talks about how the spouse of a sex addict suffers from trauma, acute trauma, not necessarily co-dependency.  The article notes how this trauma is often overlooked or minimized.  Trust me when I say it, my actions caused trauma.  Here is a a blurb:

• sex addiction-induced trauma for significant others is particularly acute around: 
• discoveries (finding out about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations), 
• disclosures (being told about sexual acting out, deception and relational violations) and 
• around the continued traumatic incidents that result from the presence of sexual addiction in an intimate relationship and family system.  

The HIGH of new love

I read an article today that really caught my attention.  It was named "Distinguishing Real Love from Love Addiction".  This was a great article, written by Sharon O'Hara, MFT.  I highly recommend reading it!  One sentence keeps ringing in my head.  It states that "People fall in love with the HIGH of new love".  That is so true, new relationships do give you a "HIGH".  And it is a wonderful high!

I mean, who doesn't love the start of a relationship?  When everything is so new and fun . . . you can't stop thinking about that person, just the mention of their name sends excitement throughout your body, their little 'quirks' are adorable . . . I could go on forever on how fantastic that is.  We have all been there and let's face it:  it's amazing!

But that "high" can be a problem for a love addict.  Love addicts are constantly chasing that high.  It acts like a drug in their brain, just like sex is the drug in the sex addict's brain.  This high is like a "magically altered state of reality" and once it wears off the person needs to find that again, even at the expense of their partner.

One Ring to Bind Them . . .

Do you ever hear a line from a movie that speaks right to you?  One that stops you in your tracks when you hear it?  A line of inspiration given in a moment when you need it most?  In that moment you actually believe that the universe might actually be speaking to you?

Yesterday, my hubby and I were watching one of the greatest movies of all time . . .  "Lord of The Rings".  The main character Frodo was feeling lost and confused, unsure as to why he had been giving the HUGE responsibility of destroying the ring (it's an evil ring, a darkness that consumes all that hold it    - hhmmm very interesting, sounds a bit like addiction, huh?) .  Anyway, he had to face challenge after challenge, testing his own strength and fortitude.  In a moment of weakness, a moment when he was feeling sorry for himself that life had dealt him this card, a moment where he felt he could not go on . . . this is what he said:

I wish this ring had never come to me, I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf, the great all knowing and wise wizard replies to him:

So do all who live to see such times but it is not for them to decide.  All you have to decide is what to do with the time that has been given to you.

UNICORNS

I was reading an article and came across this creature described in terms of relationships.  My curiosity was peaked, I mean I love any mythological or supernatural being so I was curious what this had to do with people and love.  Here is the definition I found:

Triggers . . .

As Ed and I move forward together I find that I can get triggered by something (his actions, his words or even a place) that reminds me of those bad times.  It's like I am brought right back into that moment of craziness, sadness and feelings of betrayal that I had during the "rough times".  These triggers of "insanity" as I like to call them, can be so subtle that I don't even realize why I am feeling so emotional, angry or maybe even resentful.  Or the triggers can be so blazingly obvious that I actually find it hard to breathe!

So, here is an example of something that triggers me all the time . . . ok - there is this path by my house.  It is a great path, a relaxing path where my kids and I ride bikes and take walks.  I LOVE that path!  Well, so does Ed.  When Ed's addiction was starting to crumble and he began to see that life couldn't continue his way, he walked on the path a lot.  He agreed to stay home this particular weekend but that was sooo hard for him at that point.  He was actually withdrawing from his "drug" . . . SEX. 

Just Chill . . . .

So, I am going to have to change my hubby's name for my blog because"A" just gets confusing during my writing.  So, I am changing him to Ed, short for Edward . . . my vampire soulmate!  I am a Twilight junkie (please don't judge me!) and as I told you before, I obviously have a thing for the poor and tortured soul.  So, my hubby will be Ed  . . . I love it!!!!!


I want to start really sharing some of the things that have happened during my marriage . . . the really painful and sometimes kind of funny stories of our crazy life.  Sometimes life was awful, sometimes life was fantastic and sometimes life just hummed along.  Although I wish that we didn't have to go through the really tough times, those experience are all part of me.  I have learned to open myself up and really feel the good and really feel the bad.  It feels so wonderful to not run from those bad feelings.  For me, if I open up and own those feelings they become so much easier to bear.    


As I sit here writing tonight and thinking about the bad times, I didn't realize how raw the pain still is . . . how it still suffocates me as I am writing this. . . . just thinking about how alone I felt during those times can bring me to my knees .  Wow, those feelings are so powerful .... but I know that I wouldn't be able to move on toward a wonderful life with Ed if I weren't able to feel them as deeply as I do.